Uninterested in motherhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

+1. PP’s mom built a community for herself, but not for her young child. When things went bad, the mom had support but her child didn’t. None of us like to think about something like that happening to us, but it does happen to some people and when it does, having a community to support them can make a world of difference to a child.

[Anonymous]

Not being into motherhood is not depression or anxiety. You “Mom obsessed” people need to stop saying that. Just because people feel like OP means they have other things going on. I get what OP is saying. She will have an awesome life after the kids leave home and not some obsessed empty nester with no life. Its about balance. Is she judgey, perhaps, but seriously doubt depressed. Probably even a lil regret…but hey…that’s life!

[Anonymous]

I find it kind of a weird concept that you can be a good mother even if you deliberately avoid learning about things related to raising kids. I'm not saying you have to be friends with other mothers or even go to PTA meetings but the OP says "I am not really interested in things related to raising children". That's like saying I'm a doctor but I'm not really interested in all that medical stuff, or I'm a lawyer but I'm not really interested in knowing the law.

I think some women are really going way overboard as they try to disassociate themselves from traditional motherhood while also trying to cultivate an identity that is more acceptable to moms with careers and are leaning way too far into their personal preferences and interests at the expense of making sure their kids are getting what they need. It's selfish and indicates a very narrow perspective.

[Anonymous]

So what is the problem? You sound involved with your kids. I do not see the issue here (???)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so “not like other girls” lol.

This. OP, but did you get picked, sis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so “not like other girls” lol.

This. OP, but did you get picked, sis?

Seems like some on this thread took the bait

[Anonymous]

Uninterested in the Motherhood Industrial Complex

I think the responses to OP are harsh. It’s fine to focus on your connection with your kids and nuclear family vs treating motherhood like another career full of networking opportunities, deliverables, and boxes to check. I see too much of that and it’s to the detriment of the kids, too.

Are you engaged with your children and their feelings and do you respond appropriately? That’s most of that matters.

If OPs post was describing a working father we’d say great job, Dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, In this economy I don't know anyone who has "plenty of money." Everyone i know is constantly taken aback by the coast of food. We give a lot less to charity than we did 5 years ago. We are all college grads with full-time jobs. What are we missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if anyone else has experienced this or understands what is going on with me.

I have two kids and love them dearly. I work a flexible job and spend a lot of time with them. I enjoy taking them to do things outdoors as well as visiting museums and other activities.

Besides spending time with my kids, I do not have any interest in motherhood. I am uninterested in making friends with other moms unless we’d be friends regardless of having kids. I do not care to have play dates and I am not really interested in things related to raising children. The PTA terrifies me.

I do not identify as a mom anymore than I identify as an employee or a wife. However I feel like an outlier and when I attend a child’s birthday party I get the sense I am rather unusual. I get the impression everything revolves around kids and my life isn’t like that. I enjoy traveling, spending time with just my husband, my job, girls weekends with my friends etc. I’m fortunate that we have plenty of money to still enjoy these things while having young kids.

Am I missing something?

Keep in mind that when you are at a kids' birthday party, the kids are the thing you all know you have in common, so kid stuff is the topic everyone will gravitate to. If you had, say, golf as one of your interests and went to a golf tournament, the talk would probably revolve around golf and the initial impression might be that everyone has golf as their main interest in life. The reality would be that both the party parents and the golfers are multi-faceted with many interests in life, but the situation leads to a focus on one thing because it is what everyone knows they have in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is really hard to tell if the original poster is totally judgmental or just not someone who identifies as “mom first.”

I am not a “mom first” person. If you ask me about myself, the fact I have kids would not be in the top three things I mentioned. I could not tell you the names of teachers at her school other than the teacher’s my kids have had. We have a child with profound special needs so we never made “family” friends. But unlike the poster that said she never bonded with her mom, I’m pretty sure my non-special needs 10 year old feels deeply bonded to me. I am the person she comes to for tons of advice on many subjects. She tells me tons of things about her daily life and I’m very interested. My kid would also say “oh, my mom doesn’t care about spirit week or things like that that other moms care about.” But, she doesn’t seem in any way negatively impacted that I didn’t prioritize buying an orange shirt she would never wear again for anti bullying day (as an example). If my kid says something is really important to her, my husband and I try to prioritize it.

I have plenty of friends that are moms, but we don’t really bond over kid stuff. We connect more over our professional lives. That doesn’t mean we are all depressed or bad moms.

op here. This is how I feel.

