Any rules when your college goer comes back home?

[Anonymous]

I would make sure your daughter has healthy boundaries and understands that this is a time in her life when she should understand guys come and go and she should date enough guys to know what she really wants. If this one is meant to be, then he would still be later down the road.

A certain level of respect is required in your home, I wouldn’t be comfortable with a sleepover in my house in the same room but would be okay with separate rooms. There is plenty of time during the day when I’m at work to be alone.

Invite the boy over for dinner or out with you. Get to know him and watch how he interacts with your daughter and how she acts around him.

Talk to her about using protection every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

You must be male. We’re you in a fraternity or in a football team?

(It is just a shame that you did not acquire even a modicum of breeding somewhere along the way)

It was a joke, idiot.

I was at the university of Delaware men’s dorm bathrooms and a sign was up requesting no jerking off in the showers as it is clogging the pipes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

I agree 100 percent with this.

We have similar rules.

The one thing that's different is that DD can keep her computer in her room, as she does at college. Before she left for college, her computer was in our family room, where she did her homework. But that was because we didn't want her to spend all day on her computer, which she might have done if it were in her room. Now that she's in college, she's in charge of her time, and if she chooses to spend all day on her computer in her room, that's her business.

Otherwise, yes, when are you going out, when are you coming in, etc? DD doesn't drive, so she has to ask us to take her places anyway. No drinking or smoking, of course. She does not have a boyfriend, as yet, and if she did, no, we would not allow him to stay over here, nor would we allow her to stay over with him during her breaks. At college, she can do what she wants.

It's a period of transition, OP, and it's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Each child is different, so we bend our rules according to what the child needs and wants and what we feel comfortable with. No drugs, ever of course. DD is a guest in our house, essentially, because now she lives at school, so she must behave as a guest, not a slobby, obnoxious teenager, which she was before she left for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

I agree 100 percent with this.

We have similar rules.

The one thing that's different is that DD can keep her computer in her room, as she does at college. Before she left for college, her computer was in our family room, where she did her homework. But that was because we didn't want her to spend all day on her computer, which she might have done if it were in her room. Now that she's in college, she's in charge of her time, and if she chooses to spend all day on her computer in her room, that's her business.

Otherwise, yes, when are you going out, when are you coming in, etc? DD doesn't drive, so she has to ask us to take her places anyway. No drinking or smoking, of course. She does not have a boyfriend, as yet, and if she did, no, we would not allow him to stay over here, nor would we allow her to stay over with him during her breaks. At college, she can do what she wants.

It's a period of transition, OP, and it's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Each child is different, so we bend our rules according to what the child needs and wants and what we feel comfortable with. No drugs, ever of course. DD is a guest in our house, essentially, because now she lives at school, so she must behave as a guest, not a slobby, obnoxious teenager, which she was before she left for college.

You are a bit of a Joan Crawford Mom if you think your own child is a guest in your house. If anything it is more your kids house than your house. It is a family home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

I agree 100 percent with this.

We have similar rules.

The one thing that's different is that DD can keep her computer in her room, as she does at college. Before she left for college, her computer was in our family room, where she did her homework. But that was because we didn't want her to spend all day on her computer, which she might have done if it were in her room. Now that she's in college, she's in charge of her time, and if she chooses to spend all day on her computer in her room, that's her business.

Otherwise, yes, when are you going out, when are you coming in, etc? DD doesn't drive, so she has to ask us to take her places anyway. No drinking or smoking, of course. She does not have a boyfriend, as yet, and if she did, no, we would not allow him to stay over here, nor would we allow her to stay over with him during her breaks. At college, she can do what she wants.

It's a period of transition, OP, and it's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Each child is different, so we bend our rules according to what the child needs and wants and what we feel comfortable with. No drugs, ever of course. DD is a guest in our house, essentially, because now she lives at school, so she must behave as a guest, not a slobby, obnoxious teenager, which she was before she left for college.

I would never consider my kids a guest in any house I live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

You must be male. We’re you in a fraternity or in a football team?

