Why do people think introversion is an excuse to be rude?

[Anonymous]

I'm basically an introvert I don't see it as an excuse to be rude. If you smile at me, I smile back. If you speak to me, I will respond and make polite chit chat. Strangers would likely think I am an extrovert based on my ability to converse as a passerby.

Where you lose me -- and my introversion is revealed -- is in inviting me to things. I likely won't want to attend most things. Meeting for coffee one on one? Sounds great. Showing up to an event with 25 people to make chit chat with for an entire afternoon? Eh, no. I value my downtime, my quiet time after being blasted by neon all day, or all week. I will politely decline, and say "thanks" for the invitation.

It's nothing personal, and it depends on the event. I need quiet time to reenergize, to get lost in my thoughts, to go on a long walk alone and look at the trees. It's nothing personal, it's how I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We hosted my daughter’s 13 year old friend for a sleepover. I took them shopping and paid for everything. There was not one thank you or acknowledgement - to me or to my daughter. The girl is really silent, boring, and rude.

Aww, poor kid. If you child is friends with her, I'm assuming she isn't always "silent, boring." I judge you, an adult woman, to be immature and lacking in empathy if you are angry at this 13 year old for struggling to speak.

[Anonymous]

OP started an entire thread because someone didn't say good morning and now is insulting an entire group of people and thinks she's the epitome of social graces....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We hosted my daughter’s 13 year old friend for a sleepover. I took them shopping and paid for everything. There was not one thank you or acknowledgement - to me or to my daughter. The girl is really silent, boring, and rude.

If your question is AITA, the answer is yes, you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hosted my daughter’s 13 year old friend for a sleepover. I took them shopping and paid for everything. There was not one thank you or acknowledgement - to me or to my daughter. The girl is really silent, boring, and rude.

If your question is AITA, the answer is yes, you are.

Seriously. Gasp, a teenage girl was moody and not chatty with an adult? Call Fox 5, we’ve got breaking news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that American culture was built by and for extroverts, and that it can be exhausting. However, I’m a little annoyed when I see people point to their introversion as a reason to not participate, not be polite or even not to interact. It seems more like an excuse to act like a jerk than a legitimate characteristic, in some scenarios.

Agree OP. Skipping social work obligations is one thing, but not saying hello or good morning or acknowledging your coworkers is just plain RUDE.

I agree that refusing to just acknowledge people when you interact with them is rude, and I'm definitely an introvert (in that I don't love large group situations and get really easily drained by parties/gatherings where I need to make a lot of small talk with many people, like office holiday parties).

But I've never encountered someone who didn't greet people and blamed it on introversion. I've been told this is generational (I am mid-40s, on the cusp of Gen X and Millenial, and I have mostly encountered this from people younger than I am). I've been told by younger Millenials and Gen Zers that greeting coworkers or saying hello to your barista, bus driver, or other service individuals, or simply acknowledging the people you are waiting with at the bus stop or in a waiting room (not making small talk, but just smiling hello or saying "thanks, have a good one" when you get your coffee) is "old person behavior" because it is "unnecessary." A lot of the younger people I know who reject this kind of interaction consider it small talk, but I don't think it qualifies. To me, small talk is when you actually make conversation -- ask questions or offer observations or commentary about surface topics like the weather, traffic, what people do for a living, etc.

I think some people have this idea that NOTHING should be required of them socially. And they think these social niceties are just a burden. They don't understand that if you just put in this small amount of effort, you also benefit. It is nicer to live in a world where people acknowledge each other and occasionally smile at one another or wish each other well. It's a tiny thing that makes life significantly more worth living. It's not a burden, it's an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that American culture was built by and for extroverts, and that it can be exhausting. However, I’m a little annoyed when I see people point to their introversion as a reason to not participate, not be polite or even not to interact. It seems more like an excuse to act like a jerk than a legitimate characteristic, in some scenarios.

Agree OP. Skipping social work obligations is one thing, but not saying hello or good morning or acknowledging your coworkers is just plain RUDE.

I agree that refusing to just acknowledge people when you interact with them is rude, and I'm definitely an introvert (in that I don't love large group situations and get really easily drained by parties/gatherings where I need to make a lot of small talk with many people, like office holiday parties).

But I've never encountered someone who didn't greet people and blamed it on introversion. I've been told this is generational (I am mid-40s, on the cusp of Gen X and Millenial, and I have mostly encountered this from people younger than I am). I've been told by younger Millenials and Gen Zers that greeting coworkers or saying hello to your barista, bus driver, or other service individuals, or simply acknowledging the people you are waiting with at the bus stop or in a waiting room (not making small talk, but just smiling hello or saying "thanks, have a good one" when you get your coffee) is "old person behavior" because it is "unnecessary." A lot of the younger people I know who reject this kind of interaction consider it small talk, but I don't think it qualifies. To me, small talk is when you actually make conversation -- ask questions or offer observations or commentary about surface topics like the weather, traffic, what people do for a living, etc.

I think some people have this idea that NOTHING should be required of them socially. And they think these social niceties are just a burden. They don't understand that if you just put in this small amount of effort, you also benefit. It is nicer to live in a world where people acknowledge each other and occasionally smile at one another or wish each other well. It's a tiny thing that makes life significantly more worth living. It's not a burden, it's an opportunity.

+1

PP here. ITA. Unfortunately, some people think it is in an opportunity to show their lack of upbringing and lack of manners - which only reflects poorly on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hosted my daughter’s 13 year old friend for a sleepover. I took them shopping and paid for everything. There was not one thank you or acknowledgement - to me or to my daughter. The girl is really silent, boring, and rude.

If your question is AITA, the answer is yes, you are.

Seriously. Gasp, a teenage girl was moody and not chatty with an adult? Call Fox 5, we’ve got breaking news.

