DD and her BF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood the long dating -> long engagement -> long wait for children model.

Well then you must be rich. It's often financially motivated to ensure the new family is on solid ground money-wise.

They are already a couple. What financial difference will it make in their life together if there is a wedding ring or not?

More certainty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to get to the "why" about this. If he fears that he won't be able to be fully present and support a family until he has an established practice, he's wrong. There is some struggle, of course, but that is part of life. She can help him understand that that is not the case and encourage him to talk to other dentists about their experience. There is no reason not to be married while in dental school.

Someone put this idea in his head (probably his parents). It needs to be corrected.

+1

[Anonymous]

With her having a good income, its much easier to do it whenever they want to get married.

[Anonymous]

What does your daughter want? They should get married before she moves and leaves her job for him. Also, waiting to have kids until 33+ is late, since more likely then not, that would be pushed back.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. With your updated information, the earliest he starts dental school, he will be 26. Then, graduate at 30. Then, residency until 32-34. That’s a lot of waiting for your DD.

[Anonymous]

What should a parent do in such situation? Advice or abstain?

[Anonymous]

I am the pp whose child went to med school. The biggest unknown is will this kid get ACCEPTED to dental school? Maybe he can’t commit to marriage until he has this first step in place. In addition, will he be acquiring big debt for school. For your DD, just be there to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp whose child went to med school. The biggest unknown is will this kid get ACCEPTED to dental school? Maybe he can’t commit to marriage until he has this first step in place. In addition, will he be acquiring big debt for school. For your DD, just be there to listen.

That's where the disconnect is. Two things can happen simultaneously. It wouldn't make sense if she was financially dependent on him but in their situation, they don't have to put life on hold.

[Anonymous]

I went to med school.
Would have liked to get married/have kids earlier, but it wasn’t financially feasible.
Almost all of my classmates got significant family support (money or grandparent babysitting), which is how they pulled off a wedding and children during residency.
My parents and my husbands parents wouldn’t help us financially (ie no money for a nanny or a wedding) because “you chose this path”.
Then they complained bitterly that they didn’t have a wedding to plan or grandchildren (I didn’t have kids until 38). On the other hand, we had the wedding we wanted and they don’t meddle in how we raise out kids, which is nice.

My guess is that the parents could help push this timeline up a bit if they could provide financial help. In fact, it might actually be a veiled ask for financial support.

[Anonymous]

When to get engaged, get married, start a family for a self supporting 24 year old is none of your business. You give opinions only if asked. I had babies at 28 and 30 in the DMV, and was treated like the nanny when I had them (“oh, you’re the mother? You look so young, how old were you when you had them?”). 33 seems very normal for the DMV.

Also, I think they will find there are practical and financial benefits to being married. Tax Statius. Shared the health insurance. Being next of kin in an emergency. I can see wanting to be self supporting before kids. And know where you are moving before marriage. Your DD might want to discuss the timing of the marriage and understand why it’s important to him to be a resident. Is it paying for a wedding (year u can speed that along by offering to pay) or not having time for a wedding (maybe they elope and have a reception at home at their convenience).

But mostly: your opinion and my opinion don’t matter for twenty somethings who are self supporting. Practice saying “I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happpy,” until you sound like you mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. With your updated information, the earliest he starts dental school, he will be 26. Then, graduate at 30. Then, residency until 32-34. That’s a lot of waiting for your DD.

DP, but he's making this timeline at 24. Things like "timelines" can change once you mature, grow and have real world experience. Did we think we knew it all at 24?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What should a parent do in such situation? Advice or abstain?

Reflect back. "Oh, so how do you feel about that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to med school.
Would have liked to get married/have kids earlier, but it wasn’t financially feasible.
Almost all of my classmates got significant family support (money or grandparent babysitting), which is how they pulled off a wedding and children during residency.
My parents and my husbands parents wouldn’t help us financially (ie no money for a nanny or a wedding) because “you chose this path”.
Then they complained bitterly that they didn’t have a wedding to plan or grandchildren (I didn’t have kids until 38). On the other hand, we had the wedding we wanted and they don’t meddle in how we raise out kids, which is nice.

My guess is that the parents could help push this timeline up a bit if they could provide financial help. In fact, it might actually be a veiled ask for financial support.

This. If you have to do it all yourself with little to no help, this is the timeline. If grandparents help with money and babysitting, then it's more doable to have kids while in any graduate program.

[Anonymous]

I mean 33 isn’t exactly old to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What should a parent do in such situation? Advice or abstain?

Reflect back. "Oh, so how do you feel about that?"

+1