Do you ever feel jealous of people whose parents are still alive?

[Anonymous]

I’m 41 years old. My mom was a single mom and raised my siblings and me on her own. She died unexpectedly and suddenly last year at only age 67. I’ve never had a relationship with my father, so she was the only parent I ever knew. I’ve found myself feeling jealous of people who are my age and older and still have their parents or even really no feelings of sadness or sympathy for people whose parents are much older when they die. I don’t love that I have these feelings, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I have two young kids and it’s so hard to watch other kids with their grandparents. DH’s mom also died in her 60s, so we only have his dad who doesn’t spend much time with the kids because he doesn’t live nearby. Am wondering how others have dealt with these feelings and whether they ever fade? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

None of these bad feelings are good for your kids
Use that as motivation

[Anonymous]

I feel twinges of it sometimes. My kids are still little and I envy friends who have parents nearby and built in support. I'd never express it, but it's normal to feel wistful from time to time.

[Anonymous]

I can understand why you feel the way you feel. I wish my BF hadn't passed a year after she gave birth to her son. Why did I get to watch my kids grow up and not her? My dad's father passed when he was 10, but I had mine until age 46. Life's not fair. All you can do is make the most of your time together, however long or short that is.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone in this at all.
Both of my grandmothers lived to around 100 and I had a false expectation that my mother would live a long life where I would spend many of my empty nester years enjoying her company. She was an amazing grandma to my kids. She died last year in her 60s and I am still devastated and working through grief and I certainly experience jealousy of those who have their moms in their lives. I really hope it gets better with time, but I am still working through some bitterness. I do think it will take intentional effort to move past and I do want to do that for my own mental health and my kids.
We had a school event yesterday where a kid at our table had grandma with him and I was pleasant enough but couldn't engage with them. It was just too painful. I am giving myself grace at this point with this kind of a trigger and giving my grief space to stay with me a little longer. It helps me stay connected to my mom's memory and that is what I need most right now. Sorry not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

I envy people with healthy, sane older parents. I never had parents like that. When they passed it was a relief still with grief.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my early 40s and my parents are still alive and I envy people who have parents who are not emotionally immature. I love my parents but they are not a source of comfort or joy for me. I largely maintain a relationship with them so that my child can have a relationship with them, but even that I have to watch carefully because my parents don't know how to be nurturing or supportive and largely just seek these things out from others for themselves (even from their young grandparents).

I sometimes even envy people who have lost their parents if they had really good, functional relationships with them when they were alive. I am sad for them for their loss but I envy the positive relationship that would lead you to mourn your parent's passing instead of being, as I will be, on some level relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my early 40s and my parents are still alive and I envy people who have parents who are not emotionally immature. I love my parents but they are not a source of comfort or joy for me. I largely maintain a relationship with them so that my child can have a relationship with them, but even that I have to watch carefully because my parents don't know how to be nurturing or supportive and largely just seek these things out from others for themselves (even from their young grandparents).

I sometimes even envy people who have lost their parents if they had really good, functional relationships with them when they were alive. I am sad for them for their loss but I envy the positive relationship that would lead you to mourn your parent's passing instead of being, as I will be, on some level relieved.

I identify and can relate to every word of this. Yes. +100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone in this at all.
Both of my grandmothers lived to around 100 and I had a false expectation that my mother would live a long life where I would spend many of my empty nester years enjoying her company. She was an amazing grandma to my kids. She died last year in her 60s and I am still devastated and working through grief and I certainly experience jealousy of those who have their moms in their lives. I really hope it gets better with time, but I am still working through some bitterness. I do think it will take intentional effort to move past and I do want to do that for my own mental health and my kids.
We had a school event yesterday where a kid at our table had grandma with him and I was pleasant enough but couldn't engage with them. It was just too painful. I am giving myself grace at this point with this kind of a trigger and giving my grief space to stay with me a little longer. It helps me stay connected to my mom's memory and that is what I need most right now. Sorry not sorry.

OP here — thank for writing all of this and making me feel normal. I’m so sorry about your mom as well. I guess I thought I would feel a little better about things by now, but the pain is still pretty overwhelming. Like you, I cannot engage with grandparents. This is a little thing, but the other week I was talking to some moms about sewing on scout badges and one of the moms said “that’s what grandmas are for.” I could only half-smile and only say “we don’t have that option.” But I felt like bursting into tears. I don’t think she meant any harm and probably just assumed all of us had living and able-bodied parents, but it’s just proof that my grief is still very raw.

[Anonymous]

My mom died when she was 57. I don't feel jealous of others because I don't know their circumstance. Some people have very strained or difficult relationships. It's not good to compare.

[Anonymous]

My mother is in her 90’s and is evil. She always has been.

I find it interesting the a current bestseller is, I’m Glad My Mother Died.

What is it like to have grown up with a loving mother? I have always been jealous of people who have or had this.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, too, everyone else for commenting and offering your thoughts. I really appreciate it. I’m just still so sad and heartbroken. I obviously wish things would have happened differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm much older. My friends who still have parents are dealing with the challenges of 80-90 year olds with failing health. That is also pretty tough.

This is what I was thinking.

My parents are eighty a kid have had Parkinson’s and dementia since their late sixties.it sucks.

That said, forty and sixty seven is on the youngish side to lose a parent. I’m sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do envy them and it bothers me when they complain to me about little things related to their parents, without any sensitivity to my loss.