In your opinion, do most parents love their children more than themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people don’t love themselves all that much. That’s too bad.

Most people love their kids unconditionally, even when they being jerks.

Most people love their spouses conditionally and don’t take into consideration that their marriage will continue long after the kids leave the house.

And Yes, most female identifying parents put their own needs and desires second to the needs and desires of their children. Male identifying parents do it to, but with less frequency or amount of sacrifice. Is this done out of love? Sometimes. But sometimes it’s guilt, adhering to societal expectations, or convenience / expediency.

Do I love my children more than myself? No. I don’t think I do. Do I give up time I’d rather be napping or working on hobbies to do things they enjoy? Yes. Because it benefits me to raise happy, well adjusted future adults. Do I sometimes give my 5 yr old the last donut even though I wanted it? Yes, but not because I love him more than myself, but because I value the peace of not arguing more than than enjoyment of the pastry.

Agree.

I also think that as children grow into adults then the lack of love for oneself starts to manifest as narcissism.

[Anonymous]

I don’t love myself. I love my kids. So it’s an easy answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people don’t love themselves all that much. That’s too bad.

Most people love their kids unconditionally, even when they being jerks.

Most people love their spouses conditionally and don’t take into consideration that their marriage will continue long after the kids leave the house.

And Yes, most female identifying parents put their own needs and desires second to the needs and desires of their children. Male identifying parents do it to, but with less frequency or amount of sacrifice. Is this done out of love? Sometimes. But sometimes it’s guilt, adhering to societal expectations, or convenience / expediency.

Do I love my children more than myself? No. I don’t think I do. Do I give up time I’d rather be napping or working on hobbies to do things they enjoy? Yes. Because it benefits me to raise happy, well adjusted future adults. Do I sometimes give my 5 yr old the last donut even though I wanted it? Yes, but not because I love him more than myself, but because I value the peace of not arguing more than than enjoyment of the pastry.

Agree.

I also think that as children grow into adults then the lack of love for oneself starts to manifest as narcissism.

Can you explain this narcissism observation further?

[Anonymous]

No. I love Dh more. Kids always ask me which is my favorite kid- Dh of course! I love my children so much though.

I think that in order to love others, you need to love yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

[Anonymous]

Most? I don’t think so, no. There are a great many emotionally immature parents out there, some of them on the very narcissistic end of the spectrum and those parents don’t really have capacity to love their children at all, much less more than themselves. In the case of narcissists they don’t really love themselves, either.

It’s a lovely thing we very much want to believe in, this notion of unconditional parental love and/or an innate selflessness that happens in people who become parents. But look around you - the world is burgeoning with very seriously messed up people and a very great many of them suffered the psychological wounds in early childhood which made them damaged and left them struggling in later life - in work, in relationships, in the ability to self love and engage in self care. The ACEs score system has firmly established the link between childhood traumas and lifelong struggle with psychological and physical health problems.

Do most parents *say* they love their children more than themselves? Sure. But actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most? I don’t think so, no. There are a great many emotionally immature parents out there, some of them on the very narcissistic end of the spectrum and those parents don’t really have capacity to love their children at all, much less more than themselves. In the case of narcissists they don’t really love themselves, either.

It’s a lovely thing we very much want to believe in, this notion of unconditional parental love and/or an innate selflessness that happens in people who become parents. But look around you - the world is burgeoning with very seriously messed up people and a very great many of them suffered the psychological wounds in early childhood which made them damaged and left them struggling in later life - in work, in relationships, in the ability to self love and engage in self care. The ACEs score system has firmly established the link between childhood traumas and lifelong struggle with psychological and physical health problems.

Do most parents *say* they love their children more than themselves? Sure. But actions speak louder than words.

I don’t think you should love your kids more than yourselves. I think to raise well adjusted kids they need to see parents that love themselves and each other. Loving yourself and putting yourself first is NOT a childhood trauma. I’m a wonderful mother who is always thinking of my kids and putting their interests first. It’s healthy to love yourself though. I know lots of kids of mommy martyrs and would consider that a childhood trauma. Kids don’t learn how to love themselves if they don’t see healthy parents that model that.

[Anonymous]

I'd certainly sacrifice my life for my kid, if that's what you mean. But I'd rather live well and continue to help him and have the joy of his company for decades more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people don’t love themselves all that much. That’s too bad.

Most people love their kids unconditionally, even when they being jerks.

Most people love their spouses conditionally and don’t take into consideration that their marriage will continue long after the kids leave the house.

