Inexpensive wedding gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

How much did they spend to be at the wedding?

OP here. It’s a local wedding so they have no travel expenses. They have family watching their kids so no expense there. We gave them $300 for their wedding over 10 years ago. Our wedding is no more fancy than theirs was. I wasn’t expecting to recoup dollar for dollar and I don’t view the wedding as a gift grab. It’s just that the amount they spent is what we have spent on a birthday present for their kid. We are closely related, but not “close” if that makes any sense. There was no falling out or anything like that. Just different interests and life circumstances. This gift makes me think they don’t want to keep up the charade.

Well I wouldn't go giving them some $300 anniversary or Christmas gift in the future if reciprocity is important to you, and that's fine. If that is backing off, fine. It's not a big deal if you want gift exchanges to not be one-sided. But if you enjoy giving gifts, picking out something they would like, etc., then do it for that reason, not with any other expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.

+1

I don’t think of weddings (birthdays, Christmases, other gift-giving occasions) on a quid pro quo basis. Maybe they thought you’d consider the actual gift, rather than its cost. Moreover, you don’t know all the details of their finances. Even if they can afford expenses you deem less important than yourself, they are allowed to have different priorities.

If you can afford $100/person, you would not appear to be poor either, but again, I don’t know your full finances. If you were counting on reselling your wedding gifts to pay for your wedding, maybe you should have economized a little to begin with. Otherwise, be grateful that somebody cared enough to buy a gift they thought (however erroneously) you’d like, bought it, took the time out of their day to get dressed up and come to celebrate your wedding (possibly with the added time and expense of travel - perhaps you factor any hotels, airfare, gas, parking, and/or rental cars into the equation before you compare).

In my family, receptions are just that. There’s cake, iced tea/coffee/punch, nuts, and mints. Occasionally, the couple might provide something extra like fruit or ice cream, but it’s not expected. There’s just enough time to say hi to everyone and then we go our separate ways. While it is a much simpler arrangement than the typical DC reception, it doesn’t lend itself to the type of mercenary judgement you’ve exhibited.

Interesting. What culture are you from?

Not PP, but it’s done this way outside of many larger cities in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every time you open your mouth, you paint yourself in a worse light.

How so?

[Anonymous]

Op, by your own admission you don’t even want these people at your wedding. Perhaps they feel the same way about you or can sense your disinterest when you are together. Why would they make a big show out of spending money on your gift? They know you don’t like them. Also attending weddings is expensive like someone above mentioned; new dress, gift, childcare, transportation, whatever. And it’s really creepy that you already analyzed if they paid for their babysitter etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, every time you open your mouth, you paint yourself in a worse light.

How so?

And herein lies the problem…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.

+1

I don’t think of weddings (birthdays, Christmases, other gift-giving occasions) on a quid pro quo basis. Maybe they thought you’d consider the actual gift, rather than its cost. Moreover, you don’t know all the details of their finances. Even if they can afford expenses you deem less important than yourself, they are allowed to have different priorities.

If you can afford $100/person, you would not appear to be poor either, but again, I don’t know your full finances. If you were counting on reselling your wedding gifts to pay for your wedding, maybe you should have economized a little to begin with. Otherwise, be grateful that somebody cared enough to buy a gift they thought (however erroneously) you’d like, bought it, took the time out of their day to get dressed up and come to celebrate your wedding (possibly with the added time and expense of travel - perhaps you factor any hotels, airfare, gas, parking, and/or rental cars into the equation before you compare).

In my family, receptions are just that. There’s cake, iced tea/coffee/punch, nuts, and mints. Occasionally, the couple might provide something extra like fruit or ice cream, but it’s not expected. There’s just enough time to say hi to everyone and then we go our separate ways. While it is a much simpler arrangement than the typical DC reception, it doesn’t lend itself to the type of mercenary judgement you’ve exhibited.

This sounds like every wedding I went to before moving out on my own as an adult. I think the main reason is that most of my parents friends and family were opposed, at least to some degree, to drinking (and maybe even some kinds of dancing) for religious reasons so there wasn't a ton else to do late into the night at a wedding, and most weren't well off enough to pay for a full dinner anyway. -White girl from California

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s an anonymous forum, I admit I would think less of someone who gave me a $40 gift too. I know I am prone to bean counting, and of course ‘know’ that the greatest gift is their presence but it still doesn’t feel good to have such a lowly amount.

