Do you ever feel jealous of people whose parents are still alive?

[Anonymous]

I feel sadness about it. I miss my mom in particular. I’m not sure if I feel envy.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorrow and envy. One year I intentionally booked a long weekend trip for grandparents’ day so I wouldn’t have to put on a brave face for my child- I was relieved that Covid cancelled it 3 years in a row. I had a small wedding because after attending more than 10 huge weddings of close friends and watching the role their parents played, I realized a traditional wedding format would bring so much attention to my missing parents that it would be sad for me rather than celebratory. My child comes home from school and says so-and-so’s grandparents are babysitting while their parents are in Italy/Hawaii/at a work conference, and that makes me envious for me and sad for my child.

I don’t mind being around other people’s parents, though. There are some really kind parents out there at my child’s school and in the neighborhood, and they are generous people. One grandmother hosted an evening at my friend’s house and ironed on the badges for every girl in our Girl Scout troop!

[Anonymous]

I feel sad but not envious of others. My dad died when I was 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my early 40s and my parents are still alive and I envy people who have parents who are not emotionally immature. I love my parents but they are not a source of comfort or joy for me. I largely maintain a relationship with them so that my child can have a relationship with them, but even that I have to watch carefully because my parents don't know how to be nurturing or supportive and largely just seek these things out from others for themselves (even from their young grandparents).

I sometimes even envy people who have lost their parents if they had really good, functional relationships with them when they were alive. I am sad for them for their loss but I envy the positive relationship that would lead you to mourn your parent's passing instead of being, as I will be, on some level relieved.

I identify and can relate to every word of this. Yes. +100000

I relate to this mostly. Except my mom takes it a step further and flies into abusive territory and she is still alive. My dad had him limitations, but overall was more loving and he's gone. I'm just grateful I had one parent who would never verbally beat me and who I think loved us. I was relieved when he passed because it was a long illness with a lot of suffering. If I don't keep my boundaries with my mom I think she'll kill me long before she dies. When she passes I think there will be relief that I never have to face another tantrum, verbal assault, tirade of insults. She stopped talking to me for a while and that sense of peace I had knowing i would hear from her for a while was blissful. That said, I think I ever made that permanent by cutting off she'd make my life even more hell.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My parents died when I was in my 20s. I was very close to my father. I am 55 now and it still hurts. The hardest part was my children not having grandparents (my DH's parents not involved at all), especially at schools where a "grandparents day" was a big deal. A wonderful principal had a beautiful solution- He would offer that kids without grandparents living near them could bring an older person without grandchildren from the church to the grandparents event. My kids built a beautiful relationship with a widowed woman who did not have children of her own.

[Anonymous]

I feel this. It's hard not to think about all you missed or how it might have been different. It feels unfair when people still have their parents, grandparents, and sometimes even great-grandparents, but I try to remember that everyone has their struggles, and overall, I'm very fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 41 years old. My mom was a single mom and raised my siblings and me on her own. She died unexpectedly and suddenly last year at only age 67. I’ve never had a relationship with my father, so she was the only parent I ever knew. I’ve found myself feeling jealous of people who are my age and older and still have their parents or even really no feelings of sadness or sympathy for people whose parents are much older when they die. I don’t love that I have these feelings, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I have two young kids and it’s so hard to watch other kids with their grandparents. DH’s mom also died in her 60s, so we only have his dad who doesn’t spend much time with the kids because he doesn’t live nearby. Am wondering how others have dealt with these feelings and whether they ever fade? Thanks.

I grew up with grandparents as babysitters and family holidays filled with cousins. Both my DH and I are only children and don't live near any extended family. His dad died when he was 10, and his European mom returned to her country for retirement when he went to college. My mom passed at 64 when my first kid was only 2yrs old. My much older dad lived with us for a few years prior to going to a nursing home and eventually passing when my oldest was 10 yrs old. I've always been sad that my kids never knew grandparents or cousins or big family gatherings. But I'm also aware of how different family dynamics are for so many people. Since we've never had any family obligations on holidays like Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, etc we started our own gathering traditions of hosting a party and inviting various other friends and neighbors who also didn't have a place to go.

