Uninterested in motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if anyone else has experienced this or understands what is going on with me.

I have two kids and love them dearly. I work a flexible job and spend a lot of time with them. I enjoy taking them to do things outdoors as well as visiting museums and other activities.

Besides spending time with my kids, I do not have any interest in motherhood. I am uninterested in making friends with other moms unless we’d be friends regardless of having kids. I do not care to have play dates and I am not really interested in things related to raising children. The PTA terrifies me.

I do not identify as a mom anymore than I identify as an employee or a wife. However I feel like an outlier and when I attend a child’s birthday party I get the sense I am rather unusual. I get the impression everything revolves around kids and my life isn’t like that. I enjoy traveling, spending time with just my husband, my job, girls weekends with my friends etc. I’m fortunate that we have plenty of money to still enjoy these things while having young kids.

Am I missing something?

I think what you are saying is that being a mom doesn't define you like it might others (perceived or not.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is really hard to tell if the original poster is totally judgmental or just not someone who identifies as “mom first.”

I am not a “mom first” person. If you ask me about myself, the fact I have kids would not be in the top three things I mentioned. I could not tell you the names of teachers at her school other than the teacher’s my kids have had. We have a child with profound special needs so we never made “family” friends. But unlike the poster that said she never bonded with her mom, I’m pretty sure my non-special needs 10 year old feels deeply bonded to me. I am the person she comes to for tons of advice on many subjects. She tells me tons of things about her daily life and I’m very interested. My kid would also say “oh, my mom doesn’t care about spirit week or things like that that other moms care about.” But, she doesn’t seem in any way negatively impacted that I didn’t prioritize buying an orange shirt she would never wear again for anti bullying day (as an example). If my kid says something is really important to her, my husband and I try to prioritize it.

I have plenty of friends that are moms, but we don’t really bond over kid stuff. We connect more over our professional lives. That doesn’t mean we are all depressed or bad moms.

op here. This is how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here - You sound like a lot of the mums I work for in Beverly Hills. I love working for parents like you, you are so uninvolved, it makes my job easy. It’s not a good thing for your kids, though.

[Anonymous]

Recognize your privilege OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you talked to the other moms you'd find that they also enjoy traveling, friendships and jobs. You're looking at them like NPCs in a video game but they are real people, not PTA robots.

Nice analogy.

It’s OPs anxiety and deeply internalized misogyny driving the need to see mothers as one-dimensional NPCs.

It’s seems just as misogynistic to judge a woman by her role and identity as a mom, no?

Nobody is judging OP for her identity as mom. They are judging her because she sees other women as dimensionless NPCs because they have kids. That’s flat-out misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is really hard to tell if the original poster is totally judgmental or just not someone who identifies as “mom first.”

I am not a “mom first” person. If you ask me about myself, the fact I have kids would not be in the top three things I mentioned. I could not tell you the names of teachers at her school other than the teacher’s my kids have had. We have a child with profound special needs so we never made “family” friends. But unlike the poster that said she never bonded with her mom, I’m pretty sure my non-special needs 10 year old feels deeply bonded to me. I am the person she comes to for tons of advice on many subjects. She tells me tons of things about her daily life and I’m very interested. My kid would also say “oh, my mom doesn’t care about spirit week or things like that that other moms care about.” But, she doesn’t seem in any way negatively impacted that I didn’t prioritize buying an orange shirt she would never wear again for anti bullying day (as an example). If my kid says something is really important to her, my husband and I try to prioritize it.

I have plenty of friends that are moms, but we don’t really bond over kid stuff. We connect more over our professional lives. That doesn’t mean we are all depressed or bad moms.

op here. This is how I feel.

I’m curious about something OP. Other Thant he things you enjoy that you do with your kids, what do you do for your kids? What things to do for your kids that you don’t particularly enjoy or that you wouldn’t do but for the kids, because you know it benefits them?

