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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Recently I've responded to posts on how to feel ok about spending holidays with only your own your small family. I do a lot of work to manage my feelings about it, let go of expectations, blah blah blah. We've had some recent success and created some warm, cozy times. I felt capable. For whatever reason, this year I am a big mess and can't take my own advice.

- ILs finally let us know they can't travel this year and haven't extended an invite (though we are welcome anytime), haven't made any effort to otherwise visit us and see their grandkids. They are lovely people when we see them but are terrible, flaky planners. They live very far away, retired, super active, great health, no financial difficulties. Totally fun, affectionate, and engaged when we're together but it's like out of sight, out of mind. Very focused on DH's sibling who lives close to them. It's a huge pain for us to travel there with three kids.

- My family is kind and loving but a disaster due to my drug-addicted sibling and codependent parents. That said, parents make big effort to be present for my kids, facetime, take turns visiting on random weekends, are acutely aware of the inequity and feel terrible about it. My parents said they would come to our house for Thanksgiving if ILs weren't going to visit. I told them at the beginning of the month ILs were out. My mom called me yesterday and said they now don't feel comfortable leaving home because my sibling's behavior has been erratic, "those poor kids" may not otherwise get a "real Thanksgiving." She hadn't confirmed sibling's plans, just wanted to be on call in case shit hits the fan. Basically unspoken that she suspects relapse. I feel like a little baby brat being mad at her, but it's a tale as old as time, and it never hurts any less.

So once again we are spending Thanksgiving just us, feeling like our kids are always playing second fiddle to the rest of the grandkids. Christmas will be similar. ILs will leave us hanging about their plans. My parents will either cancel plans, visit and be attached to their phone managing my sibling's crisis remotely, or there will be an underlying current of tragedy or stress we can't discuss. Yes I've posted about this before. I'm hoping someone has evolved in their experience and has some BTDT to share that will help me this time around. I'm so old and so tired, so done with telling my kids no one's coming to visit again (they all desperately love all the grandparents).
[/quote]

I get it OP. We are always last too. And it's not because of anything hard, bad, etc. The parents -all 4 sets- just prefer the holidays in their own home where most of the grandkids live. They won't even alternate. They won't come a few days before or after. This is so despite that they've all had their chance to have their own holidays in their own homes for decades. They had all their parents come to THEM for holidays once they had kids. They have the money, the health, the ability to come, even if it is once every other year. We are still working and the lack of flexibilities. They just won't do it..

It makes me super bitter. And makes me like them all a little bit less. But, as they get older, they are becoming less relevant b/c of their desire to not visit and not be involved (this is only one part of a pattern with them -all 4 sets). It is what it is. We just no longer make them a priority, either. [/quote]

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