How many times am I going to get burned by my parents

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents are the exact same way. I learned a long time ago to stop telling them in advance because they always cancel. My parents live about 90 minutes away, so it isn't as convenient for my parents to come as it is for yours but they are always complaining they never see the kids but they always cancel and in the rare case they do come, they start talking about how they need to leave soon the moment they walk in the door.

Other things my parents have done: come into town and not told me (staying in a hotel) but my friends who know them have run into them at restaurants so they're busted, come into town but ask if they can park their car at my house for free and request a ride to wherever they have plans, whenever we have come down to see them they are always suddenly "super busy" and don't have much time to see us (as in 1 hour).

My kids are teens and just today my mother cancelled on me again. She claimed she wanted to come watch one of my kid's sports games and then we could all go out to lunch. But then around 9am this morning she texted me she wasn't going to be able to come for some random reason. I hadn't told my kids so the only person disappointed was me. My parents barely know my kids, it's sad.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you know what they do and what the pattern is between you, but you keep doing the same thing and expecting it to be different. So I imagine you’ll keep getting burned as long as you keep playing out your part in the pattern.

I know you’re just venting right now. I get it. You have a new baby, so this isn’t the time to try to address the pattern, it seems like?

[Anonymous]

What do your parents say when you ask them about this?

[Anonymous]

Next time they try to make plans?

“You know what? We’re tired of you always flaking out and disappointing the kids. Planning ahead never works with you. Call with an hour’s notice sometime and we can say yes if we are available.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time they try to make plans?

“You know what? We’re tired of you always flaking out and disappointing the kids. Planning ahead never works with you. Call with an hour’s notice sometime and we can say yes if we are available.”

This is your answer right here. At every suggestion they make to spend time with you, no matter how big or small, say this.

[Anonymous]

Yep. My self-absorbed parents became self-absorbed grandparents. Personally, I have as little to do with boomer generation members as possible. It's a whole different mindset. I don't think they see their own issues at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My self-absorbed parents became self-absorbed grandparents. Personally, I have as little to do with boomer generation members as possible. It's a whole different mindset. I don't think they see their own issues at all.

My mom is a boomer and is not like that all.

[Anonymous]

Mine are like that. I never make plans or ask for help. If they want to see the kids I never tell them in advanced. If we see then a few times a year it’s a lot and they live close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my parents are the exact same way. I learned a long time ago to stop telling them in advance because they always cancel. My parents live about 90 minutes away, so it isn't as convenient for my parents to come as it is for yours but they are always complaining they never see the kids but they always cancel and in the rare case they do come, they start talking about how they need to leave soon the moment they walk in the door.

Other things my parents have done: come into town and not told me (staying in a hotel) but my friends who know them have run into them at restaurants so they're busted, come into town but ask if they can park their car at my house for free and request a ride to wherever they have plans, whenever we have come down to see them they are always suddenly "super busy" and don't have much time to see us (as in 1 hour).

My kids are teens and just today my mother cancelled on me again. She claimed she wanted to come watch one of my kid's sports games and then we could all go out to lunch. But then around 9am this morning she texted me she wasn't going to be able to come for some random reason. I hadn't told my kids so the only person disappointed was me. My parents barely know my kids, it's sad.

We ran into my mom, her boyfriend and his grandkids who were in town staying with her going out to eat. It was so uncomfortable and her grandkids preferred where we were going so we got stuck going out and paying for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. They don't get to behave like this. Next time they suggest ANY plan with your DCs, remind them how disappointed Larla was last time when they canceled the morning of, and tell them you're unable to make plans with them. They have to have consequences or they will not learn or improve.

This is absurd

+1 Who talks like that?

Tell them you're disappointed and so is your DD. Tell them if they want to make plans, then to please stick to them because you are juggling a lot with three kids and can't keep things up in the air.

Did you have some kind of argument about them in the past? Coming over too much -- telling you your kitchen needs work, GASP -- or any of the other complaints people are always making about parents and inlaws in DCUM that might explain their behavior?