And this is where it starts. 13 is old enough to mumble a thank you and the kid’s parents should have taught her such.

[Anonymous]

I think the the distinction between introvert and extrovert is complete BS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the the distinction between introvert and extrovert is complete BS

Probably, but some people still use it as an excuse to be lazy and rude. It is not introversion, it is extreme anxiety and depression on their part - if they think that saying hello or whatever "exerts too much energy" - then, they have a serious mental problem.

My SIL is always about "what takes energy" - everything is taxing to her (everything) - it i a wonder she can tie her own shoes. Which wouldn't be so bad, if she would get some help, which she can more than afford. Instead, she inflicts her BS on other people. She is retired early after working part time from home (!!!!!!), empty nest, but still can't function. I'm not making light of it, just saying she really needs help - but the people she might ask about it (MIL) are in the same boat, along with denial, sadly.

They have been this way since I have known them, and it was really perplexing at first, but now it is just what we expect. All that matters is her, apparently. I had never known someone like that before, and it is really eye opening. I give their spouses TONS of credit. When people just seem to take and not give, and are also in denial, it is hard to have or want a relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the the distinction between introvert and extrovert is complete BS

Then how do you explain how, when my DH and I attend a party and talk to the same people and do the same things, he gets more and more enthusiastic about staying and talking more and more, and I start out enthusiastic but then get extremely tired and eventually hit a wall where I need to go home and be alone for a while? Neither of us is anti-social, but social situations tend to excite and energize him, whereas I find them more draining.

I also do way better than he does with small groups. When we host smaller dinner parties, I don't get drained in the same way that I do at a party and can talk to people all night. I still look forward to being alone when it's over, but it's way less urgent for me and I enjoy myself more. But while he enjoys himself, he tends to get more antsy at a gathering like this and will sometimes suggest going out after dinner because he finds himself wanting to be around more people.

We both have good social skills and enjoy other people, but we respond differently to different kinds of social interactions and we have different preferences in terms of how we like to socialize.

I think a lot of people just misuse the terms introvert/extrovert and use them as an excuse for poor social skills or anti-social behavior. But there absolutely are differences between introverts and extroverts in how they interact with others and how they feel about social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the the distinction between introvert and extrovert is complete BS

Then how do you explain how, when my DH and I attend a party and talk to the same people and do the same things, he gets more and more enthusiastic about staying and talking more and more, and I start out enthusiastic but then get extremely tired and eventually hit a wall where I need to go home and be alone for a while? Neither of us is anti-social, but social situations tend to excite and energize him, whereas I find them more draining.

I also do way better than he does with small groups. When we host smaller dinner parties, I don't get drained in the same way that I do at a party and can talk to people all night. I still look forward to being alone when it's over, but it's way less urgent for me and I enjoy myself more. But while he enjoys himself, he tends to get more antsy at a gathering like this and will sometimes suggest going out after dinner because he finds himself wanting to be around more people.

We both have good social skills and enjoy other people, but we respond differently to different kinds of social interactions and we have different preferences in terms of how we like to socialize.

I think a lot of people just misuse the terms introvert/extrovert and use them as an excuse for poor social skills or anti-social behavior. But there absolutely are differences between introverts and extroverts in how they interact with others and how they feel about social situations.

+1

BINGO.

[Anonymous]

so ... people are different. That's it. No need to classify people. No good comes from classifying people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the the distinction between introvert and extrovert is complete BS

Probably, but some people still use it as an excuse to be lazy and rude. It is not introversion, it is extreme anxiety and depression on their part - if they think that saying hello or whatever "exerts too much energy" - then, they have a serious mental problem.

My SIL is always about "what takes energy" - everything is taxing to her (everything) - it i a wonder she can tie her own shoes. Which wouldn't be so bad, if she would get some help, which she can more than afford. Instead, she inflicts her BS on other people. She is retired early after working part time from home (!!!!!!), empty nest, but still can't function. I'm not making light of it, just saying she really needs help - but the people she might ask about it (MIL) are in the same boat, along with denial, sadly.

They have been this way since I have known them, and it was really perplexing at first, but now it is just what we expect. All that matters is her, apparently. I had never known someone like that before, and it is really eye opening. I give their spouses TONS of credit. When people just seem to take and not give, and are also in denial, it is hard to have or want a relationship with them.

You sound extremely judgmental. Try to show more compassion to your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so ... people are different. That's it. No need to classify people. No good comes from classifying people.

Eh, even if you can prevent people from using a specific word like "introvert", humans are naturally assertive and will recognize their difference and then categorize themselves. Like if you could scrub the word "introvert" from our vocabulary, you'd just wind up with people saying stuff like "I'm one of those people who just doesn't enjoy cocktail parties." Or "yes, my husband and I prefer one-on-one or small group interactions to bigger social settings -- it's just how we're built." Using a term like introvert is easier.

The problem emerges because so many people don't know what words mean and misuse them. It's not just with introversion, either. There's a bunch of people who have diagnosed themselves with ADHD or personality disorders based on TikTok's, and people who have diagnosed with themselves with depression or anxiety based on Twitter and ads for medication for these conditions. Some (many even) of these people probably actually have these conditions, but because the process of diagnosis and identification as been so democratized that people just do it by themselves at home with somewhat limited information about these disorders, it's greatly expanded what people think of as "ADHD behaviors" or "depression symptoms" in the same way that people have greatly expanded what it means to be an introvert.

It's not the label that is the problem. It's the way we use it and the way it gets used as a get out of jail free card by people who just want an excuse for being rude or unpleasant. That doesn't mean we should eliminate the label, it means we should better educate people on what the labels mean. And maybe offer more and better resources to people than random TikTok influencers.