Guy I’m about to break up with bought me an expensive gift

[Anonymous]

You are being cruel to him. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

The expensive gift may or may not be related to his bipolar. Either way, if you don’t see a future with him, break it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult son with bipolar. I get not being able to commit. But you really need to set some parameters and hard lines before Christmas. If you go into the holidays without this, you could be the start of a heavy duty spiral that destroys his life. That would be so unbelievably cruel and you could destroy his life for years to come. Bipolar is no joke.

This is not fair to her. She is not sure what she wants to do. She’s entitled to think about it to make sure.

No one is entitled to ruin anyone’s life. What I said is to be clear about boundaries and if you’re dating someone with mental illness but not sure of your intent, it is beyond cruel and dangerous not to set boundaries. And it’s in her interest too. If she sets into motion a spiral that results in his suicide, living with that would certainly have an adverse impact on her life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I should also note that I’m not 100 percent sure I’m going to break up with him. We talk multiple times a day, so I haven’t been able to break it off with him and I think he feels the same way.

It sounds like deep down you know he isn't the one for you but you lack the courage to break up with him at the moment.

The way you describe your feelings about him and his mental health issues does not sound like the makings of a succcessful long-term relationship. That's ok. What's not ok is stringing him along.

Please do not accept the gift. Don't even open it. And drum up the courage to let him go and find another relationship. It's not fair to him to stay in this.

[Anonymous]

So far, the reasons you offered for NOT breaking up with him are that you talk several times a day, he's sweet when not in the midst of a bipolar episode, and that he's going to visit your family at Xmas.

None of these are reasons to stay together. They seem like excuses to avoid breaking up with him.

I feel so badly for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult son with bipolar. I get not being able to commit. But you really need to set some parameters and hard lines before Christmas. If you go into the holidays without this, you could be the start of a heavy duty spiral that destroys his life. That would be so unbelievably cruel and you could destroy his life for years to come. Bipolar is no joke.

This is not fair to her. She is not sure what she wants to do. She’s entitled to think about it to make sure.

No one is entitled to ruin anyone’s life. What I said is to be clear about boundaries and if you’re dating someone with mental illness but not sure of your intent, it is beyond cruel and dangerous not to set boundaries. And it’s in her interest too. If she sets into motion a spiral that results in his suicide, living with that would certainly have an adverse impact on her life.

That is putting a lot of blame on her. And you are projecting. It is not her fault he has a mental illness. People are allowed to date, not be sure, and break up with people.

[Anonymous]

The GIFT is NOT the issue here. It's another distraction for you not to do what you know you should do.

You started this thread with this statement: "our relationship has been rocky due to his bipolar disorder and I think it’s soon time to go different directions."

But as soon as you got called out for being cruel by stringing him along, you then claimed you're not sure if you want to break up. That seems disingenous.

Please muster the courage to do the right thing. It seems he's more into you than you are into him. Gifts and family christmas visits are poor excuses for avoiding the truth in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

It is way more cruel to string someone along for 12 more days than it is to break up with him tomorrow. He’ll find other plans, he’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

You think he’s going to feel better when he realizes that you spent the holidays with him knowing you were going to break it off?

[Anonymous]

Given how much you seem to be using him, I’m surprised it bothers you to accept an expensive gift from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

Dear lord, you need to break up with him. If you are correct in your assessment of the situation, wanting to marry you + expensive jewelry purchase + spending Christmas with your family could very well mean he plans to propose to you in front of your family. If you wouldn’t say yes, you need to head this off now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

You think he’s going to feel better when he realizes that you spent the holidays with him knowing you were going to break it off?

DP. Or you think he's going to feel better that you stayed together and let him buy you an expensive gift out of pity because he had no other family?

From all of your posts, you've given the impression that you don't think the relationship is long-term. You are stringing him along just in case something makes you feel that it is worth it, but it's not because you love him or that you want what's best for him, only that you're trying to get the most bang for your buck out of this relationship or out of keeping the relationship going. And you're staying together because it makes you feel better. You're going to dump him, but you want to give him one last good Christmas out of charity and pity.

Stop trying to work out what will make YOU feel better and stop the charade. You aren't in love with him. You don't see a long term relationship with him. It is far less cruel to end it now than string him along just to give him a false sense of a good Christmas. If you break it off now, you can stop him from spending the money for the expensive gift that might not be returnable. Also, if you break it off now, you might ruin one Christmas. If you string him along and give him a false Christmas, he will resent you and it will ruin many future Christmases for him as a reminder of what you did to him.

[Anonymous]

Have a heart-to-heart. He knows things are rocky. He should not go into the holidays with you thinking things are peachy, or that there is a future. At the very least, he should know that you don’t see a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t break up with him before the holidays because he will be spending the holidays with my family, so that is not an option. He doesn’t have family living locally and wouldn’t have plans otherwise.

Dear lord, you need to break up with him. If you are correct in your assessment of the situation, wanting to marry you + expensive jewelry purchase + spending Christmas with your family could very well mean he plans to propose to you in front of your family. If you wouldn’t say yes, you need to head this off now.

THIS! Op, unless you are prepared to say yes, break up with him now.