Would you drop this competitive mom friend?

[Anonymous]

Tell the friend loves to brag that one of your friends’ kid reads at 2, plays 2 music instruments at 3, figure skates at 4 and joins competitive swim team at 5 and that’s truly gifted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

Wait, maybe I'm competitive but I don't see why her response wasn't valid? I was telling my friend that both of my kids were reading chapter books by 1st grade. Maybe it was the last straw for you though. In general I think the realtionships are natured that way bc everyone is in the same swim lane. It's not taht it is a competition but what else can you talk about and share/compare. I haven't figured this out yet, maybe some are better than others on how to communicate without inciting competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lost friends because of my smart kids. It's not my fault my kids are smarter than average. I don't brag, it's just obvious when I post about them, it above what other kids are doing in academics and music. Find your tribe OP. I mostly have friends are the status as me now. No competition, just moms sharing.

Why are you posting about your kid’s’ accomplishments, presumably on social media, to the extent that it’s alienating people? Truly, what are you standing to gain from it? I can guarantee that it’s some form of attention and you prob deserve this.

All of my friends post their kids. Im not the only person who does this. Welcome to 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've lost friends because of my smart kids. It's not my fault my kids are smarter than average. I don't brag, it's just obvious when I post about them, it above what other kids are doing in academics and music. Find your tribe OP. I mostly have friends are the status as me now. No competition, just moms sharing.

Why are you posting about your kid’s’ accomplishments, presumably on social media, to the extent that it’s alienating people? Truly, what are you standing to gain from it? I can guarantee that it’s some form of attention and you prob deserve this.

+1 It's scary how much personal information people leak without realizing it. A mom at my child's school posts tons of pics of her kids and house and car on IG, and without knowing anything else about this family, I was able to find their address from Google satellite maps just because of some distinctive feature in their back yard that is easily spotted from the aerial view. On top of that, anyone can quickly deduce where she works and where their older child goes to high school just from stuff that appears in the background of all the pics taken inside the house.

You can literally find anyones address with google. My social media is private to friends and family who choose to follow me.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is a long road, OP. My kids are almost grown. It is very easy for moms of young ones to get quite cocky and think they totally have this parenting thing nailed. They have not been humbled by their own child.

Then this mom's child reaches 10/12/14/16/18 and this mom is thrown for a loop. What do you mean my kid did ____???

Every kid will disappoint his or her parents along the way. This other mother will be disappointed. Always remember that in the back of your mind.

In the short term, fade out on her. Find better friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you insecure OP? You sound insecure.

I agree with this. I have a friend who is a braggart and her child is genuinely more advanced academically and physically than mine. But I don’t mind because my own child has some sweet qualities that are not brag-worthy (like how she follows me around Saturday mornings helping with chores, or how caring she is of her little brother and his little friends). But I treasure them all the same and don’t mind oohing and aahing over my friend’s DD’s new trophy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you insecure OP? You sound insecure.

I think she sounds fed up with an obnoxious person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

No one should shame you for that. But yes your kids should be putting their own clothes away at 8.

Raise them to help themselves.

Can we all preemptively drop you as a friend? Just in case we meet you? It just feels more efficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you insecure OP? You sound insecure.

^And also you. Preemptively dropped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you insecure OP? You sound insecure.

Nah it's the boastful mom who thinks she invented motherhood who is insecure in this situation. Wait till the day that mom learns her daughter wasn't invited to someone's bday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you insecure OP? You sound insecure.

I agree with this. I have a friend who is a braggart and her child is genuinely more advanced academically and physically than mine. But I don’t mind because my own child has some sweet qualities that are not brag-worthy (like how she follows me around Saturday mornings helping with chores, or how caring she is of her little brother and his little friends). But I treasure them all the same and don’t mind oohing and aahing over my friend’s DD’s new trophy.

I don’t think it has anything to do with insecurity, necessarily. It’s more about how much you value the friendship. I also have a friend who brags a ton about her son, especially his academic skills. My son has a learning disability. Somehow, it doesn’t bother me that much that she brags. (I feel like it bothers her husband and some of our friends, though. I can feel them cringing and trying to change the subject.) We’ve been friends for 25 years, and she tolerates my faults so I’ll tolerate hers. But if I wasn’t feeling the friendship, the bragging would be intolerable and I’d be out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

Which political party does she support ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

Wait, maybe I'm competitive but I don't see why her response wasn't valid? I was telling my friend that both of my kids were reading chapter books by 1st grade. Maybe it was the last straw for you though. In general I think the realtionships are natured that way bc everyone is in the same swim lane. It's not taht it is a competition but what else can you talk about and share/compare. I haven't figured this out yet, maybe some are better than others on how to communicate without inciting competition.

