Inexpensive wedding gift

[Anonymous]

If you were going to be judging people for what they spent on a gift, you should have made that clear on the invitation. That would have let them make an informed, judgement about you. That's only fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

How much did they spend to be at the wedding?

OP here. It’s a local wedding so they have no travel expenses. They have family watching their kids so no expense there. We gave them $300 for their wedding over 10 years ago. Our wedding is no more fancy than theirs was. I wasn’t expecting to recoup dollar for dollar and I don’t view the wedding as a gift grab. It’s just that the amount they spent is what we have spent on a birthday present for their kid. We are closely related, but not “close” if that makes any sense. There was no falling out or anything like that. Just different interests and life circumstances. This gift makes me think they don’t want to keep up the charade.

[Anonymous]

You bean-counters need to grow up. You throw the wedding that you can afford WITHOUT expectations that you'll get back value in wedding gifts or cash. Your family and friends best gift to you should be their presence in witnessing your big day. If they choose to give a gift after that, you should be very gracious. And you should not hold it against them if they don't give you a gift or give you a gift that was less than what you spent on entertaining them. That isn't part of the social agreement. If you think it is, you have grossly misunderstood common etiquette.

If you can't afford to throw the party without getting back what you put into it in gifts or cash, then you spent beyond your budget. You don't get to dictate what other gift you and you most definitely should not be cutting them off or weaning away from your friendship or relationship if they didn't give you what you expect. Or maybe it would be better for them if someone so self-centered did cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

How much did they spend to be at the wedding?

OP here. It’s a local wedding so they have no travel expenses. They have family watching their kids so no expense there. We gave them $300 for their wedding over 10 years ago. Our wedding is no more fancy than theirs was. I wasn’t expecting to recoup dollar for dollar and I don’t view the wedding as a gift grab. It’s just that the amount they spent is what we have spent on a birthday present for their kid. We are closely related, but not “close” if that makes any sense. There was no falling out or anything like that. Just different interests and life circumstances. This gift makes me think they don’t want to keep up the charade.

So, you’ve essentially said your relationship is a charade. Move on to counting other beans…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You bean-counters need to grow up. You throw the wedding that you can afford WITHOUT expectations that you'll get back value in wedding gifts or cash. Your family and friends best gift to you should be their presence in witnessing your big day. If they choose to give a gift after that, you should be very gracious. And you should not hold it against them if they don't give you a gift or give you a gift that was less than what you spent on entertaining them. That isn't part of the social agreement. If you think it is, you have grossly misunderstood common etiquette.

If you can't afford to throw the party without getting back what you put into it in gifts or cash, then you spent beyond your budget. You don't get to dictate what other gift you and you most definitely should not be cutting them off or weaning away from your friendship or relationship if they didn't give you what you expect. Or maybe it would be better for them if someone so self-centered did cut them off.

I’m not relying on gifts to pay for the wedding. The wedding is well within our budget and we have a good income. It’s not even the money. You mention their gift should be their “presence in witnessing our big day”. Honestly, we would not even have invited them if not for obligation based on their familial relationship. Parents or grandparents would complain. Don’t know if they even really want to be there. This gift tells me they don’t. If this was a close friend and that’s all they had, I wouldn’t have even made the calculation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You bean-counters need to grow up. You throw the wedding that you can afford WITHOUT expectations that you'll get back value in wedding gifts or cash. Your family and friends best gift to you should be their presence in witnessing your big day. If they choose to give a gift after that, you should be very gracious. And you should not hold it against them if they don't give you a gift or give you a gift that was less than what you spent on entertaining them. That isn't part of the social agreement. If you think it is, you have grossly misunderstood common etiquette.

If you can't afford to throw the party without getting back what you put into it in gifts or cash, then you spent beyond your budget. You don't get to dictate what other gift you and you most definitely should not be cutting them off or weaning away from your friendship or relationship if they didn't give you what you expect. Or maybe it would be better for them if someone so self-centered did cut them off.

I’m not relying on gifts to pay for the wedding. The wedding is well within our budget and we have a good income. It’s not even the money. You mention their gift should be their “presence in witnessing our big day”. Honestly, we would not even have invited them if not for obligation based on their familial relationship. Parents or grandparents would complain. Don’t know if they even really want to be there. This gift tells me they don’t. If this was a close friend and that’s all they had, I wouldn’t have even made the calculation.

