Uninterested in motherhood?

[Anonymous]

I think there is a wide spectrum of what "motherhood" looks like, and there is no right way to define it. Each mother defines what motherhood means to them. So it's perfectly fine for OP to operate as a mother as she would like...I do think she is letting others influence her thinking that she is somehow "uninterested" because her way may not look like others' way. But our goal is healthy, supported children and that can be successful regardless of how many playdates on has or whether one is on the PTA.

[Anonymous]

I think many moms are similar - who makes friends with someone just because they are also a mother? I have a couple of close mom friends, I didn’t become friends with them bc they were the first moms I met at daycare or preschool - friendships evolved because we had shared interests/senses of humor/etc. You become friends with specific people who you enjoy being around & who treat you well.

I also think most moms aren’t having play dates for their kids because they find them so fun & interesting - you do it because it’s fun for your kid, helps them practice social skills, keeps you from having to play matchbox cars with them every single day, etc.

So I would say you are missing out if you are shunning mom friends & play dates, just because. I think these things can add value in your life.

As far as the bday conversations, these moms are making small talk with you based on your common interests (kids the same age). I wouldn’t paint every mom you meet at a kid event with the same brush - they may have an interesting career, past, travel all the time, whatever. But they are making small talk at a kids bday party, so that’s the conversation. Just like at work “social” events, a lot of the conversation starts out around projects/clients/industry changes. It doesn’t mean you only care about work - it’s just that’s what you have in common, so that’s what you start with. With some people, if you ask questions & are interested, you will find they have a much bigger life than just employee, mom, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids (9, 7, and almost 4), a FT job, a few friends and family I am very close to. I am so busy with my job and my kids that I don’t have time for much else. Older kids are in activities, have homework, friends, play dates, birthday parties, sleepovers, school events, doctor/dentist appointments, fears, obstacles, achievements, etc. I have no time for girls’ weekend. I also don’t miss it. I truly enjoy my family life because of my kids.

I am also not super social, don’t like small talk, etc. and all the things I do for my kids that involve other people are done exclusively for my kids. But those things are so important… having friends and activities, feeling supported because parents are involved and participate to school events (not PTA in my case) makes a huge difference.
My kids are in private school and I think that parents’ involvement is even more pronounced than in public school.

While my kids are not everything in my life, they are definitely the most important part (I had 3 for this reason).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with the culture of running ragged so your kid can get on the best soccer team and into an ivy, and it seems our culture is maybe realizing that helicopter mom isn’t good for kids. But I grew up in a low income neighborhood and what you’re describing is how most of those kids grow up - parents who only do something if it’s something they want to do. Not a lot of selflessness in the poor corners of America. You may not be in a trailer park, but you’re raising your kids like them. And spoiler alert, they don’t turn out great.

Um, might there be any other reasons that the kids from trailer park don't turn out great? Just asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with the culture of running ragged so your kid can get on the best soccer team and into an ivy, and it seems our culture is maybe realizing that helicopter mom isn’t good for kids. But I grew up in a low income neighborhood and what you’re describing is how most of those kids grow up - parents who only do something if it’s something they want to do. Not a lot of selflessness in the poor corners of America. You may not be in a trailer park, but you’re raising your kids like them. And spoiler alert, they don’t turn out great.

Um, might there be any other reasons that the kids from trailer park don't turn out great? Just asking.

I don’t know what you’re inferring? Are you racist or something? Absent parents/parents who don’t involve themselves in their kids lives on a daily - hourly - basis, is the biggest differentiator. If you’re poor or black but have active parental involvement your chances of success are high, which is a pretty known statistic.

[Anonymous]

As far as from a kid perspective, I had a mom who was less interested in being a mom. I remember being very envious at times of a friend who had a more involved mom - she volunteered at school, carpooled to drive us places, let her DD host fun play dates/sleepovers at their house, talked to me & always kind of knew what was going on with us. Who knows what her life was really like since I was looking at it through the lens of a kid, but I could definitely feel that she was way more interested her kids (& even their friends) than my mom was in me.
So I think there’s a happy medium in there somewhere. I don’t think mothers should sacrifice their whole lives for their kids, but demonstrating some interest in the world they go to when they step out the front door is helpful. Like, know their teachers, chaperone a field trip here & there, help them have playdates, drive them & their friends to the dance. Even if that’s not how you would choose to spend a couple hours, it goes a long way - your kids definitely notice & feel that level of attention.

[Anonymous]

Me too ! Except we are childfree. Life is good.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound "uninterested in motherhood." I'm similar. I like actually parenting and spending time with my kids, and I love our family dynamics -- taking trips together, cozy evenings together, etc. I don't have a "mom group" and my PTA involvement is pretty minimal -- we donate a set amount of money each year to the various fundraisers, plus DH and I take turns volunteering at events. It winds up being a few hours every other month or so, plus we split it up so it's not too onerous (and definitely not "a mom thing" since our kids have a dad too).

I am a mom but don't consider "mom" my whole identity. I think about the course of my life and recognize that it won't be too long before my kids are off to college and making their own lives. They will always be a huge part of my life -- my DH and my kids are the most important relationships in my life. But they'll also have important relationships with other people. I want to give them a great start to life, a soft place to land when they needed, really great relationships with the first two people they will love Ean who will love them. But I'm not their whole life and they aren't mine. We are separate people. I have a career and other interests.

This all sounds normal to me. I think it's dangerous to make motherhood your whole world. For you and for your kids.

[Anonymous]

You misspoke. You’re just not interested in other mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You misspoke. You’re just not interested in other mothers.

+1. It sounds more like you don’t like other parents. But, honestly, most people don’t do play dates or kids bday parties for their own enjoyment…they are there for the kids so yours doesn’t seem like an unusual take

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious if anyone else has experienced this or understands what is going on with me.

I have two kids and love them dearly. I work a flexible job and spend a lot of time with them. I enjoy taking them to do things outdoors as well as visiting museums and other activities.

Besides spending time with my kids, I do not have any interest in motherhood. I am uninterested in making friends with other moms unless we’d be friends regardless of having kids. I do not care to have play dates and I am not really interested in things related to raising children. The PTA terrifies me.

I do not identify as a mom anymore than I identify as an employee or a wife. However I feel like an outlier and when I attend a child’s birthday party I get the sense I am rather unusual. I get the impression everything revolves around kids and my life isn’t like that. I enjoy traveling, spending time with just my husband, my job, girls weekends with my friends etc. I’m fortunate that we have plenty of money to still enjoy these things while having young kids.

Am I missing something?

No, you are not. This is how most women used to be as recent as just a generation ago. We have other organs beside the womb.

Actually she sounds like.a great dad! If a guy said that he liked taking his kids places and hanging out with them but when he got to talk with his dude friends he wanted to alk about sports and current events and not gossip about his kids teachers, we would call him a great guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too ! Except we are childfree. Life is good.

Hmmm... hanging out and commenting in a parent forum. Life is good, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You misspoke. You’re just not interested in other mothers.

+1. I get it. I’m like this, too. I have zero interest in taking with other parents just because they are some how affiliated with my kid. I volunteer once a year for something in the classroom. I have no idea who the other parents or teachers are at the school. I had to ask where my kids class was the last time I was there.

And I don’t do “play dates.” My kids go to before school care and have lots of neighborhood friends. I hate planning events with other parents. Especially parents that do not work. They want drop off and pick up at times that never work for me. Same for birthday parties. If it’s drop off my kid can go. I don’t want to spend two hours making small talk with other parents.