[Anonymous]

I was totally not interested in being in a sorority because … it sounded awful and I didn’t want to make friends that way. Then I ended up making friends with a bunch of people in sororities and going to their events and making friends with their sorority sisters and I realized it was just a convenient proxy for a way to find people you might have something in common with. I now approach motherhood the same way. Do I love play dates and the like? Not for the central purpose but I do enjoy the possibility of meeting someone who may share my interests in art or career or have some travel tips …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if anyone else has experienced this or understands what is going on with me.

I have two kids and love them dearly. I work a flexible job and spend a lot of time with them. I enjoy taking them to do things outdoors as well as visiting museums and other activities.

Besides spending time with my kids, I do not have any interest in motherhood. I am uninterested in making friends with other moms unless we’d be friends regardless of having kids. I do not care to have play dates and I am not really interested in things related to raising children. The PTA terrifies me.

I do not identify as a mom anymore than I identify as an employee or a wife. However I feel like an outlier and when I attend a child’s birthday party I get the sense I am rather unusual. I get the impression everything revolves around kids and my life isn’t like that. I enjoy traveling, spending time with just my husband, my job, girls weekends with my friends etc. I’m fortunate that we have plenty of money to still enjoy these things while having young kids.

Am I missing something?

No, you are not. This is how most women used to be as recent as just a generation ago. We have other organs beside the womb.

[Anonymous]

“I do not identify as . . .” Well, sorry, you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

[Anonymous]

It is more fun to be single.

[Anonymous]

OP gives NLOG vibes

Get over yourself, millions of other mothers feel the same way.

Most of us don’t want to be PTA president and have other interests outside of our children.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with the culture of running ragged so your kid can get on the best soccer team and into an ivy, and it seems our culture is maybe realizing that helicopter mom isn’t good for kids. But I grew up in a low income neighborhood and what you’re describing is how most of those kids grow up - parents who only do something if it’s something they want to do. Not a lot of selflessness in the poor corners of America. You may not be in a trailer park, but you’re raising your kids like them. And spoiler alert, they don’t turn out great.

[Anonymous]

I felt like this a lot when my kids were babies and toddlers. I really disliked being defined as “mom” vs. a “parent.” Being a parent and having a family has always been really important to me but I just didn’t like some of the mom expectations I felt society put on me. I do think that is normal and understandable. I have also kept many dear friends in my life who are childfree by choice and I never thought of my identity as “mom” first.

That said, as my kids got older, I have tried to be decently involved and I definitely try to make sure they have play dates and do lots of fun activities. I am social and have no problem with small talk or reaching out to others. I feel like these are almost two separate things though. Not wanting be seen only as a mom is totally normal and can be really healthy. I think people are forgetting OP said they enjoy spending time with their kids so I don’t think the accusations of uninvolvement are fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if anyone else has experienced this or understands what is going on with me.

I have two kids and love them dearly. I work a flexible job and spend a lot of time with them. I enjoy taking them to do things outdoors as well as visiting museums and other activities.

Besides spending time with my kids, I do not have any interest in motherhood. I am uninterested in making friends with other moms unless we’d be friends regardless of having kids. I do not care to have play dates and I am not really interested in things related to raising children. The PTA terrifies me.

I do not identify as a mom anymore than I identify as an employee or a wife. However I feel like an outlier and when I attend a child’s birthday party I get the sense I am rather unusual. I get the impression everything revolves around kids and my life isn’t like that. I enjoy traveling, spending time with just my husband, my job, girls weekends with my friends etc. I’m fortunate that we have plenty of money to still enjoy these things while having young kids.

Am I missing something?

Nothing is wrong with you imo, I wanted children dearly. For the record, unless you hit the magical unicorn friendship jackpot, my experience of mommy friends has been less than ideal as someone who never had all the luxury trappings. If you are wealthy, then I can see it being a lot "easier" bc you have more in common but if you are not, it's really hard and I felt "judged" in that area alot.