Couples therapy and mandatory reporting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

I know. It is ridiculous. Kid was screaming inside, and parents aren't supposed to be able to do anything about it.

Well, it is pretty ridiculous that the only thing OP's DH thought to do about it was grab the kid hard enough to leave marks. It's a reflection of his limited capability to respond - it's actually scary that a grown man couldn't find any other way than to get physical. I can think of plenty of many other ways to respond that would have been appropriate.

Yes, it’s so exactly the same to be sitting at a keyboard contemplating ways to respond when you are not in the situation as it is to be the parent in the moment and in the presence of said screaming kid

Ah yes! This must be the first child that ever screamed in all human history that no one has ever thought of a way to respond without violence! If only there were literally entire books written about how to respond to children correctly…we could keep them in parenting sections of libraries and bookstores! We could have whole articles on positive parenting techniques taking up tons of the internet. But no this helpless man encountered the worlds first screaming child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CPS can do more traumatic damage to this kid in a week of foster care than this father will do for her entire childhood. This guy grabbed her once and was concerned enough about it to agree to go to family therapy. Much better to be with a father like that than roll the dice with strangers in foster care

Seriously, I'll try to find a link to cite later but the bottom line is that since mandated reporting laws rolled out nation wide, cps visits have increased exponentially but the number of reports that CPS has actually taken up as cases has stayed the same. I know this bc CPS showed up at my door the day after my then 5 yo son's neuropsych exam. Apparently at some point in the 4 hour interview with hundreds of questions he framed a single response in a concerning way and we needed to be checked on. I had absolutely no idea how vulnerable we were in that process but it has made me think twice about seeking professional help ever again. A therapist we later consulted for setting up a behavioral plan for our son told us that a big part of what she does is help parents process cps trauma.

OP, you know your husband best. If this was an incident with a particularly challenging child and you think your husband is seeking help in good faith then let the professional set you guys up for success so that he has a plan for how to respond in future situations. So much of the lack of self-control language thrown around here is really just a lack of planning ahead. If you can script this out going forward it's so much easier to implement self control. Obviously if things don't improve that's a different story but from what you've posted you're not there yet.

You’ve been warned, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

I know. It is ridiculous. Kid was screaming inside, and parents aren't supposed to be able to do anything about it.

Well, it is pretty ridiculous that the only thing OP's DH thought to do about it was grab the kid hard enough to leave marks. It's a reflection of his limited capability to respond - it's actually scary that a grown man couldn't find any other way than to get physical. I can think of plenty of many other ways to respond that would have been appropriate.

Yes, it’s so exactly the same to be sitting at a keyboard contemplating ways to respond when you are not in the situation as it is to be the parent in the moment and in the presence of said screaming kid

Ah yes! This must be the first child that ever screamed in all human history that no one has ever thought of a way to respond without violence! If only there were literally entire books written about how to respond to children correctly…we could keep them in parenting sections of libraries and bookstores! We could have whole articles on positive parenting techniques taking up tons of the internet. But no this helpless man encountered the worlds first screaming child.

Said the woman who has never ever lost her cool with a child. Cause that never ever happens with good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

+10000

I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.

Each state is different, but in DC and MD where I've been a mandated reporter, it's not legal to spank your kid, or otherwise physically discipline your kid (which is what this is about) in a way that leaves bruises.

A therapist or teacher or other professional could lose their career if something like this isn't reported.

[Anonymous]

Biggest concern is protecting the abuser?

[Anonymous]

Wow, there are a of delusional people here. How many times this has happened what the child did etc, is irrelevant. Parents should not be putting marks on their children. It’s abuse. And any therapist is required to report it. The child’s safety is paramount. End of story. If that OP’s concern, then I hope she doesn’t live to regret even more serious abuse than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

+10000

I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.

Each state is different, but in DC and MD where I've been a mandated reporter, it's not legal to spank your kid, or otherwise physically discipline your kid (which is what this is about) in a way that leaves bruises.

A therapist or teacher or other professional could lose their career if something like this isn't reported.

Since this was neither spanking nor bruises, doesn’t sound like that’s at issue here.

[Anonymous]

Another mandated reporter here, and I would report it. CPS can pursue or not, that's their job. I wouldn't put my license on the line by not doing my job and reporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biggest concern is protecting the abuser?

Uh no. It’s not ruining the parents life and destroying a family over what is likely a minor event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

I agree. What the husband did is bad, but not "reporting level" bad, in my opinion. If the therapist And if both parents are willing to try therapy, clearly they are doing something.

There is a specific subset of the USA, well-represented on DCUM, that makes no difference whatsoever between varying levels of harm. They are scandalized and seek to ostracize anyone who does the least shadow of anything.

It's not helpful in practice. You can seek to educate and train those who err in a small way, and report and punish those who err in a serious way. There is a gradient. It's not all black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest concern is protecting the abuser?

Uh no. It’s not ruining the parents life and destroying a family over what is likely a minor event.

CPS isn't going to ruin a parents life or destroy a family if the story is as told in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

+10000

I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.

Each state is different, but in DC and MD where I've been a mandated reporter, it's not legal to spank your kid, or otherwise physically discipline your kid (which is what this is about) in a way that leaves bruises.

A therapist or teacher or other professional could lose their career if something like this isn't reported.

Since this was neither spanking nor bruises, doesn’t sound like that’s at issue here.

Generally when people say there were "marks" they mean bruises. What other kind of marks from physical punishment (again, this is what this is) last long enough to be photographed?

[Anonymous]

This thread is insane to me. We are talking about grabbing a child . People are allowed to use belts on children repeatedly but they can’t grab a child and leave a so called mark .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest concern is protecting the abuser?

Uh no. It’s not ruining the parents life and destroying a family over what is likely a minor event.

Thanks, ass. I’m the PP whose father did this to her many times in her life and her parents hid it to “protect him.” I hope you realize that you will probably rot in hell for not realizing how damaging and wrong it is for an adult to act out in violence toward a child. It is never okay. Do not minimize it. That is messed up. I am guessing you have hit your kids and are trying to justify it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

I know. It is ridiculous. Kid was screaming inside, and parents aren't supposed to be able to do anything about it.

Well, it is pretty ridiculous that the only thing OP's DH thought to do about it was grab the kid hard enough to leave marks. It's a reflection of his limited capability to respond - it's actually scary that a grown man couldn't find any other way than to get physical. I can think of plenty of many other ways to respond that would have been appropriate.

Yes, it’s so exactly the same to be sitting at a keyboard contemplating ways to respond when you are not in the situation as it is to be the parent in the moment and in the presence of said screaming kid

Ah yes! This must be the first child that ever screamed in all human history that no one has ever thought of a way to respond without violence! If only there were literally entire books written about how to respond to children correctly…we could keep them in parenting sections of libraries and bookstores! We could have whole articles on positive parenting techniques taking up tons of the internet. But no this helpless man encountered the worlds first screaming child.

Said the woman who has never ever lost her cool with a child. Cause that never ever happens with good parents.

Losing your cool is yelling at your kids. Laying hands on them and leaving marks is out of bounds. And, per the OP, this is the latest incident of the DH's anger.

This is worse than if the DH were trying to get OP to shut up and grabbed her hard enough to leave marks. If OP were the target, no one would be minimizing this behavior.

Two of my 3 kids (now teens) have SNs. I know what it's like to be pushed to the limit. Neither my DH nor I have ever been physical with them. When we could have acted better, we've acknowledged it to our kids and apologized. OP continues to make poor choices as a mother. Her poor kids.