Anxiety about relating to (recently) rich sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl… hopefully theyre not going to inherit that money until you guys are well into retirement. Also, it depends on her remaining married to her husband. Dh and I both come from well off families, but he will probably inherit significantly more- this feels like such a long way off and doesn’t have much impact on our day to life, apart the gifts our parents give us now- like help with down payment or telling us they will fund college for our kids, so we don’t need to contribute to 529s for them. Also tragically, something could happen to our marriage or dh or me in which case, we wouldn’t inherit anything from our spouse.

You need to get over such an eventual difference in lifestyle. And even if they inherited the money tomorrow, she’d still be your sister. My siblings are all more professionally successful than I am and comparison is the thief of joy.

Do you realize what a huge privilege it is to have your downpayment and children's colleges paid for???

You do not think having a close sibling for whom these are not issues would be triggering?

[Anonymous]

A blessing is being in your 1st marriage at 45-50.

A blessing is health. mental and physical.

Just focus on staying healthy and growing yourself. You don't know your sisters future. Make yours the best it can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our family was pretty LMC when we were growing up and one of the common theme in our life that bonded us was struggling to make a good life for ourselves. I do pretty ok for myself with a 110k salary and with a DH who makes 200k-150k. My sister however married a trust fund kid who is set to inherit about 20 mil or after his parents pass. They do pretty well for a couple in their early thirties (300k-350k hhi) but the thought that she will be a multimillionaire in our lifetime is…staggering to me. Like I can’t process it because it changes how I view her?

I find myself feeling insecure and embarrassed around her and my BIL. It’s like no matter how many raises I get… I’ll never catch up to her blessings. And suddenly all of the things that keep me up at night ( saving for retirement, college for kids, downpayment for a house) are just…none issues for her. And she’s changed too, more relaxed and content. She has that relaxed easy going rich girl vibe now. It’s insane how money changes you.

Yeah…it’s a lot of mixed feelings..

You control your own destiny. If you want to get rich quick and catch up to her, nothing stops you from divorcing your husband, and marrying a trust fund kid.
Maybe you'll even do better and man who is rich outright. There is gold out there, you just need to dig it.

This is the stupidest thing on this thread. As if trust fund kids are out there waiting to be married for their money. Ridiculous. It’s like saying anybody could be a pro basketball player if they wanted to. OP, I know trust fund babies, but I don’t let it define our relationships. I never ask or even hint for money. I don’t shy away about discussing why we did X, if a financial limitation was the reason, but otherwise I try not to let it come up. Relationships with good people are a blessing in and of themselves. Acknowledge that jealousy for sure, but also acknowledge that you have lot of great things going on in your life, including your good relationship with your sister. You can sit in that feeling for a period, but don’t get stuck in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl… hopefully theyre not going to inherit that money until you guys are well into retirement. Also, it depends on her remaining married to her husband. Dh and I both come from well off families, but he will probably inherit significantly more- this feels like such a long way off and doesn’t have much impact on our day to life, apart the gifts our parents give us now- like help with down payment or telling us they will fund college for our kids, so we don’t need to contribute to 529s for them. Also tragically, something could happen to our marriage or dh or me in which case, we wouldn’t inherit anything from our spouse.

You need to get over such an eventual difference in lifestyle. And even if they inherited the money tomorrow, she’d still be your sister. My siblings are all more professionally successful than I am and comparison is the thief of joy.

Do you realize what a huge privilege it is to have your downpayment and children's colleges paid for???

You do not think having a close sibling for whom these are not issues would be triggering?

I have cousins who have this level of wealth. I’m happy for them. I have friends in this exact situation . I’m happy for them, too. Maybe it’s different for me, since it’s not new information. OP is probably having trouble adjusting because it’s a change to a metric that’s at the core of family identity—the need to work hard and struggle. The sister jumped ahead in this very salient dimension, and OP needs to give herself time to adjust.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand people like you. We grew up poor. 3 kids. My sister and I didn’t go to college, but my brother did. He recently sold his company for 45M and had invested his money well. He lives a spectacular life. I’m happy for him. I’m happy for his wife, I’m happy for his kids.

You really need to grow up. You sound like a whiner.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a case of mixed feelings. You’re jealous. That’s one feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Become what Gayle is to Oprah Winfrey. Enjoy the perks of having richer friends or family. You should pay for the ice cream though.

But Gayle is like rich too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family was pretty LMC when we were growing up and one of the common theme in our life that bonded us was struggling to make a good life for ourselves. I do pretty ok for myself with a 110k salary and with a DH who makes 200k-150k. My sister however married a trust fund kid who is set to inherit about 20 mil or after his parents pass. They do pretty well for a couple in their early thirties (300k-350k hhi) but the thought that she will be a multimillionaire in our lifetime is…staggering to me. Like I can’t process it because it changes how I view her?

I find myself feeling insecure and embarrassed around her and my BIL. It’s like no matter how many raises I get… I’ll never catch up to her blessings. And suddenly all of the things that keep me up at night ( saving for retirement, college for kids, downpayment for a house) are just…none issues for her. And she’s changed too, more relaxed and content. She has that relaxed easy going rich girl vibe now. It’s insane how money changes you.

Yeah…it’s a lot of mixed feelings..

So this is a long winded way of saying you are jealous? You just need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

You have changed, not her. . She does not even have the money yet.

Focus on your life, which sounds perfectly fine. Don’t compare yourself (to anyone). Seek therapy if need be.

(I really do not understand how this creates any problem for you. That is entirely in your head.)