(It is just a shame that you did not acquire even a modicum of breeding somewhere along the way)

It was a joke, idiot.

I was at the university of Delaware men’s dorm bathrooms and a sign was up requesting no jerking off in the showers as it is clogging the pipes.

I was at VT and someone actually was crapping on the floor of the communal shower. Totally gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

I agree 100 percent with this.

We have similar rules.

The one thing that's different is that DD can keep her computer in her room, as she does at college. Before she left for college, her computer was in our family room, where she did her homework. But that was because we didn't want her to spend all day on her computer, which she might have done if it were in her room. Now that she's in college, she's in charge of her time, and if she chooses to spend all day on her computer in her room, that's her business.

Otherwise, yes, when are you going out, when are you coming in, etc? DD doesn't drive, so she has to ask us to take her places anyway. No drinking or smoking, of course. She does not have a boyfriend, as yet, and if she did, no, we would not allow him to stay over here, nor would we allow her to stay over with him during her breaks. At college, she can do what she wants.

It's a period of transition, OP, and it's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Each child is different, so we bend our rules according to what the child needs and wants and what we feel comfortable with. No drugs, ever of course. DD is a guest in our house, essentially, because now she lives at school, so she must behave as a guest, not a slobby, obnoxious teenager, which she was before she left for college.

I would never consider my kids a guest in any house I live in.

Same. This reminds me of parents who say “ you are always welcome here” but, no, their kid/young adult feels they really aren’t. My MIL is like this. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

I agree 100 percent with this.

We have similar rules.

The one thing that's different is that DD can keep her computer in her room, as she does at college. Before she left for college, her computer was in our family room, where she did her homework. But that was because we didn't want her to spend all day on her computer, which she might have done if it were in her room. Now that she's in college, she's in charge of her time, and if she chooses to spend all day on her computer in her room, that's her business.

Otherwise, yes, when are you going out, when are you coming in, etc? DD doesn't drive, so she has to ask us to take her places anyway. No drinking or smoking, of course. She does not have a boyfriend, as yet, and if she did, no, we would not allow him to stay over here, nor would we allow her to stay over with him during her breaks. At college, she can do what she wants.

It's a period of transition, OP, and it's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Each child is different, so we bend our rules according to what the child needs and wants and what we feel comfortable with. No drugs, ever of course. DD is a guest in our house, essentially, because now she lives at school, so she must behave as a guest, not a slobby, obnoxious teenager, which she was before she left for college.

You are a bit of a Joan Crawford Mom if you think your own child is a guest in your house. If anything it is more your kids house than your house. It is a family home.

I would agree. Your family home is still your child's only home (until they move out for a job or grad school). You can hardly call a dorm room that changes every year, with shared showers and no kitchen their "home." For now, you are still that place. Let them feel that way (though I agree with most of your rules, because they are your child not your guest).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

You must be male. We’re you in a fraternity or in a football team?

(It is just a shame that you did not acquire even a modicum of breeding somewhere along the way)

It was a joke, idiot.

But what parents do you know who makes jokes like that? I can't imagine being at a dinner party with anyone over maybe 14 where that is the level of humor.

Just because you are on the internet doesn't mean that you have no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

You must be male. We’re you in a fraternity or in a football team?

(It is just a shame that you did not acquire even a modicum of breeding somewhere along the way)

It was a joke, idiot.

But what parents do you know who makes jokes like that? I can't imagine being at a dinner party with anyone over maybe 14 where that is the level of humor.

Just because you are on the internet doesn't mean that you have no boundaries.

Idiot with no sense of humor incapable of understanding jokes. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Normal family rules. We are not going to shove them out of the house because they are 18 years of age. And while legally they may be young adults, they stull need a lot of guidance and support. They should be in a stable well-paying career, have the good sense to look after their mental, physical, emotional, educational, social and financial well being and for that they will be guided by us.

We are not toxic parents and they are not orphans. They are well raised and well loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No staying over at romantic interest place. Home by 9 pm. Sorry. Kid is still living in your house.

