Any rules when your college goer comes back home?
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Anonymous
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No “ rules” really, she’s a nice kid and we’re glad when she is able to come back and she is pretty considerate overall.
Re- partners sleeping over: of course the “my house my rules” thing is valid, but I do like to take the long view on this. If my adult kid is in a reasonably serious relationship I see no value in forbidding sleepovers. That is not going to prevent sex and just seems controlling and like it creates an environment a kid would not want to come home to. My dd had a fairly serious long distance relationship for awhile and it was quite nice when he stayed at our house, I didn’t micromanage who slept where. |
Anonymous
| She is in college. She is old enough to stay over her boyfriend’s house. |
Anonymous
Agree. This wouldn’t bother me at all. |
Anonymous
| No staying over at romantic interest place. Home by 9 pm. Sorry. Kid is still living in your house. |
Anonymous
That would be a no from me, as a mom. If my DD is still a part of our household (and not earning her own living), then I would have to draw the line at playing house with a boyfriend at that age. |
Anonymous
Wow. Do you think you're really doing your daughter a favor by having such low standards for her? |
Anonymous
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Yes - we have some basic rules.
1. We need to know where, in a general sense, DD will be at night. She does not have a 'curfew' and we will typically go to bed before she gets home - but we expect her to come home and if she is not sleeping at home she absolutely needs to let us know where she is staying. 2. When DD comes home at night, she should not be bringing anyone else into our house at all unless they are female and we know the individual and there is a 'good sense' reason for them to be in our home. 3. DD is expected to be responsible with any alcohol consumption (yes, DD is under age for drinking - but we don't have a 'no alcohol' policy - but we do ask that she is responsible about things). 4. While DD is welcome to have friends over, if she is inviting people that we don't know she needs to make efforts to introduce us. And our house is not available for large scale social events (I'm not a stiff - but i'm not interested in our home becoming the 'drinking' house). Other than that, it's just the same normal house rules as when she was at home...be tidy, wash all dishes, don't 'finish' stuff in the fridge without adding it to the grocery list, etc. |
Anonymous
Sincere question - what is this about? 9 pm curfew for an adult? Do you sincerely not want them to come back at all while they are in college? I’m trying to wrap my mind around this thinking and I can’t. Yes, you are perfectly within your rights as a homeowner to say these are my rules. But why would you actually do that? |
Anonymous
This!!! Makes sure she ( and the BF) are using birth control and condoms! Have a FRANK conversation with your young ADULT who need your support and guidance but also to be treated like she is in control because she now is. You can have all the rules you want but you only set up your young adult to want to stop coming home or sneak around you. If you aren’t comfortable with him sleeping over at your house that is perfectly fine, it is your house, but you can’t tell a young adult where she is allowed to sleep, so if she wants to stay over at his parents house that is up to her. Again, make sure she is well educated and using birth control and std protection!! |
Anonymous
It was a joke, idiot. |
Anonymous
I totally understand your question and many parents will not agree with me. Here is my sincere answer. I had to walk a very fine balance as a South Asian immigrant mom to make sure that my kids were healthy, happy, successful etc. They are living in two cultures but the cultures needed to blend in a way that it worked for them and for us. Finally, we did not want our rules to have adverse effects on them. We wanted most of our rules to be palatable and advantageous for them, and we wanted them to recognize and embrace it. None of my kids were allowed to date in HS. We did not feel that dating was age appropriate or something that was an essential that needed to be catered to. We found no value to people being sexually active or in relationships that early. In some ways it was a big relief for them because it gave them an opt out - "My parents won't allow it." However, they were having parties for friends at home, sleepovers, playdates, events etc through out their childhood and teenage years, so they had more socialization then most kids. We were also there to keep an eye on them (no alcohol, smoking, bad behavior) in the guise of keeping them supplied with tons of hot appetizers and delicious food etc when they had friends over. In HS, they were in many EC activities that required travelling and I or DH always escorted them. Even when travelling, we made it a mini vacation to sneak in fun activities like dining in nice places, taking in the sights or a show etc, so that they enjoyed themselves and felt special. Yes, we treated their friends too because it allowed us to observe the friends and evaluate the company my kids kept unobtrusively. We did a bit of social engineering when we could. Made friends with the parents of the kids we liked also and we realized good parents raised good kids. And yes, while there was no dating in HS, my kids were the social butterflies with organizing chops who were capable of organizing large groups of their friends to go for trips and attend all the school events - games, homecomings, theatre, prom, picnics, beach week etc, At home, for my kids there was a lot of open communication, always present and clued in parents, priority to education and ECs, lots of socializing across the two cultures, large network of family and friends, functional family life and a comfortable UMC lifestyle. Part and parcel of their upbringing is having personal responsibility and respect for the house rules. That is true for all of us. Unless we are going for a party or event, we all are home by 9 pm. Usually we are home by 5-7 pm. If my AC are home (staying with us or visiting us) it is just normal to adhere to the family rules. For us, this is respectful towards everyone. It goes without saying that they need to be discreet about their adult relationships, and setting expectations in their romantic partners and friends about the ground rules from the get go. This also gives them some discipline in how to organize their time when they have obligations towards school, work, children, marriage, household etc. It has worked well for my kids and for our family. My ACs are not really attracting people with very different values from themselves. The irresponsible partier who needs to be drunk in a bar every night, or someone who is ok with casual hookups and ONS, or someone who is doing poorly at college or work, or someone who does not have functional family and friends to introduce to my children - these kinds of people are steering far, far away from my children. YMMV. |
Anonymous
| We have basic rules/requests for my 19 yo. Tell us when you go out or invite someone over, as a courtesy. Give us a general idea of where you’ll be and when you’ll be home. Clean up after yourself. Be respectful of the rest of the family. They’re pretty much the same expectations DH and I have of one another as adults. |
Anonymous
Sorry I don’t need my 20 year old DD driving home late at night so I can pretend she is a virgin. |
Anonymous
Haha so true. This is a boyfriend that she is crazy about. Not a one night stand. |
Anonymous
DP. People who do this don't like their children (much less trust them) and don't want them to come home. I had friends with parents like this, and they did everything they could to avoid staying at home. |