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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

OP here — thank for writing all of this and making me feel normal. I’m so sorry about your mom as well. I guess I thought I would feel a little better about things by now, but the pain is still pretty overwhelming. Like you, I cannot engage with grandparents. This is a little thing, but the other week I was talking to some moms about sewing on scout badges and one of the moms said “that’s what grandmas are for.” I could only half-smile and only say “we don’t have that option.” But I felt like bursting into tears. I don’t think she meant any harm and probably just assumed all of us had living and able-bodied parents, but it’s just proof that my grief is still very raw. [/quote]

First of all -- get yourself some Badge Magic! Never sew on a badge again. (If you have a Boy Scout and they don't offer it, get it from the Girl Scout store).

Second, there's nothing wrong or abnormal in how you feel. Your grief is a reflection of your love for your mom and your sadness that she's not here with you and your kids anymore. I think you're feeling the grief as jealousy when situations remind you that other people have living parents and you don't, but the underlying emotion is really grief, not jealousy standing alone as some mean-spirited emotion that's rooted in envy or spite.

I have a friend who lost both parents when they were in their late 50s/early 60s -- no warning, just sudden heart attacks I think with no time to prepare or say good-bye. She's a great person and they seem like they were great parents (I never knew them). On the anniversaries of their deaths when she posts about remembering them, or when she visits their beautiful house in a perfect outdoor setting that she still owns and posts amazing pictures of the scenery, the art they made, etc., I feel jealous feelings as well. My situation is different from yours in that my father is still alive, but I've been estranged from him for more than 20 years because of his emotional abuse of my mother, me, and my siblings. He was not invited to my wedding and has never met my kids. I will almost certainly never see him or speak to him before he dies.

So I get that my jealousy of my friend is really grief about the death of my relationship with my father, not only the actual relationship with him, which was pretty crappy and problematic, but also the fantasy relationship where he was a good, kind, mature, loving, supportive, and non-narcissistic dad who actually loved and respected me.

I also think it's appropriate to not take it personally if someone complains about how hard it is to deal with a living, elderly parent and believe me, it can be extraordinarily difficult even with a parent with whom you have had a close relationship. The sandwich generation stress is real. People deserve to be supported where they are without playing the pain Olympics.

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