Sincere question - what is this about? 9 pm curfew for an adult? Do you sincerely not want them to come back at all while they are in college? I’m trying to wrap my mind around this thinking and I can’t. Yes, you are perfectly within your rights as a homeowner to say these are my rules. But why would you actually do that?

I totally understand your question and many parents will not agree with me. Here is my sincere answer. I had to walk a very fine balance as a South Asian immigrant mom to make sure that my kids were healthy, happy, successful etc. They are living in two cultures but the cultures needed to blend in a way that it worked for them and for us. Finally, we did not want our rules to have adverse effects on them. We wanted most of our rules to be palatable and advantageous for them, and we wanted them to recognize and embrace it.

None of my kids were allowed to date in HS. We did not feel that dating was age appropriate or something that was an essential that needed to be catered to. We found no value to people being sexually active or in relationships that early. In some ways it was a big relief for them because it gave them an opt out - "My parents won't allow it." However, they were having parties for friends at home, sleepovers, playdates, events etc through out their childhood and teenage years, so they had more socialization then most kids.

We were also there to keep an eye on them (no alcohol, smoking, bad behavior) in the guise of keeping them supplied with tons of hot appetizers and delicious food etc when they had friends over. In HS, they were in many EC activities that required travelling and I or DH always escorted them. Even when travelling, we made it a mini vacation to sneak in fun activities like dining in nice places, taking in the sights or a show etc, so that they enjoyed themselves and felt special. Yes, we treated their friends too because it allowed us to observe the friends and evaluate the company my kids kept unobtrusively. We did a bit of social engineering when we could. Made friends with the parents of the kids we liked also and we realized good parents raised good kids.

And yes, while there was no dating in HS, my kids were the social butterflies with organizing chops who were capable of organizing large groups of their friends to go for trips and attend all the school events - games, homecomings, theatre, prom, picnics, beach week etc, At home, for my kids there was a lot of open communication, always present and clued in parents, priority to education and ECs, lots of socializing across the two cultures, large network of family and friends, functional family life and a comfortable UMC lifestyle.

Part and parcel of their upbringing is having personal responsibility and respect for the house rules. That is true for all of us. Unless we are going for a party or event, we all are home by 9 pm. Usually we are home by 5-7 pm. If my AC are home (staying with us or visiting us) it is just normal to adhere to the family rules. For us, this is respectful towards everyone. It goes without saying that they need to be discreet about their adult relationships, and setting expectations in their romantic partners and friends about the ground rules from the get go. This also gives them some discipline in how to organize their time when they have obligations towards school, work, children, marriage, household etc.

It has worked well for my kids and for our family. My ACs are not really attracting people with very different values from themselves. The irresponsible partier who needs to be drunk in a bar every night, or someone who is ok with casual hookups and ONS, or someone who is doing poorly at college or work, or someone who does not have functional family and friends to introduce to my children - these kinds of people are steering far, far away from my children.

YMMV.

You seem very sincere and I think you actually believe all this, but, as it seems that you did not attend college in the US, I would just like to point out that, when I was in college, the kids that were raised like this were the ones that went absolutely wild the moment they were out of their parents’ view. Of course, their parents had no idea.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

You have to be dating 9 months to sleep in the same room.

Nobody is forced to “go home” because driving at night is dangerous but you can sleep in guest room. If you guys sneak around okay but until I see some level of commitment no sharing rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is in college. She is old enough to stay over her boyfriend’s house.

No way in hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No staying over at romantic interest place. Home by 9 pm. Sorry. Kid is still living in your house.

Sincere question - what is this about? 9 pm curfew for an adult? Do you sincerely not want them to come back at all while they are in college? I’m trying to wrap my mind around this thinking and I can’t. Yes, you are perfectly within your rights as a homeowner to say these are my rules. But why would you actually do that?

I totally understand your question and many parents will not agree with me. Here is my sincere answer. I had to walk a very fine balance as a South Asian immigrant mom to make sure that my kids were healthy, happy, successful etc. They are living in two cultures but the cultures needed to blend in a way that it worked for them and for us. Finally, we did not want our rules to have adverse effects on them. We wanted most of our rules to be palatable and advantageous for them, and we wanted them to recognize and embrace it.

