How do I write the name in the address of a sympathy card to an aunt whose husband recently died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

You may be done with it, but it's still correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

I love that you'd write "Aunt" on the envelope going in the mail. Reminds me of when I tried to send my grandma a card and my parents didn't catch that I addressed it to "Grandma" AND left the apartment number off the address. It came back to us with a note from a mailman clearly having a trying time, that said, "There are a LOT of grandmas in this building - which one!?"

Of course I'd write aunt on the card. That's who she is to me. I would also give her name - HER name, not her husband's name - and address, so it can reach her.

I address cards to my parents as Mom and Dad Smith, too. I am not suggesting everyone do exactly as I do, but I can't fathom in a hundred million years addressing a relative as Mrs. Husband's Name. I can't imagine addressing anyone that way - I am 49, this seems just wildly old fashioned to me - but especially not someone who is my blood.

On the card, or the envelope?

I always use last names on envelopes. If' I'm sending a birthday card to my 2 year old nephew I write "Larlo Higgenbotham" and "Hildegarde Merriweather" for the return address even though inside I'll write "Pumpkin" and "Love, Auntie Hilda".

New poster and I’ve done this to my close aunts as a kid and even as an adult. If handwriting it’s to Aunt First name Last name.

To OP, address the card the way you normally would. If you normally call her Mrs. Husband name Last name then do that. My MIL is older and sometimes addresses cards like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the important part: his death didn't change what you'd write.

If she was Mrs. John Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Ms. Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

No change. That's the deal.

THANK YOU!

My neighbor, who has always been Mrs. John Smith, would want you to send the sympathy card to Mrs John Smith. In fact, it bothers her when people change it to her first name. We don't have to share her customs, but it's not our place to override her values with ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

You may be done with it, but it's still correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Of course she isn't going to forget. But waiving it in front of her face while she is in mourning is a little insensitive.

Quite the opposite.

I was more saddened by those who tried to erase him as soon as he was gone. Please do use my husband's name on cards and talk about him when you see me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the important part: his death didn't change what you'd write.

If she was Mrs. John Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Ms. Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

No change. That's the deal.

THANK YOU!

My neighbor, who has always been Mrs. John Smith, would want you to send the sympathy card to Mrs John Smith. In fact, it bothers her when people change it to her first name. We don't have to share her customs, but it's not our place to override her values with ours.

+1

[Anonymous]

She’s your aunt. It’s a sympathy card, not a wedding invitation. I’d put Aunt Larla.

[Anonymous]

To the family I.e.:The Smith Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

You may be done with it, but it's still correct.

No, it was “correct” in 1950. You do realize it is closer to 2050 than to 1950, yes? We’re not doing the sexist BS anymore. You can hang on to your pearls, but the world has moved on. If you want to be a dinosaur, that’s fine. But if you send me something addressed to “Mrs. Donald Draper” it is going in the recycling, unopened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s your aunt. It’s a sympathy card, not a wedding invitation. I’d put Aunt Larla.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

You may be done with it, but it's still correct.

No, it was “correct” in 1950. You do realize it is closer to 2050 than to 1950, yes? We’re not doing the sexist BS anymore. You can hang on to your pearls, but the world has moved on. If you want to be a dinosaur, that’s fine. But if you send me something addressed to “Mrs. Donald Draper” it is going in the recycling, unopened.

The people saying that they should address it as Mrs. HisFirstname Lastname are being clear that that's based on the assumption that she would have addressed things to Mr. and Mrs. Firstname Lastname previously. Otherwise, continue to address it as you would have before.

If you've always addressed things as "Aunt" or used Ms. or not put a title at all, then keep doing that. But if the norm before was Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname then not doing now would be glaring. If this person preferred that form, and you didn't rock that boat before, this isn't the time to do it, because the absence will hurt.

I haven't lost a spouse, but I lost a child. In those early months, if someone referred to me as a mother of 2, it hurt a lot, because I'll be the mother of 3 in my mind. Now, if someone doesn't know, maybe because I met them later, but if someone had referred to me as a mother of 2 in a sympathy card? I would be hurt that my child was erased like that, because obviously someone who is writing a sympathy card for my child knows and remembers that he existed. I see this as similar. In her mind, he'll always be her husband. Addressing her in a way that's different than how you addressed her when he was alive would hurt in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

You may be done with it, but it's still correct.

No, it was “correct” in 1950. You do realize it is closer to 2050 than to 1950, yes? We’re not doing the sexist BS anymore. You can hang on to your pearls, but the world has moved on. If you want to be a dinosaur, that’s fine. But if you send me something addressed to “Mrs. Donald Draper” it is going in the recycling, unopened.

No worries. I can tell we wouldn't be communicating with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I think even Miss Manners and Emily Post have moved away from Mrs. John Smith. BUT if your aunt was super-formal and old, she may want to be addressed that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

It is not 1950, and it never will be again. We’re done with that.

I hope that you'll learn that we should never be "done" with the preference of the person you're writing. It's not all about YOU.