Is moving an elderly parent into a care facility a form of 'betrayal'?

[Anonymous]

Betrayal? No, because some people are delusional about what aging looks like and how they will age. Some people are downright selfish in what they expect their adult children to endure for years and years. Too often the ones who live a long time in a state of dementia and illness leave a legacy of siblings who now hate eachother, illness in the person who endured the most and resentment. I think it's a betrayal to not be realistic about aging to bury one's head in the sand and expect everyone to upend their lives and make you more of a priority than their own children and spouse. I might have said something different a few years into this. After enough years I am so over the entitlement and delusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal? No, because some people are delusional about what aging looks like and how they will age. Some people are downright selfish in what they expect their adult children to endure for years and years. Too often the ones who live a long time in a state of dementia and illness leave a legacy of siblings who now hate eachother, illness in the person who endured the most and resentment. I think it's a betrayal to not be realistic about aging to bury one's head in the sand and expect everyone to upend their lives and make you more of a priority than their own children and spouse. I might have said something different a few years into this. After enough years I am so over the entitlement and delusion.

I think may people expect aging to look like an AARP commercial- having fun, dancing smiling, traveling, being with grandkids, playing bingo with their friends. And this will so on until their 80's-90's until they clutch their heart and keel over. Of course you'd want to live in your home and age in place if that was going to be the last decades of your life. They are in denial about what growing old is really like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal? No, because some people are delusional about what aging looks like and how they will age. Some people are downright selfish in what they expect their adult children to endure for years and years. Too often the ones who live a long time in a state of dementia and illness leave a legacy of siblings who now hate eachother, illness in the person who endured the most and resentment. I think it's a betrayal to not be realistic about aging to bury one's head in the sand and expect everyone to upend their lives and make you more of a priority than their own children and spouse. I might have said something different a few years into this. After enough years I am so over the entitlement and delusion.

MIL is not a selfish person and she has never demanded or expected anything from her family. She likes having her children around her and she once joked that they were going to have to 'wrap her in cotton wool'.

She is very fortunate hat she has enough funds to pay for private caregivers 24/7, 365 days a year, and she has sufficient funds to continue to pay for all of this for another few years.
MIL and her adult children (one of whom is my spouse) are all happy with the quality of care she is receiving.

She is mostly good natured and content, but she gets anxious at night (sundowning) and there are signs that her cognitive abilities are declining further. They'll have to wait and see how her illness develops.
My husband's siblings think it's vital she stays in her own home. DH agrees she should stay at home, but only up to the point where even her experienced caregivers can no longer cope, or when she becomes a danger to herself or to others..

[Anonymous]

With the right in home care, there really is not a point at which she will be a danger. She’s safer in her own home and will decline less quickly in familiar surroundings. You can put in a hospital bed, locks, etc. my I fled with Alzheimer’s stayed in his own home until his death, with 24/7 nursing care. If she can afford it, that is 100% the way to go. There is a ton of abuse and neglect in nursing homes especially in memory care units. I’m with your SILs here. If she didn’t have sufficient money, it would be a different story and I’d recommend finding one close enough to do regular visits.

For myself, I’ll stay in my house or in an independent living over 55 community as long as I can, then will down a bottle of pills and leave a nice note for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal? No, because some people are delusional about what aging looks like and how they will age. Some people are downright selfish in what they expect their adult children to endure for years and years. Too often the ones who live a long time in a state of dementia and illness leave a legacy of siblings who now hate eachother, illness in the person who endured the most and resentment. I think it's a betrayal to not be realistic about aging to bury one's head in the sand and expect everyone to upend their lives and make you more of a priority than their own children and spouse. I might have said something different a few years into this. After enough years I am so over the entitlement and delusion.

MIL is not a selfish person and she has never demanded or expected anything from her family. She likes having her children around her and she once joked that they were going to have to 'wrap her in cotton wool'.

She is very fortunate hat she has enough funds to pay for private caregivers 24/7, 365 days a year, and she has sufficient funds to continue to pay for all of this for another few years.
MIL and her adult children (one of whom is my spouse) are all happy with the quality of care she is receiving.

She is mostly good natured and content, but she gets anxious at night (sundowning) and there are signs that her cognitive abilities are declining further. They'll have to wait and see how her illness develops.
My husband's siblings think it's vital she stays in her own home. DH agrees she should stay at home, but only up to the point where even her experienced caregivers can no longer cope, or when she becomes a danger to herself or to others..

When you wait this long the options are few if any. Most places don't want someone so challenging that caregivers can't cope or who is a major liability unless you hire 24-7 care at the facility. Many people wait too long. It's better to get in when the person is in OK shape and work as a team with them and check on things often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the right in home care, there really is not a point at which she will be a danger. She’s safer in her own home and will decline less quickly in familiar surroundings. You can put in a hospital bed, locks, etc. my I fled with Alzheimer’s stayed in his own home until his death, with 24/7 nursing care. If she can afford it, that is 100% the way to go. There is a ton of abuse and neglect in nursing homes especially in memory care units. I’m with your SILs here. If she didn’t have sufficient money, it would be a different story and I’d recommend finding one close enough to do regular visits.

For myself, I’ll stay in my house or in an independent living over 55 community as long as I can, then will down a bottle of pills and leave a nice note for my kids.

Yes, there is. Been there. I have no idea what the home looks like, but usually they are not safer in their own home past a point even with renos.