None of my kids were allowed to date in HS. We did not feel that dating was age appropriate or something that was an essential that needed to be catered to. We found no value to people being sexually active or in relationships that early. In some ways it was a big relief for them because it gave them an opt out - "My parents won't allow it." However, they were having parties for friends at home, sleepovers, playdates, events etc through out their childhood and teenage years, so they had more socialization then most kids.

We were also there to keep an eye on them (no alcohol, smoking, bad behavior) in the guise of keeping them supplied with tons of hot appetizers and delicious food etc when they had friends over. In HS, they were in many EC activities that required travelling and I or DH always escorted them. Even when travelling, we made it a mini vacation to sneak in fun activities like dining in nice places, taking in the sights or a show etc, so that they enjoyed themselves and felt special. Yes, we treated their friends too because it allowed us to observe the friends and evaluate the company my kids kept unobtrusively. We did a bit of social engineering when we could. Made friends with the parents of the kids we liked also and we realized good parents raised good kids.

And yes, while there was no dating in HS, my kids were the social butterflies with organizing chops who were capable of organizing large groups of their friends to go for trips and attend all the school events - games, homecomings, theatre, prom, picnics, beach week etc, At home, for my kids there was a lot of open communication, always present and clued in parents, priority to education and ECs, lots of socializing across the two cultures, large network of family and friends, functional family life and a comfortable UMC lifestyle.

Part and parcel of their upbringing is having personal responsibility and respect for the house rules. That is true for all of us. Unless we are going for a party or event, we all are home by 9 pm. Usually we are home by 5-7 pm. If my AC are home (staying with us or visiting us) it is just normal to adhere to the family rules. For us, this is respectful towards everyone. It goes without saying that they need to be discreet about their adult relationships, and setting expectations in their romantic partners and friends about the ground rules from the get go. This also gives them some discipline in how to organize their time when they have obligations towards school, work, children, marriage, household etc.

It has worked well for my kids and for our family. My ACs are not really attracting people with very different values from themselves. The irresponsible partier who needs to be drunk in a bar every night, or someone who is ok with casual hookups and ONS, or someone who is doing poorly at college or work, or someone who does not have functional family and friends to introduce to my children - these kinds of people are steering far, far away from my children.

YMMV.

You seem very sincere and I think you actually believe all this, but, as it seems that you did not attend college in the US, I would just like to point out that, when I was in college, the kids that were raised like this were the ones that went absolutely wild the moment they were out of their parents’ view. Of course, their parents had no idea.

YMMV.

I actually attended college here and also worked to pay my way here. I have well understood how lost some of the kids are here. I also think that the kids who become lost cases in college, it really has a lot less to do with the college culture and a lot more to do with the family culture. I am very sure that overly controlling/restrictive parents and negligent/abusive parents - both produce kids who act in terrible ways once they are away from the control of their parents. There is abuse perpetuated by parents in both cases that is well hidden from the eyes of others. You may think that some people are "very good parents" and then marvel why their kids are so terrible. Let me assure yoy that these kids are products of parents who were very wrong for them. What I have seen is that when kids turned out bad or become failure, it is due to failure in parenting and upbringing. Unfortunately, any person can have sex and become a parent. Sucks for the kid who is born to bad parents.

With due respect, my family bonds and the values my kids have cannot be comprehended by you based on what you observed yourself or the life you have lived or your own family or the values you yourself have or what you have learned from your culture. So please don't mind if I say that your anecdata means nothing, The proof in the pudding is how well adjusted, moral, decent, healthy and successful your kids are. If they get an A+ kid, then you are an A+ parent for that kid.

And thankfully, my kids dated a lot of people in college and had very little drama or bad experience. Now they are dating good people who have the same values that they have and will probably end up marrying them. No one can predict the future and as parents we can never stop being vigilant and supportive of them, in every stage of their life. Parenting never ends.