How many times am I going to get burned by my parents

[Anonymous]

We don't live close to my parents or my ILs but I feel this because we also have really flaky grandparents. It's not that we're looking for free babysitting or for them to lavish our kids in gifts. It's that they just seem sort of indifferent in a way that is sad to me. My dad and MIL are both also very easily offended by the kids and it exhausts me. Like if they want to snuggle with our youngest and she says "no I don't want to snuggle right now" they will take this as a powerful insult when it's obvious that she is just not feeling like being cuddly (it's allowed! I also don't feel like being cuddled and petted all day). And then they'll say stuff about how our kids "don't like" them. I used to be really reassuring and explain it to them but I'm tired of it and now I just shrug.

All of this is to say, OP, that it's totally reasonable to feel disappointed or hurt in your parents behavior (I would definitely be hurt by my dad not even meeting my new baby when he lives 10 minutes away!) but also you are not alone in this. It's hard but it's something I've accepted. I do think it reflects some ambivalence from my parents/ILs about being parents at all, and neither my DH nor I have particularly emotionally close relationships with them. My DH used to be somewhat close to his dad but he passed. So now we just try to focus on building good relationships with our kids and hopefully planning for a future when they are adults where we can be a bit more supportive and invested in them and their kids. I think some of this is generational and that my parents and ILs had kids largely out of obligation and because it's what you do, and maybe are not that enthralled by it. It's not great but it's not uncommon. I've just accepted it.

It still stings a bit sometimes though. It's normal to want that connection with your parents, especially when you have your own kids and think it will be a kind of shared experience with them. It's strange to be greeted with indifference.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is my in-laws too, MIL especially. Completely a self-involved boomer. She loves the IDEA of being an involved grandparent and constantly talks about how much she misses / loves the kids, but the reality is she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t take the time or make the effort. Which is fine, it’s her choice - but the kids are getting older and realize that talk is cheap. The flakiness is not okay though, and I’m sorry your parents’ carelessness upset your daughter…I agree I would tell them off about that, and would certainly bring it up as a reason not to build your life around their (supposed) plans in the future

[Anonymous]

Don’t count on or plan for the grandparents to see your kids alone. Just visit together.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I have a similar dynamic with my ex. I’ve had time to adjust to I agree:
-never tell the kids before you have confirmed the morning of
- don’t ever get your hopes high, ever
- always have a backup plan, be it for childcare or fun stuff

Ex has improved over the years fwiw

[Anonymous]

I'm 49, a genxer with 4 kids (my youngest is a junior in HS). I have to say that I don't enjoy spending a lot of time around young kids anymore. I find them exhausting. Maybe your parents are tired? My own older boomer parents and inlaws lived far from us so never provided regular babysitting, but they were helpful when visiting (or us visiting them). I don't think you can paint the entire boomer generation as uninvolved with grandkids due to emotional immaturity. If this is your biggest problem, you are pretty lucky.

[Anonymous]

My sympathy evaporates when I find out that someone has three kids.

With three and more kids your life is so fuxxed up that you are always wanting help and perpetually whining.

Stick to two kids and then maybe you will not be so overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathy evaporates when I find out that someone has three kids.

With three and more kids your life is so fuxxed up that you are always wanting help and perpetually whining.

Stick to two kids and then maybe you will not be so overwhelmed.

You have reading comprehension problems.

[Anonymous]

I get this 1000 %. I had completely different expectations for my parents involvement with their grandkids. They wanted to be grandparents so badly so I assumed they would be helpful. They don’t help me at all. Honestly, my parents are simply too fatigued to handle the little kids…and I can’t hold that against them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 49, a genxer with 4 kids (my youngest is a junior in HS). I have to say that I don't enjoy spending a lot of time around young kids anymore. I find them exhausting. Maybe your parents are tired? My own older boomer parents and inlaws lived far from us so never provided regular babysitting, but they were helpful when visiting (or us visiting them). I don't think you can paint the entire boomer generation as uninvolved with grandkids due to emotional immaturity. If this is your biggest problem, you are pretty lucky.