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the killer of joy. Be happy with your life. I speak from experience that their life will not be drastically different than yours, they will travel differently, first class tickets, four seasons and Waldorf, but you have access to same locations, you’ll just do it differently, their house and furnishings will be more expensive, but you have a fine home. This is Especially true if they look to preserve their wealth as opposed to depleting it. Enjoy the life you are building for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Become what Gayle is to Oprah Winfrey. Enjoy the perks of having richer friends or family. You should pay for the ice cream though.

But Gayle is like rich too.

LOL! Exactly. Gayle also did not grow up poor like Oprah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a case of mixed feelings. You’re jealous. That’s one feeling.

LOL this is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl… hopefully theyre not going to inherit that money until you guys are well into retirement. Also, it depends on her remaining married to her husband. Dh and I both come from well off families, but he will probably inherit significantly more- this feels like such a long way off and doesn’t have much impact on our day to life, apart the gifts our parents give us now- like help with down payment or telling us they will fund college for our kids, so we don’t need to contribute to 529s for them. Also tragically, something could happen to our marriage or dh or me in which case, we wouldn’t inherit anything from our spouse.

You need to get over such an eventual difference in lifestyle. And even if they inherited the money tomorrow, she’d still be your sister. My siblings are all more professionally successful than I am and comparison is the thief of joy.

Do you realize what a huge privilege it is to have your downpayment and children's colleges paid for???

You do not think having a close sibling for whom these are not issues would be triggering?

I have cousins who have this level of wealth. I’m happy for them. I have friends in this exact situation . I’m happy for them, too. Maybe it’s different for me, since it’s not new information. OP is probably having trouble adjusting because it’s a change to a metric that’s at the core of family identity—the need to work hard and struggle. The sister jumped ahead in this very salient dimension, and OP needs to give herself time to adjust.

+1000

Op is human. It's human nature to feel jealous and envy. Whats important is how to manage these feelings and emotions.

Op, these feelings will eventually subside. Process these emotions as well as you can.

Love and be happy for your sister.

At least you'll benefit from vacations and going out to high end restaurants with your sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our family was pretty LMC when we were growing up and one of the common theme in our life that bonded us was struggling to make a good life for ourselves. I do pretty ok for myself with a 110k salary and with a DH who makes 200k-150k. My sister however married a trust fund kid who is set to inherit about 20 mil or after his parents pass. They do pretty well for a couple in their early thirties (300k-350k hhi) but the thought that she will be a multimillionaire in our lifetime is…staggering to me. Like I can’t process it because it changes how I view her?

I find myself feeling insecure and embarrassed around her and my BIL. It’s like no matter how many raises I get… I’ll never catch up to her blessings. And suddenly all of the things that keep me up at night ( saving for retirement, college for kids, downpayment for a house) are just…none issues for her. And she’s changed too, more relaxed and content. She has that relaxed easy going rich girl vibe now. It’s insane how money changes you.

Yeah…it’s a lot of mixed feelings..

Well, that is his money for one thing. Not hers. It is in a trust so it stays in the bloodline. But yeah her kids will be taken care of and that is a very good feeling.

FWIW I have a trust with assets worth that much and I am just a regular person but yes, much less anxiety. I don't make near as much as you guys though.

Part of being “regular” person is managing the existential anxiety that comes with having to earn wages and know you are an unlucky event from losing your job while coexisting besides people who by lucky evens were born into bloodlines that provide for them no matter if they work hard or not.

Managing that anxiety is not something to dismiss.

+100

Agree. I think its one thing to know trust funds exist and suspect a friend or two of having a trust fund. It is quite another to be smacked right in the face with it, so to speak, when it is a sibling. You know much more about the trust fund. You know much more about how it improves their life. Its a closer relationship you don't want to step away from if you're having a jealous moment. You are much more similar to a sibling than a friend so the unfairness is that much more apparent. It is unfair. Life isn't fair, but knowing that doesn't always help a whole lot.

OP, try not to think about it. I don't know what else you can do. You have a really solid income and plenty of choices in life. Congratulations on working your way out of a really tough background.

My sister also married a trust fund baby, OP. No idea how much he stands to inherit but he gets about $100K/year right now. We make considerably more than them ($600K HHI and on track for our income to rise to about $900K+ by the time I'm 40) but have a similar lifestyle (we both have FT nannies and drive Honda Pilot/Subaru Ascent type cars... we live in a more expensive home although his parents may give them their old house) and sometimes it does get to me because while we kill ourselves in the NYC rat race they both have very stress free, easy breezy jobs (her husband is a fed and she is a therapist PT) and get income seemingly like mana from the heavens...And my parents always tell me "Larla and Bob aren't like you and DH...They don't make a lot." It's like my parents have a mental block that he has a trust fund that pays him out $100K a year and stands to inherit millions whereas if I lost my job or went to PT our lifestyle would change dramatically and there wouldn't be a backstop. What I am not jealous of is that my sister's husband basically controls all of their spending. She had really bad PPD/PPA a few years ago and he refused to get a cleaning person to help with household tasks because she was home with the baby on unpaid maternity leave. She literally couldn't shower or put the baby in the car to drive to the grocery store and he expected her to take care of a newborn as a first time mom with raging PPD/PAA and clean. He also forbid her from using Apple Music because the 9.99 subscription was too expensive. I mean, it's not a walk in the park. You know your kids will be taken care of no matter what which is huge but many people who grow up with wealth and feel rightfully entitled to their money feel empowered to spend it as they want to which can mean not all or only on things that they deem essential.

[Anonymous]

OP in my experience family members who become rich immediately and permanently pull away so expect your sister to be distant from this point onwards.