Is moving an elderly parent into a care facility a form of 'betrayal'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your MIL ever said anything about her wishes? My MIL has said many (many) times that she does not want to go to a “home.” She wants to stay in her house. We are all aware of her desires (even my kids). Maybe her daughters are honoring her wishes?

My parents said same. They are currently broke, incontinent, can barely walk, etc. But both say they ‘won’t move’. For the ‘their wishes’ people, I hope you get to deal with this special kind of hell. It’s impractical and unsustainable, but ‘feeeeeeelllllsssss’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your MIL ever said anything about her wishes? My MIL has said many (many) times that she does not want to go to a “home.” She wants to stay in her house. We are all aware of her desires (even my kids). Maybe her daughters are honoring her wishes?

My parents said same. They are currently broke, incontinent, can barely walk, etc. But both say they ‘won’t move’. For the ‘their wishes’ people, I hope you get to deal with this special kind of hell. It’s impractical and unsustainable, but ‘feeeeeeelllllsssss’

Very sorry you are dealing with this. My MIL lives in a one story house and has sufficient resources to pay for in home care. My dad did not have the resources and ultimately had to go into a nursing home even though it wasn’t his preference. Getting old sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your MIL ever said anything about her wishes? My MIL has said many (many) times that she does not want to go to a “home.” She wants to stay in her house. We are all aware of her desires (even my kids). Maybe her daughters are honoring her wishes?

My parents said same. They are currently broke, incontinent, can barely walk, etc. But both say they ‘won’t move’. For the ‘their wishes’ people, I hope you get to deal with this special kind of hell. It’s impractical and unsustainable, but ‘feeeeeeelllllsssss’

Very sorry you are dealing with this. My MIL lives in a one story house and has sufficient resources to pay for in home care. My dad did not have the resources and ultimately had to go into a nursing home even though it wasn’t his preference. Getting old sucks.

Thank you and I’m at the point where I’m numb. They don’t live near family either

[Anonymous]

If you have the funds, put them in memory care, but also hire your own private aides to supplement.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

OP here. The caregivers hide the door keys from her. I think she would be able to open a standard lock, yes.
The caregivers doing the night shifts have to be super vigilant, that's when she gets all confused and anxious, and she starts looking for long deceased family members. And her falling down the stairs is also a serious risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

OP here. The caregivers hide the door keys from her. I think she would be able to open a standard lock, yes.
The caregivers doing the night shifts have to be super vigilant, that's when she gets all confused and anxious, and she starts looking for long deceased family members. And her falling down the stairs is also a serious risk.

Woah, so they are locking themselves, and her, inside with keyed locks? I would worry if there was a fire or other emergency and the caregiver was incapacitated. Locked down facilities like memory care units have special safeguards against this (locks automatically release due to loss of power or activation of sprinklers/smoke detectors.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

OP here. The caregivers hide the door keys from her. I think she would be able to open a standard lock, yes.
The caregivers doing the night shifts have to be super vigilant, that's when she gets all confused and anxious, and she starts looking for long deceased family members. And her falling down the stairs is also a serious risk.

Woah, so they are locking themselves, and her, inside with keyed locks? I would worry if there was a fire or other emergency and the caregiver was incapacitated. Locked down facilities like memory care units have special safeguards against this (locks automatically release due to loss of power or activation of sprinklers/smoke detectors.)

OP again. Yes, that's right. They are locking themselves and MIL inside with keyed locks. My husband has expressed his worry in case there is a fire or an emergency. It's one of a list of reasons he started touring specialist care facilities. SILs think everything is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

OP here. The caregivers hide the door keys from her. I think she would be able to open a standard lock, yes.
The caregivers doing the night shifts have to be super vigilant, that's when she gets all confused and anxious, and she starts looking for long deceased family members. And her falling down the stairs is also a serious risk.

Woah, so they are locking themselves, and her, inside with keyed locks? I would worry if there was a fire or other emergency and the caregiver was incapacitated. Locked down facilities like memory care units have special safeguards against this (locks automatically release due to loss of power or activation of sprinklers/smoke detectors.)

OP again. Yes, that's right. They are locking themselves and MIL inside with keyed locks. My husband has expressed his worry in case there is a fire or an emergency. It's one of a list of reasons he started touring specialist care facilities. SILs think everything is fine.

