Do you ever feel jealous of people whose parents are still alive?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP

[Anonymous]

My mother died at 50 and I struggle with empathy for people who get really, really upset when their 70-something and 80-something parents die after brief illnesses.

I am thankful I do not have to witness a lengthy decline for my mother. I was semi-estranged from my father, who died in his sleep at 68, so no regrets there.

My father in law was a good man and died after a brief illness at 80. My mother in law is now 80 and is struggling with dementia and its sad.

I get a tiny hit of envy when I see people with able-bodied, mentally with-it grandparents, but I try to keep my eyes on my own paper and work on myself so I can live past 50.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm sad and a bit envious of people who still have parents alive, especially at the holidays/birthdays. I'm especially sad for my kids who are the only ones of their friends to no longer have any living grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I miss my dad sooo much and his relationship with his grandsons. I feel like the went too early. He mind was so sharp and he was very active and energized...fu cancer!

I try to really dig into gratitude for having such a great and loving dad who cared so much about his family and taught me so much. He was the first person I always texted or called with any type of news--good or bad and I always appreciated his wisdom and his humor to offset bad situations.

There is a definite hole in our family with him gone.

I only get 'twinges' when I see a grandpa at the sports field or others with their dads, but it's more missing my dad than jealousy of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

I envy people with healthy, sane older parents. I never had parents like that. When they passed it was a relief still with grief.

I hear ya. My mom died many years ago 2 days before her 50th birthday and my dad, now my only parent, is in the early stages of dementia but it causes a lot of rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

I envy people with healthy, sane older parents. I never had parents like that. When they passed it was a relief still with grief.

I hear ya. My mom died many years ago 2 days before her 50th birthday and my dad, now my only parent, is in the early stages of dementia but it causes a lot of rage.

This. I am living this and have been for years. I envy people who have sane parents too who are alive for a long time and then die peacefully and calmly without a horror show, rage fits, and endless nightmare scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here — thank for writing all of this and making me feel normal. I’m so sorry about your mom as well. I guess I thought I would feel a little better about things by now, but the pain is still pretty overwhelming. Like you, I cannot engage with grandparents. This is a little thing, but the other week I was talking to some moms about sewing on scout badges and one of the moms said “that’s what grandmas are for.” I could only half-smile and only say “we don’t have that option.” But I felt like bursting into tears. I don’t think she meant any harm and probably just assumed all of us had living and able-bodied parents, but it’s just proof that my grief is still very raw.

First of all -- get yourself some Badge Magic! Never sew on a badge again. (If you have a Boy Scout and they don't offer it, get it from the Girl Scout store).

Second, there's nothing wrong or abnormal in how you feel. Your grief is a reflection of your love for your mom and your sadness that she's not here with you and your kids anymore. I think you're feeling the grief as jealousy when situations remind you that other people have living parents and you don't, but the underlying emotion is really grief, not jealousy standing alone as some mean-spirited emotion that's rooted in envy or spite.

I have a friend who lost both parents when they were in their late 50s/early 60s -- no warning, just sudden heart attacks I think with no time to prepare or say good-bye. She's a great person and they seem like they were great parents (I never knew them). On the anniversaries of their deaths when she posts about remembering them, or when she visits their beautiful house in a perfect outdoor setting that she still owns and posts amazing pictures of the scenery, the art they made, etc., I feel jealous feelings as well. My situation is different from yours in that my father is still alive, but I've been estranged from him for more than 20 years because of his emotional abuse of my mother, me, and my siblings. He was not invited to my wedding and has never met my kids. I will almost certainly never see him or speak to him before he dies.

So I get that my jealousy of my friend is really grief about the death of my relationship with my father, not only the actual relationship with him, which was pretty crappy and problematic, but also the fantasy relationship where he was a good, kind, mature, loving, supportive, and non-narcissistic dad who actually loved and respected me.

I also think it's appropriate to not take it personally if someone complains about how hard it is to deal with a living, elderly parent and believe me, it can be extraordinarily difficult even with a parent with whom you have had a close relationship. The sandwich generation stress is real. People deserve to be supported where they are without playing the pain Olympics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of these bad feelings are good for your kids
Use that as motivation

Whaaat? Feelings are just feelings. They don't harm anyone unless acted upon in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

I envy people with healthy, sane older parents. I never had parents like that. When they passed it was a relief still with grief.

WOW....this is exactly how I feel and have felt even when they were alive. I was envious of those friends who could rely on their sane parents. Then they both died and I felt this relief with yes guilt and grief.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, that must be so hard. I’m 49 and my 81 year old mother is showing signs of cognitive decline and is a lot to deal with. I love her immensely but this phase of her life is challenging and time consuming. And expensive. I’m not sure what the best scenario is for anyone. Young and sane and normal or elderly and difficult and disoriented.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. My parents died while I was in my 20s. I still sometimes feel sad when I see grandparents picking classmates up at my kid’s preschool or even when I see how involved my in laws are with my SIL’s kids. But I try to focus on what I can control. I had kids early, am moving closer to family to strengthen those other relationships, etc. The occasional sadness is just grief manifest and it’s normal. Sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

I envy people with healthy, sane older parents. I never had parents like that. When they passed it was a relief still with grief.

WOW....this is exactly how I feel and have felt even when they were alive. I was envious of those friends who could rely on their sane parents. Then they both died and I felt this relief with yes guilt and grief.

This.

OP, you may want to try volunteering at a memory care or being a 'friend' to a more challenging elderly person at an AL for volunteer work. Now sometimes the difficult ones were always difficult, but sometimes, they truly were delightful, maybe even like your own parent. When you envy your friends with living parents you are seeing a moment in time. Some of them may pay for that joy with a parent who ages poorly and even lashes out at them and accuses them of things down the line. One can hear those things, but until you have lived it day to day, you just cannot fathom how painful it is and it can rob you of any pleasant memories. You could go help an elderly person and perhaps get just a small teeny tiny taste of what you might have experienced had your parents lived a long life. You get to just stop volunteering or at least leave when/if you ever see that dark side that can grow as the brain erodes. I have spent too many years being the target of an aging mom and have spent a fortune in therapy trying to process it and be in her life in some capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. My parents died while I was in my 20s. I still sometimes feel sad when I see grandparents picking classmates up at my kid’s preschool or even when I see how involved my in laws are with my SIL’s kids. But I try to focus on what I can control. I had kids early, am moving closer to family to strengthen those other relationships, etc. The occasional sadness is just grief manifest and it’s normal. Sorry for your loss, OP.

I get kind of jealous when I see extended families at a park enjoying a picnic/bbq. My husband's parents passed away when he was young, and mine lived abroad so we raised our kids without local cousins or other relatives. It's not always death that causes a lack of relatives.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes because my mom, who I was closest to, passed away unexpectedly at 65 and I miss her. I still have my dad though and I recognize I am lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

+1

Dementia and petulance is no walk in the park.