Is moving an elderly parent into a care facility a form of 'betrayal'?

[Anonymous]

Op, if she has aides at home, there’s no way moving into a care facility will be better for her.

As a dementia patient, she would be placed in a memory care ward, which is basically a prison. She would not receive as good care as she does at home and would most likely due to to a medical error or COVID.

If it’s financially possible, it’s better to keep her at home. Many people cannot afford it. They can’t afford aides and they can’t afford to do it themselves because they have to work outside the home. People who can afford it should let their parents stay home.

[Anonymous]

I know people who are part of a round the clock care team that also involves nurses and has doctor's available, in addition to aides. Anybody who has enough money can spend their final years at home this way. I suppose some medical conditions might require hospitalization but that could likely be temporary.

My own mother died at home at 90. We had no desire to have her anywhere but home with us. She also had expressed a desire to not go to a hospital so we also avoided that. Hospice will send nurses and doctors to the home.

If either the mother or the OP's husband's sisters believe it is best or simply desire to age and be cared for and die at home then I can see where the sisters would consider it a betrayal if OP's husband tried to change the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can think differently. Op, not sure why you chose such a vile title for this thread.

OP here. It wasn't meant to sound vile. I didn't know how else to describe it. DH's siblings would really see it as betrayal.

If they are doing the work and you are not, they have every right to feel that way. Instead of posting on here, help out a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if she has aides at home, there’s no way moving into a care facility will be better for her.

As a dementia patient, she would be placed in a memory care ward, which is basically a prison. She would not receive as good care as she does at home and would most likely due to to a medical error or COVID.

If it’s financially possible, it’s better to keep her at home. Many people cannot afford it. They can’t afford aides and they can’t afford to do it themselves because they have to work outside the home. People who can afford it should let their parents stay home.

x1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

A lot of your points are true in facilities too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

My parents have caregivers at home and much of this is true. But it’s better than nursing homes. Nursing homes have labor shortages too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

We switched my mom from caregivers at home to assisted living. It was a rough transition but now I am glad we switched her for the reasons above. The place where my mom is has good staffing and we have had other family members there so we feel like have a pretty good sense of the quality. We pay for someone to come by a few days a week to take her out for a walk and be our eyes and ears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home.

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

We switched my mom from caregivers at home to assisted living. It was a rough transition but now I am glad we switched her for the reasons above. The place where my mom is has good staffing and we have had other family members there so we feel like have a pretty good sense of the quality. We pay for someone to come by a few days a week to take her out for a walk and be our eyes and ears.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

The job doesn’t really suck, I’ve been doing it for 8 years so I think I have an informed opinion. Yeah the job can be challenging depending on the temperament of the patient and the dynamics of the family (if the caregiver has to deal with family, and we usually do), but it is mostly rewarding work that feeds the caregiving personalities that are often drawn to it.

The pay really sucks. The lack of benefits of any kinds in most cases really sucks. The lack of appreciation from much of society really sucks - like all traditionally women’s work caregiving is considered by many to be a job for lesser thans.

But the job itself doesn’t suck unless you aren’t at all well suited to it. I personally love caring for people and especially elderly hospice status as I’m bringing some peace and compassion to a person at a difficult stage of life and easing their burden. The rewards of such work have immediacy that many jobs don’t.

[Anonymous]

Bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if she has aides at home, there’s no way moving into a care facility will be better for her.

As a dementia patient, she would be placed in a memory care ward, which is basically a prison. She would not receive as good care as she does at home and would most likely due to to a medical error or COVID.

If it’s financially possible, it’s better to keep her at home. Many people cannot afford it. They can’t afford aides and they can’t afford to do it themselves because they have to work outside the home. People who can afford it should let their parents stay home.

I don’t necessarily agree with this. Some of us have male relatives who have had dementia. Many times men get violent and aggressive during advanced stages. It can be better and safer for the dementia patient. It’s incredibly hard to completely elderly proof a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.

The job doesn’t really suck, I’ve been doing it for 8 years so I think I have an informed opinion. Yeah the job can be challenging depending on the temperament of the patient and the dynamics of the family (if the caregiver has to deal with family, and we usually do), but it is mostly rewarding work that feeds the caregiving personalities that are often drawn to it.

The pay really sucks. The lack of benefits of any kinds in most cases really sucks. The lack of appreciation from much of society really sucks - like all traditionally women’s work caregiving is considered by many to be a job for lesser thans.

But the job itself doesn’t suck unless you aren’t at all well suited to it. I personally love caring for people and especially elderly hospice status as I’m bringing some peace and compassion to a person at a difficult stage of life and easing their burden. The rewards of such work have immediacy that many jobs don’t.

The companies that run these places SUCK. They are traded soon the NYSE and are FOR PROFIT - that is the problem. Lots of good people work in this facilities but the companies pay them poorly and often they are understaffed or they are staffed with people that meet minimum qualifications and receive little training. It's a travesty what goes on in these places and there is very little governmental oversight or regulation.

[Anonymous]

It’s a betrayal to pretend you can care for her as well as a care facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a betrayal to pretend you can care for her as well as a care facility.

If you spend significant time in these places you will see that they don't provide nearly the level of care that you think. Memory care units seem to get all the caretakers and those people are watched 24/7 in secure floor(s) but at the expense of the rest of the residents. The rest of the floors are assigned significantly less staff. I have also sen staff avoid more difficult residents b/c they don't want to deal with them. So just go into it with your eyes open. It's a difficult situation for everyone involved.