OP is always free to distance themselves from any friend, but I agree with Pp here that I find the other parent’s comment perfectly reasonable. It’s fine for a parent to be proud of their kid’s advanced reading ability, and I’m a little confused why OP’s first reaction is to push the friend away instead of learning how the other child managed to have such a fantastic love of reading, or how they got motivated to put their own clothes away. But OP is their own person so it’s their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

Wait, maybe I'm competitive but I don't see why her response wasn't valid? I was telling my friend that both of my kids were reading chapter books by 1st grade. Maybe it was the last straw for you though. In general I think the realtionships are natured that way bc everyone is in the same swim lane. It's not taht it is a competition but what else can you talk about and share/compare. I haven't figured this out yet, maybe some are better than others on how to communicate without inciting competition.

NP - you really haven’t figured out how to have conversations with friends that don’t revolve around comparison? Really? That sounds like a nightmare.

The non-competitive response the OP’s friend could have given would be something like, “yeah, she loves to read. [insert topic change]”

My oldest was an early, advanced reader like this kid. Because I knew that, and because I don’t like to compete with my friends, I gave some variation of that response often. It’s possible this woman literally has no clue what typical reading development looks like, but based on what the OP has said, she’s probably just extremely competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met her in the line at preschool and things were budding and fine between us until first grade. Now everything feels to me like a competition, or nose-rubbing event with her. I may have experienced the last straw.

I first noticed it around early 1st grade. Her daughter came out nose in a book, reading a pretty advanced, Harry Potter-level chapter book and I remarked about it and she replied something like, “Yep! Why, isn’t Larla reading chapter books yet?” It made me question everything. Ever since then it’s been much of the same: If it’s not comments about academics and how advanced her kids are, it’s about how they overachieve in other areas. I’m sick of it.

Today I was shamed for still folding and putting away my 8yo clothes. Of course, she doesn’t do that for her kids.

Wait, maybe I'm competitive but I don't see why her response wasn't valid? I was telling my friend that both of my kids were reading chapter books by 1st grade. Maybe it was the last straw for you though. In general I think the realtionships are natured that way bc everyone is in the same swim lane. It's not taht it is a competition but what else can you talk about and share/compare. I haven't figured this out yet, maybe some are better than others on how to communicate without inciting competition.

NP - you really haven’t figured out how to have conversations with friends that don’t revolve around comparison? Really? That sounds like a nightmare.

The non-competitive response the OP’s friend could have given would be something like, “yeah, she loves to read. [insert topic change]”

My oldest was an early, advanced reader like this kid. Because I knew that, and because I don’t like to compete with my friends, I gave some variation of that response often. It’s possible this woman literally has no clue what typical reading development looks like, but based on what the OP has said, she’s probably just extremely competitive.

All of this.

I wish people would learn that this is not the only way to have a conversation with a friend:

Person A: Shares info about specific aspect of their life (child, work, family, etc.)
Person B: Shares detail about same specific aspect of life, sometimes as a direct comparison, sometimes as "maybe you should do this"

Some people do this instinctively, with everything. Like I'll say "yeah, my sister and I haven't been getting along well lately, it's really frustrating." And they'll respond "really, my sister and I never have arguments like that." Like... okay? It's not really relevant is it? You aren't having an issue with your sister, so it's really not necessary to discuss it. You asked what was going on in my life and this thing with my sister has been weighing on me. You can just listen, you don't have to compare.

And yes, it gets so much worse with kids. I'll say "we've been having issues with the school -- they never do outdoor recess in the winter, even on nice days, and it's frustrating because the kids need time outside." And I'll get "huh our school always does outdoor recess, that's never been an issue." Like, okay, I get that me talking about recess made you think immediately of your own experience. But it's okay not to say the first thing that pops into your brain. You can keep that to yourself and say "wow, that sounds frustrating -- I totally agree about kids needing outside time." It doesn't have to be a comparative conversation at all.

But I think a lot of people don't practice choosing not to share the first (and usually more self-centered) thing that pops into their head and instead focus the conversation on the actual subject. So a lot of conversations with fellow parents just wind up being an exchange of details about identical subjects. There's no actual conversing happening. This is why so many playground conversations are draining, folks. People are just speaking without thinking, and they are focusing on themselves and never taking a moment to focus on the person they are speaking to. This is why so often it feels like a competition. So much of our interactions are just thoughtless and transactional, with no real effort to understand each other or connect on an emotional level.