Would leaving my job to SAH be crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your substantial income to buy your way out of the chaos. You can afford an amazing nanny and housecleaning services. Find a nanny willing to help get dinner underway and take care of the kids laundry. You should be walking into a clean, calm household at the end of the day.

This. With your HHI, you should be able to outsource just about *everything*!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for confirming that it would indeed be crazy for me to leave the work force! I know I should try another job before just giving it all up to SAH, and I’m sure that’s what I’ll do. It’s just been a tough few months!

As for all the questions about why DH doesn’t stay home instead, we haven’t seriously discussed it. DH enjoys his job, while I am ambivalent about mine. It’s also unlikely that my income will remain as high as it is now for long. I’m a senior associate in big law, and I’m not gunning to make partner. As a result, it’s unlikely that the disparity in our incomes will be as large as it is now for much longer.

It sounds like it’s probably just time for me to look for a government job with more regular hours and less stress.

I was going to ask if you're biglaw.

"Government job" is not the solution nor are they easy jobs to get, especially without some demonstrated interest in the subject matter/public interest work.

Talk to some other senior associates and counsels at your firm who are also mothers. What are they doing? There are firms that will allow reduced hours (for reduced compensation) and, although you're basically off partner-track, the reduced hours are real.

What was your exit plan before kids?

Going from $600k to $150k would be a shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for confirming that it would indeed be crazy for me to leave the work force! I know I should try another job before just giving it all up to SAH, and I’m sure that’s what I’ll do. It’s just been a tough few months!

As for all the questions about why DH doesn’t stay home instead, we haven’t seriously discussed it. DH enjoys his job, while I am ambivalent about mine. It’s also unlikely that my income will remain as high as it is now for long. I’m a senior associate in big law, and I’m not gunning to make partner. As a result, it’s unlikely that the disparity in our incomes will be as large as it is now for much longer.

It sounds like it’s probably just time for me to look for a government job with more regular hours and less stress.

Not necessarily. See how long you can hang on to the "senior associate" or "senior attorney" or "of counsel" position rather than going part time or switching jobs. My title is something like "senior attorney". I've intentionally avoided partnership track. I try hard not to bill over my minimum (1500), but it happens some years. Every firm is different, but mine has let me hang on in this role for a long time now and I'm mostly happy with my career and have plenty of family time. Every year they start trying to push me toward partner and every year I put them off. I think I have a more balanced lifestyle than my friends who work in the government or in house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use your substantial income to buy your way out of the chaos. You can afford an amazing nanny and housecleaning services. Find a nanny willing to help get dinner underway and take care of the kids laundry. You should be walking into a clean, calm household at the end of the day.

This. With your HHI, you should be able to outsource just about *everything*!

+1 At the very least, try this out for 6 months or so to see if it helps at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I support staying home to have a less chaotic life, but not in your shoes. You make waaaaay too much to consider this.

There are plenty of stigmas with a DH staying home to include his self-esteem taking a hit so if he doesn't want to do it then don't push it.

In your case you need to outsource (nanny, cleaners, au pair, exc?) until you can get through this rough patch.

+1. Outsource just about everything you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't your DH offering to stay home? I legitimately don't understand.

You are cute. DH staying home is misery for everyone. SAHD are shunned by the SAHM groups, you can't have playdates because a SAHD and SAHM meeting up midday is SCANDELOUS, working dads assume you have a drinking problem or mental health issue which is why you aren't working, and even the kids notice your family is different. its better to be a family of two dads than have a SAHD with a working mom!

I’m a SAHM with SAHD friends. There are enough dads who stay home that it’s not weird.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice, but I am in the same position, with similar stats.

I made a similar thread on DCUM a year or more ago.

I haven’t left my job yet but plan to after the birth of my second baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like DH needs to stay home.

This is clearly the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I support staying home to have a less chaotic life, but not in your shoes. You make waaaaay too much to consider this.

There are plenty of stigmas with a DH staying home to include his self-esteem taking a hit so if he doesn't want to do it then don't push it.

In your case you need to outsource (nanny, cleaners, au pair, exc?) until you can get through this rough patch.

+1. Outsource just about everything you can.

Get substantial outside help. That is way too much $$ to give up. That is life changing amounts of money.

[Anonymous]

We did it. Dropped from $530 to $185. Also had significant savings, college covered, and a low mortgage, and planned on private schools. It was more than fine financially. No regrets. The life balance and living the way wen want live has been priceless to us. Now the single earner is back up over $800, so remember that single income is likely to grow too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I support staying home to have a less chaotic life, but not in your shoes. You make waaaaay too much to consider this.