WTAF am I reading. The gift tells you “this is the gift they got you” literally nothing else. You don’t like them , you don’t hate spend time together but you are in no way justified in looking down at them for the gift. Gross

[Anonymous]

OP, every time you open your mouth, you paint yourself in a worse light.

[Anonymous]

If they gave OP $300, she would have complained that according to her inflation adjustment calculations she was owed more.

[Anonymous]

If you wanted to charge a fee, you should have been upfront. A gift is any amount of their choosing and maybe that was all they could afford or thought was appropriate. It's a nice gift. Be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You bean-counters need to grow up. You throw the wedding that you can afford WITHOUT expectations that you'll get back value in wedding gifts or cash. Your family and friends best gift to you should be their presence in witnessing your big day. If they choose to give a gift after that, you should be very gracious. And you should not hold it against them if they don't give you a gift or give you a gift that was less than what you spent on entertaining them. That isn't part of the social agreement. If you think it is, you have grossly misunderstood common etiquette.

If you can't afford to throw the party without getting back what you put into it in gifts or cash, then you spent beyond your budget. You don't get to dictate what other gift you and you most definitely should not be cutting them off or weaning away from your friendship or relationship if they didn't give you what you expect. Or maybe it would be better for them if someone so self-centered did cut them off.

I’m not relying on gifts to pay for the wedding. The wedding is well within our budget and we have a good income. It’s not even the money. You mention their gift should be their “presence in witnessing our big day”. Honestly, we would not even have invited them if not for obligation based on their familial relationship. Parents or grandparents would complain. Don’t know if they even really want to be there. This gift tells me they don’t. If this was a close friend and that’s all they had, I wouldn’t have even made the calculation.

Maybe that was all they could afford. You are greedy.

[Anonymous]

Since it’s an anonymous forum, I admit I would think less of someone who gave me a $40 gift too. I know I am prone to bean counting, and of course ‘know’ that the greatest gift is their presence but it still doesn’t feel good to have such a lowly amount.

[Anonymous]

Did they send a nice card with well wishes? Are they friendly in person? I don't think so much about the value of the gift. It's the thought that counts.

My husband's family is just not gift-oriented and mine is (only in terms of being thoughtful, not in spending a lot of money). His mom has four sisters who all came to our wedding and not a single one of them gave us a gift. I brought it up to my husband and he just shrugged. It seems "unloving" or something to me but I guess it's just a different family expectation. We are the same culture so there isn't that difference. His grandparents didn't even send so much as a card when we had our first child and I was certain we had offended them. Nope, gifts and cards are just not a thing they do.

[Anonymous]

I agree with clueless. Dh and I are from a major city, but DH went to college in a podunk town. His college friends, every single one of them, gave us $20/person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

There is no mandate that a $100 / person wedding means attendees must provide a gift of $100, $200, or any amount.

You don't sound like you place a high value on the relationship (meaning, these people are family, and family is important and not to be defined by a monetary amount).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?

Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.

+1

I don’t think of weddings (birthdays, Christmases, other gift-giving occasions) on a quid pro quo basis. Maybe they thought you’d consider the actual gift, rather than its cost. Moreover, you don’t know all the details of their finances. Even if they can afford expenses you deem less important than yourself, they are allowed to have different priorities.

If you can afford $100/person, you would not appear to be poor either, but again, I don’t know your full finances. If you were counting on reselling your wedding gifts to pay for your wedding, maybe you should have economized a little to begin with. Otherwise, be grateful that somebody cared enough to buy a gift they thought (however erroneously) you’d like, bought it, took the time out of their day to get dressed up and come to celebrate your wedding (possibly with the added time and expense of travel - perhaps you factor any hotels, airfare, gas, parking, and/or rental cars into the equation before you compare).

In my family, receptions are just that. There’s cake, iced tea/coffee/punch, nuts, and mints. Occasionally, the couple might provide something extra like fruit or ice cream, but it’s not expected. There’s just enough time to say hi to everyone and then we go our separate ways. While it is a much simpler arrangement than the typical DC reception, it doesn’t lend itself to the type of mercenary judgement you’ve exhibited.

Interesting. What culture are you from?