I agree completely. And surely we can all agree that some sort of gift, at some point, is an insult/signal of their feelings. Like some cups from Dollar Tree? Sure sounds like whatever this gift was, it was leaning toward that category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, by your own admission you don’t even want these people at your wedding. Perhaps they feel the same way about you or can sense your disinterest when you are together. Why would they make a big show out of spending money on your gift? They know you don’t like them. Also attending weddings is expensive like someone above mentioned; new dress, gift, childcare, transportation, whatever. And it’s really creepy that you already analyzed if they paid for their babysitter etc.

OP is responding to our questions about cost to attend. I was among those who asked. Not creepy to know your guests are local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s an anonymous forum, I admit I would think less of someone who gave me a $40 gift too. I know I am prone to bean counting, and of course ‘know’ that the greatest gift is their presence but it still doesn’t feel good to have such a lowly amount.

I agree completely. And surely we can all agree that some sort of gift, at some point, is an insult/signal of their feelings. Like some cups from Dollar Tree? Sure sounds like whatever this gift was, it was leaning toward that category.

OP indicated she doesn’t actually like these people. So, why get bent out of shape over an obligatory invite? It’s childish. Reading what OP has to say, I’m wondering if she is a young bride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s an anonymous forum, I admit I would think less of someone who gave me a $40 gift too. I know I am prone to bean counting, and of course ‘know’ that the greatest gift is their presence but it still doesn’t feel good to have such a lowly amount.

I agree completely. And surely we can all agree that some sort of gift, at some point, is an insult/signal of their feelings. Like some cups from Dollar Tree? Sure sounds like whatever this gift was, it was leaning toward that category.

OP indicated she doesn’t actually like these people. So, why get bent out of shape over an obligatory invite? It’s childish. Reading what OP has to say, I’m wondering if she is a young bride.

I doubt it, since she dropped $300 on them 10 years ago for their wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

How much did they spend to be at the wedding?

OP here. It’s a local wedding so they have no travel expenses. They have family watching their kids so no expense there. We gave them $300 for their wedding over 10 years ago. Our wedding is no more fancy than theirs was. I wasn’t expecting to recoup dollar for dollar and I don’t view the wedding as a gift grab. It’s just that the amount they spent is what we have spent on a birthday present for their kid. We are closely related, but not “close” if that makes any sense. There was no falling out or anything like that. Just different interests and life circumstances. This gift makes me think they don’t want to keep up the charade.

How do you know how much their gift cost? Are you complaining because someone chose something from your registry — in the belief that they were picking something that you would actually like?

Seriously, I don’t know any of you, but since you view this as “a charade” — why exactly did you invite them to your wedding in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

There is no mandate that a $100 / person wedding means attendees must provide a gift of $100, $200, or any amount.

You don't sound like you place a high value on the relationship (meaning, these people are family, and family is important and not to be defined by a monetary amount).

But the really fun part is : How on earth would a guest have any idea what the wedding is going to cost? OP, do you tell them?

[Anonymous]

Depends on how old they are and what they have you for showers, engagement, and where they are from. I’ve seen people on this board say that a $50 wedding gift is plenty. I disagree, but maybe that’s common in certain areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s an anonymous forum, I admit I would think less of someone who gave me a $40 gift too. I know I am prone to bean counting, and of course ‘know’ that the greatest gift is their presence but it still doesn’t feel good to have such a lowly amount.

I agree completely. And surely we can all agree that some sort of gift, at some point, is an insult/signal of their feelings. Like some cups from Dollar Tree? Sure sounds like whatever this gift was, it was leaning toward that category.

OP indicated she doesn’t actually like these people. So, why get bent out of shape over an obligatory invite? It’s childish. Reading what OP has to say, I’m wondering if she is a young bride.

I doubt it, since she dropped $300 on them 10 years ago for their wedding.

Hold up… is this a second wedding?

[Anonymous]

$100/pp wedding sounds pretty cheap to me.