Any rules when your college goer comes back home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is in college. She is old enough to stay over her boyfriend’s house.

No way in hell.

+1

Agreed 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No staying over at romantic interest place. Home by 9 pm. Sorry. Kid is still living in your house.

Sincere question - what is this about? 9 pm curfew for an adult? Do you sincerely not want them to come back at all while they are in college? I’m trying to wrap my mind around this thinking and I can’t. Yes, you are perfectly within your rights as a homeowner to say these are my rules. But why would you actually do that?

I totally understand your question and many parents will not agree with me. Here is my sincere answer. I had to walk a very fine balance as a South Asian immigrant mom to make sure that my kids were healthy, happy, successful etc. They are living in two cultures but the cultures needed to blend in a way that it worked for them and for us. Finally, we did not want our rules to have adverse effects on them. We wanted most of our rules to be palatable and advantageous for them, and we wanted them to recognize and embrace it.

None of my kids were allowed to date in HS. We did not feel that dating was age appropriate or something that was an essential that needed to be catered to. We found no value to people being sexually active or in relationships that early. In some ways it was a big relief for them because it gave them an opt out - "My parents won't allow it." However, they were having parties for friends at home, sleepovers, playdates, events etc through out their childhood and teenage years, so they had more socialization then most kids.

We were also there to keep an eye on them (no alcohol, smoking, bad behavior) in the guise of keeping them supplied with tons of hot appetizers and delicious food etc when they had friends over. In HS, they were in many EC activities that required travelling and I or DH always escorted them. Even when travelling, we made it a mini vacation to sneak in fun activities like dining in nice places, taking in the sights or a show etc, so that they enjoyed themselves and felt special. Yes, we treated their friends too because it allowed us to observe the friends and evaluate the company my kids kept unobtrusively. We did a bit of social engineering when we could. Made friends with the parents of the kids we liked also and we realized good parents raised good kids.

And yes, while there was no dating in HS, my kids were the social butterflies with organizing chops who were capable of organizing large groups of their friends to go for trips and attend all the school events - games, homecomings, theatre, prom, picnics, beach week etc, At home, for my kids there was a lot of open communication, always present and clued in parents, priority to education and ECs, lots of socializing across the two cultures, large network of family and friends, functional family life and a comfortable UMC lifestyle.

Part and parcel of their upbringing is having personal responsibility and respect for the house rules. That is true for all of us. Unless we are going for a party or event, we all are home by 9 pm. Usually we are home by 5-7 pm. If my AC are home (staying with us or visiting us) it is just normal to adhere to the family rules. For us, this is respectful towards everyone. It goes without saying that they need to be discreet about their adult relationships, and setting expectations in their romantic partners and friends about the ground rules from the get go. This also gives them some discipline in how to organize their time when they have obligations towards school, work, children, marriage, household etc.

It has worked well for my kids and for our family. My ACs are not really attracting people with very different values from themselves. The irresponsible partier who needs to be drunk in a bar every night, or someone who is ok with casual hookups and ONS, or someone who is doing poorly at college or work, or someone who does not have functional family and friends to introduce to my children - these kinds of people are steering far, far away from my children.

YMMV.

You seem very sincere and I think you actually believe all this, but, as it seems that you did not attend college in the US, I would just like to point out that, when I was in college, the kids that were raised like this were the ones that went absolutely wild the moment they were out of their parents’ view. Of course, their parents had no idea.

YMMV.

I actually attended college here and also worked to pay my way here. I have well understood how lost some of the kids are here. I also think that the kids who become lost cases in college, it really has a lot less to do with the college culture and a lot more to do with the family culture. I am very sure that overly controlling/restrictive parents and negligent/abusive parents - both produce kids who act in terrible ways once they are away from the control of their parents. There is abuse perpetuated by parents in both cases that is well hidden from the eyes of others. You may think that some people are "very good parents" and then marvel why their kids are so terrible. Let me assure yoy that these kids are products of parents who were very wrong for them. What I have seen is that when kids turned out bad or become failure, it is due to failure in parenting and upbringing. Unfortunately, any person can have sex and become a parent. Sucks for the kid who is born to bad parents.

With due respect, my family bonds and the values my kids have cannot be comprehended by you based on what you observed yourself or the life you have lived or your own family or the values you yourself have or what you have learned from your culture. So please don't mind if I say that your anecdata means nothing, The proof in the pudding is how well adjusted, moral, decent, healthy and successful your kids are. If they get an A+ kid, then you are an A+ parent for that kid.

And thankfully, my kids dated a lot of people in college and had very little drama or bad experience. Now they are dating good people who have the same values that they have and will probably end up marrying them. No one can predict the future and as parents we can never stop being vigilant and supportive of them, in every stage of their life. Parenting never ends.

In the same vein, OP, if your 18 yr old thinks that she can stay overnight with her BF in the BF's parent's house, the values you gave her are already terrible. That she can float that idea to you already says a lot about who she is. Maybe there is not much you can do because this conversation should not even happen if the kid had any decency or less sense of entitlement. Good luck to you. You will need it.