Inexpensive wedding gift
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future? |
Anonymous
| Clueless. People don't understand how expensive weddings are, a lot of people aren't taught proper etiquette or in their culture, weddings aren't equivalent to the cost per person. I'd not worry about it. Some very dear friends didn't give us anything at our wedding 12 years ago. I don't care. |
Anonymous
Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought. |
Anonymous
+1. I cringed when I read the OP. A wedding is not bartering: I give you a $100/pp meal, you give me a gift in kind…You are hosting an event. Do you leave out a tip jar at a dinner party you host so your guests can make up the difference between what their bottle of wine cost and what you spent on the meal? |
Anonymous
Are you this transactional with all your relationships? |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't think anything of it. |
Anonymous
| Beancounter. |
Anonymous
| They are low-class. They have shown you what they are. What you choose to do with this information is your business. |
Anonymous
+1 I don’t think of weddings (birthdays, Christmases, other gift-giving occasions) on a quid pro quo basis. Maybe they thought you’d consider the actual gift, rather than its cost. Moreover, you don’t know all the details of their finances. Even if they can afford expenses you deem less important than yourself, they are allowed to have different priorities. If you can afford $100/person, you would not appear to be poor either, but again, I don’t know your full finances. If you were counting on reselling your wedding gifts to pay for your wedding, maybe you should have economized a little to begin with. Otherwise, be grateful that somebody cared enough to buy a gift they thought (however erroneously) you’d like, bought it, took the time out of their day to get dressed up and come to celebrate your wedding (possibly with the added time and expense of travel - perhaps you factor any hotels, airfare, gas, parking, and/or rental cars into the equation before you compare). In my family, receptions are just that. There’s cake, iced tea/coffee/punch, nuts, and mints. Occasionally, the couple might provide something extra like fruit or ice cream, but it’s not expected. There’s just enough time to say hi to everyone and then we go our separate ways. While it is a much simpler arrangement than the typical DC reception, it doesn’t lend itself to the type of mercenary judgement you’ve exhibited. |
Anonymous
+2. OP sounds like they are down a bride/groomzilla path which is probably the result of having spent a bunch of time recently in the crazy wedding environment (which can be all-consuming). Time to re-enter society where your wedding is not the biggest deal. |
Anonymous
| If I throw a party (wedding, bar mitzvah, etc.), I throw the type of party I want. I do not expect my guests to supplement what I paid. I would rather have them come and enjoy themselves than worry about whether their gift is “enough.” As a pp said, you have no idea what other expenses your guests have and you have no idea what they can “afford.” If you were relying on gifts to pay for your wedding, you should have cutback. No one would have noticed or cared. |
Anonymous
|
A gift is not the same thing as a payment. Since I hope no one would inappropriately tell their guests how much they’re spending for their own wedding based on their own private decisions, there’s no way for the guests to know the price point per guest of any wedding. There’s also no obligation for any guest to supply a gift that meets the price point per guest determined by the couple.
I hope this is a misguided joke, but just in case it’s not, all the gift signifies is that the family members chose to give you a gift to celebrate your marriage. If this is not a joke, I hope the relatives truly enjoy the wedding — which they had no role in choosing— and consider backing off from any future relationships with you. You probably have other expensive life choices planned — and your relatives should not be burdened by your expectations. I’m curious though: What’s the menu? If these relatives are going to be forced to eat potentially unappealing menu options, arrange their own transportation, sit at a table with random guests of your choosing, and possibly purchase clothing that complies with your dress code PLUS a gift, maybe you should be reimbursing them for all the trouble they’ve gone through on your behalf - instead of choosing activities that they would be certain to enjoy. Congratulations on your wedding though. |
Anonymous
I love your description of your family receptions! I remember attending many lovely receptions like this when I was growing up — and I prefer this type of reception to the often stressful extravaganzas that many wedding receptions have become in more recent times. Now all I need is a source for the buttermints! |
Anonymous
|
Alright well even if PPs are all correct, and I suppose they are, it does send some sort of signal, I agree OP. A $40 gift is on the way low end of typical in my social circle.
Did you do something unusual like not serve dinner, have a backyard reception, put “monetary gifts preferred” on the invite? Did these people have kids who they had to spend $$$ on babysitters for to attend? Was it a destination wedding? Or for some other reason was it unusually expensive for them to attend? If there’s nothing like the above, I think they are in fact signaling they don’t value the relationship as much as you thought. I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
How much did they spend to be at the wedding? |