Sure but why are you assuming everyone you meet casually at a kids event is mom first? I am like this but if I am a kids party with strangers, I talk about the kids. I am not going to start talking about my latest girls weekend or books or whatever by the pizza table with strangers. That’s weird. Most people have many facets, but they don’t trot them out at all occasions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OP just wants to feel superior to other parents.

Parents go to birthday parties and play dates for the benefit of their kids. Personally I don’t always love those things, but I do find it nice to engage with my child’s community. That doesn’t mean I don’t have friends and interests separate from being a parent. OP, do you ever actually try to get to know other parents? It’s okay if not, but you may find they aren’t the stereotype you have in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

+1. PP’s mom built a community for herself, but not for her young child. When things went bad, the mom had support but her child didn’t. None of us like to think about something like that happening to us, but it does happen to some people and when it does, having a community to support them can make a world of difference to a child.

+100. I am super involved in my kids' school and try to get to know their teachers & their friends' parents. One of the reasons that I do that is so that a lot of people are looking out for my kids. My kids are not left out of birthday parties, there are easily 5-10 people who would tell me if my child was misbehaving at school w/o feeling weird about it & who similarly would tell me if my kid was being bullied or something was wrong, etc. I also have a great community of co-workers, friends from college, etc, etc, but those people are not as invested in my *kid* and not in a position to look out for my kid. I totally get what PP means & why she's resentful.

[Anonymous]

NP. I mean it is common sense that kids like to grow up in a community. Of course they do, and of course they notice the lack of one. The PP who was trying to pretend that’s some sort of weird out-there concept is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was this way. Trust me your kids are going to feel this growing up, this disinterest in being a mother.

I used to wonder why she was so disconnected compared to my friend's moms. What gene was she missing that she did not want to do any of the other things other moms did? It mad meme feel awful about myself. I know she loved me, but she just showed not one iota of interest in parenting.

By the time I was in HS I was going to other people's moms for advice and guidance. My mother and I just never really bonded. After college we have no real relationship.


I agree that this is an anxiety/depression issue and that you are externalizing your insecurity and projecting it onto these mothers in the form of judgment.

Get help before it is too late.

Just because she didn’t enjoy play dates with strangers or pta?

Not enjoying, or not hosting?

My mom did not host, did not carpool, was not friends with the other moms and so missed out on a ton of opportunities that are passed through casual word-of-mouth networks.

Like it or not, when you become a parent you become part of a community. Your kid will suffer if you hold yourself apart.

I did. My mom got cancer when I was in ES. Her professional colleagues and friends were worthless in terms of helping me. If she had a circle of mom friends, I would have had rides to activities, support, meals, people checking in on me. I know b/c as a mom this is what I do, and my mom friends do, for each other when we are in need. We step up. That's based on years of being in the parenting trenches together.

And because she got cancer and didn’t have a circle of mom friends DS to lean on, you blame her for being a bad mom and you’re not close? You sound like a psychopath.

Yeah, must have been a fun kid to parent. Poor mom, some people are born shitty.

NP. Lots of defensiveness here. It makes perfect sense that a kid would feel abandoned by a parent who didn't provide or arrange for proper care for them, and that the relationship would suffer.

Good moms can read what the PP wrote without savaging her. The fact that you two can't says something.

+1. PP’s mom built a community for herself, but not for her young child. When things went bad, the mom had support but her child didn’t. None of us like to think about something like that happening to us, but it does happen to some people and when it does, having a community to support them can make a world of difference to a child.

+100. I am super involved in my kids' school and try to get to know their teachers & their friends' parents. One of the reasons that I do that is so that a lot of people are looking out for my kids. My kids are not left out of birthday parties, there are easily 5-10 people who would tell me if my child was misbehaving at school w/o feeling weird about it & who similarly would tell me if my kid was being bullied or something was wrong, etc. I also have a great community of co-workers, friends from college, etc, etc, but those people are not as invested in my *kid* and not in a position to look out for my kid. I totally get what PP means & why she's resentful.

I agree with this as well. My MIL was like this when my husband was young and it bothered him a lot. He never had a kid birthday party or even friends over other than unorganized things outdoors.
I know several women like this and I consider them weirdos. They sit apart at the birthday parties because they don't want to get to know anyone. Always bashing the PTA. It's a form of prejudice. They will say things like "they're not my people." How do you know that???

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t into the PTA but I was involved because it benefited my kids and my community. I wasn’t into soccer but did it because my kid loved it. I like théâtre well enough but I got involved with her school program because she loved it. I’m not into basketball but I go to games because my husband likes it and it is fun to share in something he enjoys the same way he goes to museums with me. It’s not about motherhood. But that generally when you love someone you take an interest in the things that are meaningful to them.