No. They should instaall alarms on the doors instead. The caregiver at night should be paid the awake rate not the sleeping r
rate and should be watching the client the whole night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is stupid to look at this from an emotional perspective.

What matters is:
1. The quality of care between the two settings. It will depend on the competence of the aides and the specific facility you're looking at.
2. The evolution of the dementia. Each stage requires different care.

This is OP here. I agree with this.

The system they have in place - private caregivers 24/7 at MIL's home is working well and MIL seems happy. So far so good, however ... my husband started touring a few specialist care facilities because he believes there will come a time where his mother cannot be taken care of at home anymore. He wants to gather the necessary information and be prepared in case of a serious crisis.

MIL's house has stairs and even if they moved her bed downstairs, the bathroom is still upstairs. Also, she seems to get increasingly confused and agitated at night. The aides now lock all doors or she would walk out in the street on her own, nor remembering where she lives (she has tried doing this).

This is where my DH and his siblings differ in opinion. His sisters are super close to their mom and are far more emotional. They really want her to live at home, no matter what. They fear she will deteriorate and die quicker in a care facility.

NP here
My mom started doing that (wandering out of the house) which is what prompted my Dad to find a memory care facility for her. Do the locks stop your mom? My mom was able to unlock standard home doors. She needed either a completely locked down facility, or eyes focused directly on her (not just someone in the house) 24/7--because she would wander in the middle of the night too.

It seems your husband's family is fortunate that so far they have had reliable coverage-there are many families that experience caregivers quitting with no notice, calling in sick, etc.

OP here. The caregivers hide the door keys from her. I think she would be able to open a standard lock, yes.
The caregivers doing the night shifts have to be super vigilant, that's when she gets all confused and anxious, and she starts looking for long deceased family members. And her falling down the stairs is also a serious risk.

Woah, so they are locking themselves, and her, inside with keyed locks? I would worry if there was a fire or other emergency and the caregiver was incapacitated. Locked down facilities like memory care units have special safeguards against this (locks automatically release due to loss of power or activation of sprinklers/smoke detectors.)

OP again. Yes, that's right. They are locking themselves and MIL inside with keyed locks. My husband has expressed his worry in case there is a fire or an emergency. It's one of a list of reasons he started touring specialist care facilities. SILs think everything is fine.

No. They should instaall alarms on the doors instead. The caregiver at night should be paid the awake rate not the sleeping r
rate and should be watching the client the whole night

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll mention it to my husband.
I think they must be paying the caregiver a sleeping rate. At night she's in her own bedroom, resting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving to a good care facility is often good because of the socializing.

If you are worried about how much attention she gets, hire additional help 1-2 a week to come in and bathe, change sheets, and do some laundry.

This is true. My grandmother lived on her own until she was 99. She was healthy, but slow. My Dad went by her apartment just about daily to bring her things and take her on errands, but she was very self sufficient. Then, when she wasn't, my Dad moved her into his house. That was a disaster. My grandmother was critical and upset at her routines being messed up and she needed help and was pretty surly about it. So he moved her to a nearby Sunrise a few months later. She immediately perked up because she had to interact with more people daily. She was still pretty surly, but it worked well. She died a few months after turning 100, while she slept, which was exactly what she wanted. It was a good ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a betrayal to pretend you can care for her as well as a care facility.

If you spend significant time in these places you will see that they don't provide nearly the level of care that you think. Memory care units seem to get all the caretakers and those people are watched 24/7 in secure floor(s) but at the expense of the rest of the residents. The rest of the floors are assigned significantly less staff. I have also sen staff avoid more difficult residents b/c they don't want to deal with them. So just go into it with your eyes open. It's a difficult situation for everyone involved.

I’ve unfortunately spent significant time responding to homes where home care givers don’t understand how their care or lack there of causes UTIs, bed soars, falls, etc.

[Anonymous]

‘won’t move’ , ‘their wishes’ mean little

It would be like a middle schooler stating where they will attend college. Until you are experiencing the stage of life, living it, you do not know.

The trouble with this entire discussion is -- only the specifics matter. A "horrible" story can be told on either side.