There are plenty of stigmas with a DH staying home to include his self-esteem taking a hit so if he doesn't want to do it then don't push it.

In your case you need to outsource (nanny, cleaners, au pair, exc?) until you can get through this rough patch.

+1. Outsource just about everything you can.

Get substantial outside help. That is way too much $$ to give up. That is life changing amounts of money.

Money isn't everything. Time and lack of stress is also life changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I support staying home to have a less chaotic life, but not in your shoes. You make waaaaay too much to consider this.

There are plenty of stigmas with a DH staying home to include his self-esteem taking a hit so if he doesn't want to do it then don't push it.

In your case you need to outsource (nanny, cleaners, au pair, exc?) until you can get through this rough patch.

+1. Outsource just about everything you can.

Get substantial outside help. That is way too much $$ to give up. That is life changing amounts of money.

Money isn't everything. Time and lack of stress is also life changing.

True, but playing the devil's advocate here, if she can cut back on her hours at work and use her income to outsource everything (regular cleaners, chef-delivered meals, child care help), she may be less stressed and have more free time than if she becomes a SAHM. One of the best things that money can buy is help.

[Anonymous]

I’m a sahm and generally support most people doing it, but this is just too much money to leave on the table if DH will never make more. You can create total security for generations with that salary if you can keep it up. I would think bigger in terms of domestic help. A true housekeeper and top of the line agency nanny to start. I’m around $$ nannies all the time and there is a crème de la crème, usually from agencies.

[Anonymous]

We had this setup and hired two nannies/housekeepers for a couple years. It made our lives so peaceful. That said, I did eventually quit recently to take a break. That’s hard too. I got a lot of my identity from work and status and am not always happy at home, though I’m working on it. Ultimately, I may need to go back solely to have some sort of existence in the working world, even though we don’t need the income. It’s hard to go from one extreme to the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for confirming that it would indeed be crazy for me to leave the work force! I know I should try another job before just giving it all up to SAH, and I’m sure that’s what I’ll do. It’s just been a tough few months!

As for all the questions about why DH doesn’t stay home instead, we haven’t seriously discussed it. DH enjoys his job, while I am ambivalent about mine. It’s also unlikely that my income will remain as high as it is now for long. I’m a senior associate in big law, and I’m not gunning to make partner. As a result, it’s unlikely that the disparity in our incomes will be as large as it is now for much longer.

It sounds like it’s probably just time for me to look for a government job with more regular hours and less stress.

Not necessarily. See how long you can hang on to the "senior associate" or "senior attorney" or "of counsel" position rather than going part time or switching jobs. My title is something like "senior attorney". I've intentionally avoided partnership track. I try hard not to bill over my minimum (1500), but it happens some years. Every firm is different, but mine has let me hang on in this role for a long time now and I'm mostly happy with my career and have plenty of family time. Every year they start trying to push me toward partner and every year I put them off. I think I have a more balanced lifestyle than my friends who work in the government or in house.

This. So you know that you're not making partner. But law firms have a crazy shortage of manpower right now. Assuming you are providing some value to your firm (doing work that, if you left, there wouldn't be enough associates to handle) they need you as much or more than you need them. You stop working so much and stick to a 9-6 schedule, with checking in in the evenings. You bill ALL your time; no cutting down on your time because you're worried you spent too long on something. Drop all the dumb firm committees, "moms working group", diversity group, pro bono, blah blah. Start dialing stuff down now. When someone in management gives you feedback that they've noticed you're not pushing as hard, or that they don't think you'll make partner, that's when you start broaching the subject about some alternative track. Is there a partner you primarily work for that you can discuss your aspirations? Another women in your department you can seek for advice? Don't see the firm as doing you favors; they make a LOT of money off of you. See it as a tit for tat relationship. Because the minute they're getting less from you then you're getting from them, don't worry - you'll know. Because they'll fire you. As long as they haven't fired you, you are more important to them than vice versa.

If you quit, you will never get back to anywhere near this pay. The people who get good in house jobs and govt jobs were star performers in biglaw. The mediocre associates who were never really go getters.... if you leave the workforce, you'll end up in the admissions office in a law school or doing writing for Law 360 for like $70k a year when you go back. Sorry that's the reality. Better to find some way to keep your foot in the door - either at your firm or in another company. ANd as a lawyer, i always recommend being mindful of whatever job you take - how will it look on your resume? Remote? Part time? You don't have to list those on your resume. You can work 5 hours a week as an attorney and it shows up on a resume the same as an attorney working 60 hours a week. But title and company? Those matter. Focus on those while you think about taking a step down in responsibilities.