And Yes, most female identifying parents put their own needs and desires second to the needs and desires of their children. Male identifying parents do it to, but with less frequency or amount of sacrifice. Is this done out of love? Sometimes. But sometimes it’s guilt, adhering to societal expectations, or convenience / expediency.

Do I love my children more than myself? No. I don’t think I do. Do I give up time I’d rather be napping or working on hobbies to do things they enjoy? Yes. Because it benefits me to raise happy, well adjusted future adults. Do I sometimes give my 5 yr old the last donut even though I wanted it? Yes, but not because I love him more than myself, but because I value the peace of not arguing more than than enjoyment of the pastry.

Agree.

I also think that as children grow into adults then the lack of love for oneself starts to manifest as narcissism.

DP. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like my own parents get more and more self-involved the older they get. They are approaching retirement age now and expect me to make a lot of accommodations and sacrifices for them, neverminded that unlike them, I'm working a fulltime job and raising young children.

It's time to reverse roles. They were once in your shoes. Someday you'll be in their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea. I love my kids differently than I love myself.

This. It’s a silly question. There is plenty of love to go around, no need to compare, it’s not a competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember when my firstborn was an infant, I realized that I would die for him *and not even really mind doing it*. It was such a weird thought, because nothing I’d ever felt before even approached that. And I have a close, loving family!

16 years later, I still feel that way. I don’t WANT to die. But if it meant saving my kids, sign me up!

To me, death to save someone else is an easy choice to make. Harder would be something like giving up both my eyes so that my kids could see, and I have to live the rest of my life blind. I would only do that for my kids, so I suppose I love them more than I love for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember when my firstborn was an infant, I realized that I would die for him *and not even really mind doing it*. It was such a weird thought, because nothing I’d ever felt before even approached that. And I have a close, loving family!

16 years later, I still feel that way. I don’t WANT to die. But if it meant saving my kids, sign me up!

To me, death to save someone else is an easy choice to make. Harder would be something like giving up both my eyes so that my kids could see, and I have to live the rest of my life blind. I would only do that for my kids, so I suppose I love them more than I love for myself.

+1. If you're dead, you're not suffering. Living with a huge sacrifice is where the love is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people don’t love themselves all that much. That’s too bad.

Most people love their kids unconditionally, even when they being jerks.

Most people love their spouses conditionally and don’t take into consideration that their marriage will continue long after the kids leave the house.

And Yes, most female identifying parents put their own needs and desires second to the needs and desires of their children. Male identifying parents do it to, but with less frequency or amount of sacrifice. Is this done out of love? Sometimes. But sometimes it’s guilt, adhering to societal expectations, or convenience / expediency.

Do I love my children more than myself? No. I don’t think I do. Do I give up time I’d rather be napping or working on hobbies to do things they enjoy? Yes. Because it benefits me to raise happy, well adjusted future adults. Do I sometimes give my 5 yr old the last donut even though I wanted it? Yes, but not because I love him more than myself, but because I value the peace of not arguing more than than enjoyment of the pastry.

Agree.

I also think that as children grow into adults then the lack of love for oneself starts to manifest as narcissism.

DP. Why?

If we don’t live ourselves then how do we really know how to love? In the early days of parenting loving a child is relatively easy as they are an extension of us. And they are so wonderful and loveable it makes us feel wonderful and loveable. And basically a fusing kinda happens where a parents value as a person I s attached to the child’s. But then it becomes a tug of war of needs rather than an exchange of love.

And that causes the narcissistic adaptions, which are really just maladaptive coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about "most" parents. There are a lot of terrible parents in the world.

But I do love my kids more than myself. To me this means that I'd sacrifice my life to save theirs, I'll give what I have (time, attention, money, etc) to them *within reason* and I usually put their needs first *within reason*. I love them unconditionally, even when they are at their worst, and I try to see them for who they truly are (not what I want them to be). I've tried to create a home and family that is a source of love, support and stability for them, even if some aspects of my life diverge from what I want or prefer because I chose to have children. I love myself a normal amount, I think, but being a parent IMO means doing what needs to be done to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids. I also believe that you cannot be a good parent if your own needs aren't being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember when my firstborn was an infant, I realized that I would die for him *and not even really mind doing it*. It was such a weird thought, because nothing I’d ever felt before even approached that. And I have a close, loving family!

16 years later, I still feel that way. I don’t WANT to die. But if it meant saving my kids, sign me up!

To me, death to save someone else is an easy choice to make. Harder would be something like giving up both my eyes so that my kids could see, and I have to live the rest of my life blind. I would only do that for my kids, so I suppose I love them more than I love for myself.

+1. If you're dead, you're not suffering. Living with a huge sacrifice is where the love is.

Good point.