The other things you don't see yet is that you won't be facing some of the many challenges that other face in their 50s and 60s trying to manage aging parents and juggling obligations of career, kids, college, etc. Listening to some of my friends lament their problems, I'm sure they feel a little jealousy of me not having those stresses. (Of course, I would have much preferred having my mom around for 20 more years and dealing with those stresses now.)

Your grief and sadness will always be there. But you can create different traditions that will be unique for your family.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad suddenly a year ago at just 71. We were so close, and I saw him daily. He was like a second dad to my young kids. I miss him so much every day, and I do envy those that have both their parents left. Extra envy when their kids have all 4 grandparents alive, as I just have one.

[Anonymous]

Yes I do. But I’m happy they have them.

[Anonymous]

No because my siblings and I went through eldercare hell for five years as they declined in separate houses. It was an awful, awful, awful time that nearly cost me my relationship with my siblings. My parents were each good parents to us but the horrible years of eldercare turmoil nearly replace all the good because those are more recent memories. Now all I think of is the relief that that period is in the rearview. Sudden death is horrible in its own way but you should also consider yourself grateful that you escaped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My parents died when I was in my 20s. I was very close to my father. I am 55 now and it still hurts. The hardest part was my children not having grandparents (my DH's parents not involved at all), especially at schools where a "grandparents day" was a big deal. A wonderful principal had a beautiful solution- He would offer that kids without grandparents living near them could bring an older person without grandchildren from the church to the grandparents event. My kids built a beautiful relationship with a widowed woman who did not have children of her own.

NP here. How thoughtful - I love this idea!

Op, I feel the same, and it is perfectly normal. I have been at gatherings where people talk about their parents, their plans, etc. for what seems hours, even though it is maybe only a half hour.

You learn to take it in stride, but it is very difficult.

Many of my older friends still have their parents, and it does not always seem fair that my parents died relatively young.

You are not alone.

I do feel like shaking some people when they complain about their parents, or their inheritance, or something similar. They need to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my dad suddenly a year ago at just 71. We were so close, and I saw him daily. He was like a second dad to my young kids. I miss him so much every day, and I do envy those that have both their parents left. Extra envy when their kids have all 4 grandparents alive, as I just have one.

I am so sorry.

It is worse when the grandparent that is left isn't much of a grandparent, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

Op, I have to echo this. I've dealt with the demise and deaths now of my father, step-father, mother, MIL, and are currently dealing with my FIL who is 95 and has cost us tens of thousands of dollars and also worry as his cognitve abilities decline and he falls for every scam and won't sell property etc...and THAT is causing a strain in our marriage, and might prove to be the straw on the camel's back for my BIL/SIL marriage.

There are endless configurations as to how helpful or draining a parent can be. You are just looking at the grandmas who are picking their kids up from school and babysitting them and making them dinner so mom can work. Those grandmas are visible; the ones house-bound are invisible.

[Anonymous]

I feel jealous of people who miss their dead moms. Mine is alive and not in my life for good reason.

I feel sympathy for you, though. We all have our terrible things in life, and I am not trying to say mine is worse --not at all -- just that we all get our hurts in different ways. It helps me to think about it that way. I have wonderful things other people don't have. I just didn't get a sane mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel jealous of people who miss their dead moms. Mine is alive and not in my life for good reason.

I feel sympathy for you, though. We all have our terrible things in life, and I am not trying to say mine is worse --not at all -- just that we all get our hurts in different ways. It helps me to think about it that way. I have wonderful things other people don't have. I just didn't get a sane mother.

+1 I know it’s easy for me to say, but you are so lucky to have had a mom that you miss. My biggest wish as a parent is that I am being a mom whom my kids will miss. When my parents passed away, I didn’t lose much. It’s a different kind of hole and it will never be filled.