Would leaving my job to SAH be crazy?
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Anonymous
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After two months back at work from my second maternity leave, I am seriously considering leaving my job to SAH. I hate how much more chaotic and stressful our family life has been since I've been back at work. DH and I are stretched so thin. This just isn't what we want our life to be like.
I have a demanding job that I don't particularly enjoy, but I do like making money and contributing to the family finances. If I quit, our HHI drops significantly from around 600K to around 150K. That's obviously a huge hit and will require a major lifestyle adjustment. Other relevant circumstances - we don't have a mortgage, we have significant savings, and we plan to send our children to our neighborhood public school. I know I could leave my current job for something less demanding, and I will try to do that ASAP if I stay in the workforce. I just think a different job (even a true 9-5) wouldn't improve our family life that much. We'd still be dealing with the same chaotic two hours between leaving the office and bedtime that I feel like is at the root of our unhappiness with our current arrangement. If I change jobs, our HHI will likely be somewhere around 300K - maybe 400K. It is difficult to work part time in my field, and my best bet for doing that would be staying in my current job and trying to adjust my hours (although there's no guarantee that my employer would go for that). Would I be crazy to SAH? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like DH needs to stay home. |
Anonymous
In a word, yes. I know now is really hard, but you shouldn't actually be thinking about now when you ask this question. You should be thinking about 10-15 years from now. I assume you have a nanny. You should also have house cleaners and someone to take care of grocery shopping, cooking, kid meal prep (if necessary) and laundry. If you want to step back then make a plan - like a plan with 6 to 18 month implementation timeframe. Losing 50% of your income is no joke unless you are already living on less than 50% of what you bring in as a family. Sit down with your spouse and talk and make a plan. Talk to a financial advisor. You probably have ~22-25 more years of supporting or assisting your kids and then you have to have money for your retirement. You should not give up your breadwinner job without a solid plan. Also, know that if you do change jobs and take on more at home that it's likely that will be met with praise and gratitude - at first. Eventually it will be expected and it will be hard to ever revert back to more equal domestic roles if you decide to ramp back up at work in the future. |
Anonymous
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Why can't your DH make more money?
Can you just scale back on your current job for a while without actually taking a pay cut? Just say no more often and delegate more. That is what I've done for the past 8 years. I'm not on the track I could be, but I'm still technically full time and I've still got my foot in the door and can ramp up when I need/want to do so. |
Anonymous
| Going part-time might be an option, particularly if you propose it as a one- or two-year change. Then your HHI wouldn't take the same hit and you'd get some breathing room. |
Anonymous
| No. DH needs to consider staying home, not you. It’s too much money to give up. |
Anonymous
We have a similar dynamic. DW makes about $400k and I have steady gov job making $150k. Unfortunately in my field going private is NOT a big pay boost, the most I could MAYBE see is $200k with a much high risk of layoffs and much less vacation. I have applied to literally 100 jobs, but nothing paid nor indicated a path to higher pay. Upon research in my field (I'm nearly 40) I understand now we have high starting salaries which plateau early and hard. I could go back to school, but that would take 1-2 years and is hardly guaranteed, being a 40+ year old "new to the field" is hardly good career planning. |
Anonymous
If he makes $150K, it’s unlikely he can just jump to $500K like that. |
Anonymous
I agree. For us the tipping point in HHI was ~$200k, and that was 5 years ago. After that, we didn't have to worry about paying for our modest lifestyle. Even though you don't have a mortgage, my guess is you're used to living a lot more freely and luxuriously than we do. Your kids are also young and you don't know what kind of expenses are on the horizon. Honestly I think your best bet is to get a more flexible job for slightly less salary. You'll still be financially comfortable but you won't feel as stressed out. |
Anonymous
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I recommend looking for something less demanding. In your head, it won’t improve anything, but it reality, it will.
If you make so much money you’re probably in a very demanding field. That isn’t affecting just your time inside an office but also your mindset outside of your office. A lower level job will feel like a vacation. You won’t be running at the same speed. |
Anonymous
| Why isn't your DH offering to stay home? I legitimately don't understand. |
Anonymous
+1 I became a sahp which cut our HHI in half, but OP's situation would be income cut more than by half. I don't regret quitting even though it killed my career trajectory. Like OP, life was just too stressful, mostly for me. I did not feel I was being a good parent, wife or worker (though my manager told me even my half effort was more than most of my peers' full efforts). Or your DH should quite. Do you really think you can be happy living on $150K after living on $400K? When I quit, we moved to a much lcol, reduced our mortgage by more than half, cut out the daycare/nanny. We lived on $140K after we moved and I quit, and it was tight. We did have savings, but it was still really tight. No room for much extras. But this only lasted a year or so. |
Anonymous
You are cute. DH staying home is misery for everyone. SAHD are shunned by the SAHM groups, you can't have playdates because a SAHD and SAHM meeting up midday is SCANDELOUS, working dads assume you have a drinking problem or mental health issue which is why you aren't working, and even the kids notice your family is different. its better to be a family of two dads than have a SAHD with a working mom! |
Anonymous
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Try a new job for you before you quit.
Also, those two hours from 6-8 or so suck with young kids no matter who is working where. They just do. |
Anonymous
Wrong. I did it and loved it. |