Thanks so much for the shade. Did that make you feel better than PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably say something to them like, "Larla was really looking forward to spending time with you today and is sad. What should I tell her?" And then never mention the plans to the kids again...that way if they flake the kids don't get upset.

Yes. This is super s$&#ty behavior. Don't let them get away with it unquestioned.

[Anonymous]

We have this with my ILs but with a twist of it mostly being health related. It has always been like this, but since the pandemic it’s been worse. One child coughs on on FaceTime 3 days before their visit? Canceled. Some one has a slight sore throat? Better not risk it, will come later, but then later never occurs. The worst was the visit the canceled because my DD got lice multiple weeks before they were supposed to visit. We did the lice comb lady, bleached the house, washed everything, had a clean nice guest room DD never went into ready, and then they canceled because they felt nervous even though weeks had passed. The thing is they act like they will reschedule and it’s no big deal but the result is that they essentially never see our kids. When we visit them we stay elsewhere in case someone gets allergies or something and they can’t deal. It’s just really heartbreaking- the times the stars align and we do see them even for a day they do seem to genuinely care about the kids (same for FaceTime) so we make some effort but even my DH is getting tired of it all. We never tell the kids they are coming in advance and we never plan to visit only them (luckily DH has awesome siblings with children so we can have a great trip with out seeing ILs it’s just disappointing to feel like they can’t bring themselves to take the slightest risk to see their grandchildren.

My parents, my mom in particular, genuinely wants to help even though she’s way busier than my ILs - she makes it happen and makes sure she has time with our kids no matter what. I hope I can pay it forward and be a great Mom/MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. They don't get to behave like this. Next time they suggest ANY plan with your DCs, remind them how disappointed Larla was last time when they canceled the morning of, and tell them you're unable to make plans with them. They have to have consequences or they will not learn or improve.

This is absurd

What’s “absurd” is grandparents flaking at the last minute and without telling anyone on a promise made to a child so they could do “house stuff” (and you can bet the house wasn’t on fire or the water wasn’t rising to neck level in the basement).

[Anonymous]

OP I posted before and I get it. I had to just accept they were not going to be the grandparents I had hoped and meet them where they were. I was totally fine with that though the behavior got worse and more hurtful. What really shocked me, and I think I probably posted this, was the entitlement my mother than had as she aged about all I should do for her. She expected so many visits, drives to appointments, attention, etc. No understanding that her grandkids were still being raised and had no interest in catering to her. Heck, she ditched them so much for better offers they didn't even like her much. They certainly were not giving up sports and hanging out with friends to listen to her gossip and complain. I was too exhausted to meet her demands. She cannot seem to accept I am limited too and she has rewritten history about how present she was for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my parents are the exact same way. I learned a long time ago to stop telling them in advance because they always cancel. My parents live about 90 minutes away, so it isn't as convenient for my parents to come as it is for yours but they are always complaining they never see the kids but they always cancel and in the rare case they do come, they start talking about how they need to leave soon the moment they walk in the door.

Other things my parents have done: come into town and not told me (staying in a hotel) but my friends who know them have run into them at restaurants so they're busted, come into town but ask if they can park their car at my house for free and request a ride to wherever they have plans, whenever we have come down to see them they are always suddenly "super busy" and don't have much time to see us (as in 1 hour).

My kids are teens and just today my mother cancelled on me again. She claimed she wanted to come watch one of my kid's sports games and then we could all go out to lunch. But then around 9am this morning she texted me she wasn't going to be able to come for some random reason. I hadn't told my kids so the only person disappointed was me. My parents barely know my kids, it's sad.

We ran into my mom, her boyfriend and his grandkids who were in town staying with her going out to eat. It was so uncomfortable and her grandkids preferred where we were going so we got stuck going out and paying for them.

Why would you pay for them? That’s on you.