[Anonymous]

I have the kind of relationship with my parents where I push back when I feel they're not holding up their part of the bargain. So this incident would have elicited that kind of reaction, because it's like an appointment, I expect my parents to not flake out on me, just as I do not flake out on my parents. Unless there's a very good reason, I would be angry, and let them know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved across the country to a house ten minutes away after we had our first kid three years ago. We've since had two more kids, last one two weeks ago. My parents have a habit of saying they want to help and then flaking. That's fine, we don't ever depend on them for childcare and whenever we see them or they help with the kids we consider it a nice surprise. Sometimes though, it does get to me and I get upset. My dad hasn't met the new baby yet, my mom has been over a few times but didn't help just saw the baby for a few minutes and left. This week they offered to take our oldest for the day, she was very excited because she loves her grandparents and they give her ice cream and let her watch tv all day (we don't care and have never criticized this). Well this morning I texted them to say what time we'd drop her off and suddenly they're busy with house stuff all day. This was after offering all week, saying how much they wanted to help etc. Daughter is sad, and the day we thought we'd have with the baby and middle kid is shot.

I know the key to this is rock bottom expectations but it's still shitty being disappointed by them.

You need to have a VERY frank talk with them and explain their granddaughter was counting on this the whole week and them flaking out is not ok. That they owe her an apology and a time together to make up for it. If they refuse then I'd go radio silent for awhile until I could set some reasonable boundaries. They are being jerks, full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved across the country to a house ten minutes away after we had our first kid three years ago. We've since had two more kids, last one two weeks ago. My parents have a habit of saying they want to help and then flaking. That's fine, we don't ever depend on them for childcare and whenever we see them or they help with the kids we consider it a nice surprise. Sometimes though, it does get to me and I get upset. My dad hasn't met the new baby yet, my mom has been over a few times but didn't help just saw the baby for a few minutes and left. This week they offered to take our oldest for the day, she was very excited because she loves her grandparents and they give her ice cream and let her watch tv all day (we don't care and have never criticized this). Well this morning I texted them to say what time we'd drop her off and suddenly they're busy with house stuff all day. This was after offering all week, saying how much they wanted to help etc. Daughter is sad, and the day we thought we'd have with the baby and middle kid is shot.

I know the key to this is rock bottom expectations but it's still shitty being disappointed by them.

You need to have a VERY frank talk with them and explain their granddaughter was counting on this the whole week and them flaking out is not ok. That they owe her an apology and a time together to make up for it. If they refuse then I'd go radio silent for awhile until I could set some reasonable boundaries. They are being jerks, full stop.

When they cancelled, did you say how disappointed your daughter is? I'm an involved grandparent and would never do this. I still remember a day when I was 5 and my mom cancelled plans for me to spend time with my grandma. We had lived walking distance and my parents moved us half an hour away when I was 5, promising I could still see my grandparents all the time. My mom didn't want to drive me. My grandparents moved closer to our new house

My parents and inlaws were flaky, changing plans and cancelling things with the kids. I tried to explain to my parents what it felt like. They didn't care, so we made most plans without grandparents. It was difficult to take after being so close to my grandma, but my parents were self-absorbed my whole life. I guess I'm making up for it now, enjoying time with our grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP I relate so much though my parents burned me in other ways. I had to just accept what was. It took me a long time to realize I could only make certain types of plans. Agree to meet at park you would go to anyway and don't tell kids they are coming. Then it's a happy surprise. Mine would be dump up for the holidays when they got a better offer. I haven't found anyone who relates that one yet. Their excuse was they could see us anytime. Took me years to stop making holiday plans with them-which offended them.

Be careful about living near them when they have aging needs. Suddenly we owed them everything and the neediness was out of control. After enough years I was so over it when they weren't even grateful and mom especially became entitled and rude. She rewrote history about all she did for us. Suddenly she wanted to see us all the time and make us her life, but it was all me, me,me...listen to me gossip and complain about others, listen to my aches and pains, drive me to this appointment as I criticize your driving, you don't do enough for me....Larla's daughter does x,y,z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did they move?

Haha my husband asks this all the time. Supposedly to be close to us!

It probably was to be close to you, but for their own needs. They want to make sure you are there if they have medical emergencies and need things as they age. That was my parents.