Any rules when your college goer comes back home?

[Anonymous]

Hi parents, I grew up in South Asia where dating rules etc were a bit different. My college freshman has decided she is in 'love' with her first ever boyfriend of 2 months and who is long distance. She is getting much too intense which is scaring me--her coping skills are a work in progress. I am hoping for some guidance on 2 things--(1) Do you have curfews or any rules when your 18/19 year old is home on breaks? (2) what are some emotionally aware ways to tell her to take it slow, give him some space etc? She is starting to justify staying over his place at night this winter break. We know the parents through a high school connection but at a 'hi/hello' level. Thank you

[Anonymous]

staying over - I would not allow

[Anonymous]

They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

[Anonymous]

She’s an adult. You cannot control her or what she does outside of your home. You can set rules for your own home- such as no overnight guests. You can set expectations for communication- tell us by x times if you are not eating with us, tell us what time to expect you home so we don’t worry. You can set expectations for access to car. If you try to dictate what she does, she’ll just hide it from you.

[Anonymous]

No curfew but needs to be respectful of others in house.
No sleeping over at boys house. That’s totally obnoxious on her part and I had first serious boyfriend freshman year too and was sleeping with him but would never have asked. Reallly uncool position to put your parents in.

They can hang out late into night at each others homes. Lots can happen between them then. Sleeping over is a step too far. Sounds like she has boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No curfew but needs to be respectful of others in house.
No sleeping over at boys house. That’s totally obnoxious on her part and I had first serious boyfriend freshman year too and was sleeping with him but would never have asked. Reallly uncool position to put your parents in.

They can hang out late into night at each others homes. Lots can happen between them then. Sleeping over is a step too far. Sounds like she has boundary issues.

Completely agree with this.

No way would I allow her to sleep over at his house, nor have him overnight at mine.

As my parents gently told me some 35 years ago - our house is not a hotel. You are home on break to see us and your friends, to relax, and to regroup for next semester. We are overjoyed to have you here for 3 weeks, but there are expectations. Elaborate.

[Anonymous]

We have a very small house so I hear my college-freshman son coming in late and banging around in the bathroom. I told him he has to get on our sleep schedules because we are getting up, going to work and high school. Maybe I’ll soften up when we’re all on break. Oh, and he got a D in Chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No curfew but needs to be respectful of others in house.
No sleeping over at boys house. That’s totally obnoxious on her part and I had first serious boyfriend freshman year too and was sleeping with him but would never have asked. Reallly uncool position to put your parents in.

They can hang out late into night at each others homes. Lots can happen between them then. Sleeping over is a step too far. Sounds like she has boundary issues.

Completely agree with this.

No way would I allow her to sleep over at his house, nor have him overnight at mine.

As my parents gently told me some 35 years ago - our house is not a hotel. You are home on break to see us and your friends, to relax, and to regroup for next semester. We are overjoyed to have you here for 3 weeks, but there are expectations. Elaborate.

You’re not going to stop her from staying at his house if his parents invite her.

If he stays at your place, separate bedrooms and tell her separately no getting jiggy during the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

If they are adults, how come you impose your alcohol decision on them? I think you are inconsistent.

[Anonymous]

My DD is super nerdy and introverted. We are happy if she goes out. No rules, but she is respectful and always lets us know when she will be home.

[Anonymous]

OP
Your kid is not a kid they are an adult

No curfew that is absurd.

I would hope you raised a person who respects their family.

As for the BF make sure she knows everything about birth control, std's etc...Make sure she is educated period.

That's it. It is not your business how hot and heavy she gets over a boy. It is your job as a parent to make sure she understands the ramifications of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are young adults, not children. The rules we do have are house rules for every other adult family member, too. If you're staying here/living here, please let us know when you go out and when you'll be back. No drinking in the house. (We don't drink.) No smoking in the house. Please ask before you invite friends over. If you have friends over, you are responsible for cleaning up before and after the visit. Don't borrow other people's toiletries without permission; put it on the grocery list. No shoes in the house. Do the dishes if the sink is full. Take out the trash if the trashcan is full. No loud music/TV/video games after 10.

If they are adults, how come you impose your alcohol decision on them? I think you are inconsistent.

I don't allow any alcohol in the house. My parents and my cousins and my brothers don't bring alcohol in the house when they stay. It's a house rule for everyone.

The point is that I don't treat my young adult children differently that I treat other adult relatives.

[Anonymous]

Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

[Anonymous]

You decide. As your kid ages, you are still their parent. The job just changes.

Do what you think is best. Don’t crowdsource your parenting responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Important Rule: no defecating in the shower as is the custom at college.

You must be male. We’re you in a fraternity or in a football team?

(It is just a shame that you did not acquire even a modicum of breeding somewhere along the way)