DD and her BF

[Anonymous]

Its a decision which needs serious weighing because it involves a decade worth of huge sacrifices and a whole lot of uncertainties.

[Anonymous]

He sounds mature/responsible.

You sound a little like you think of your daughter as a commodity, whose shelf life will expire. Like you want to position her well financially in the event they break up.

You do understand, right, that they could break up whether married or not and she would be the same age regardless.

Either way, as you said, it will be up to her.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in the same situation. BF is white, we are Asians. We have made it clear that we will not allow DD to move in with the BF. He has 3 years to get his act together. DD is also getting more advanced degrees in her field. They can get married, sign prenups, she can freeze her eggs. She has around 8 years before she should try for children. In the 5 years she can determine if she wants to have kids with her BF/ DH or not. She can divorce if he is not the right guy to be the father of her kids. No man can keep up the pretense for so long.
Life is too short. We have wealth that can support her and our grandkids. Her mistake was choosing a male who is culturally not geared to be a provider and a family man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds mature/responsible.

You sound a little like you think of your daughter as a commodity, whose shelf life will expire. Like you want to position her well financially in the event they break up.

You do understand, right, that they could break up whether married or not and she would be the same age regardless.

Either way, as you said, it will be up to her.

Imho any normal parent would feel concerned, it doesn't matter if they voice their concerns or not. He sounds selfishly focused on his own wants, not a really desirable trait for a partner or a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in the same situation. BF is white, we are Asians. We have made it clear that we will not allow DD to move in with the BF. He has 3 years to get his act together. DD is also getting more advanced degrees in her field. They can get married, sign prenups, she can freeze her eggs. She has around 8 years before she should try for children. In the 5 years she can determine if she wants to have kids with her BF/ DH or not. She can divorce if he is not the right guy to be the father of her kids. No man can keep up the pretense for so long.
Life is too short. We have wealth that can support her and our grandkids. Her mistake was choosing a male who is culturally not geared to be a provider and a family man.

You sound well intentioned but controlling. I've a feeling this is her way of revolting. Back off so she can make rational decisions.

[Anonymous]

Have kids by 30

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its a decision which needs serious weighing because it involves a decade worth of huge sacrifices and a whole lot of uncertainties.

I think you need to encourage her to live for herself - not him, and not their relationship. This is a lot of waiting around for someone who is not willing to commit.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when you give the milk for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in the same situation. BF is white, we are Asians. We have made it clear that we will not allow DD to move in with the BF. He has 3 years to get his act together. DD is also getting more advanced degrees in her field. They can get married, sign prenups, she can freeze her eggs. She has around 8 years before she should try for children. In the 5 years she can determine if she wants to have kids with her BF/ DH or not. She can divorce if he is not the right guy to be the father of her kids. No man can keep up the pretense for so long.
Life is too short. We have wealth that can support her and our grandkids. Her mistake was choosing a male who is culturally not geared to be a provider and a family man.

You sound well intentioned but controlling. I've a feeling this is her way of revolting. Back off so she can make rational decisions.

I do not think she is revolting. I think she feels shame for the fact that some things that her BF says does not make us see him in a good light. She tries to be understanding of his culture but him wanting to move in together has made her not very happy. We have been very accepting and understanding but she is feeling let down. Personally, I do not trust this man because he comes from an unhappy family who do not support their children in meaningful ways. If my daughter marries him, she does not get a supportive family from his side.

She has been raised in a family with both parents who are well educated, both worked and both worked towards a common goal. There was a lot of self-respect and pride. My DH respected me before marriage and 'put a ring on it' as soon as he got a job. He did not expect any handout from anybody and we both were able to struggle together and were happy with whatever we had. There was never any thought of not growing old together till the end of our time. Our children were welcome and celebrated when they were born. I have been treated like a queen by my husband. I have also been able to create strong ties between two families with his support. My DD has seen all of that. She is treated like a princess by her dad. And she wants a marriage like ours. I know that my DD will not accept someone who does not treat her very well. I just want to make sure that if she marries him, she is positioned to get out if it does not work out. That she is economically secure and that she is able to have children and a family. It can happen with this person, or it can happen with someone else. If it is fated that she will have a heartache, then there is not very much we can do.

My only prayer is that if a girl is supported and loved by her parents (especially her dad), she will not make a poor choice. Though the White culture is muddying the water because it is so individualistic and self-centered. In any case, my only condition is that she marries sooner rather than later but has her kids after some years of marriage. She needs to evaluate and decide if this person is worthy of being the father of her children. Else, she can do it on her own after divorcing this guy.

[Anonymous]

From what i've seen, all relationships are difficult, some less and some more. I trust my kids to make good decisions and don't want to decide who and when they pick as life partners.

As far as your daughter is concerned, hope this man can see her value and treasure it and you can respect her decision and give your non-judgmental support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when you give the milk for free.

It's not like expensive milk can't go sour. Love and respect has little to do with ring and wedding pics.

[Anonymous]

She needs to date older men

It works out better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to date older men

It works out better

You don't decide whom to fall in love with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understood the long dating -> long engagement -> long wait for children model.

Because it is a lot of fun to be childless in your 20s? I got married at 23, but I did not choose to have kids until I was 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in the same situation. BF is white, we are Asians. We have made it clear that we will not allow DD to move in with the BF. He has 3 years to get his act together. DD is also getting more advanced degrees in her field. They can get married, sign prenups, she can freeze her eggs. She has around 8 years before she should try for children. In the 5 years she can determine if she wants to have kids with her BF/ DH or not. She can divorce if he is not the right guy to be the father of her kids. No man can keep up the pretense for so long.
Life is too short. We have wealth that can support her and our grandkids. Her mistake was choosing a male who is culturally not geared to be a provider and a family man.

You raised her in a culture where women are independent, and have voices and freedom. That is not a bad thing.

Your mistake is not being happy that your daughter can make her own way in the world, and will only be with a man if he enhances her life. Not because she needs him to get by.