My sister and her boyfriend are slobs

[Anonymous]

Tell them they need to start cleaning u after themselves or pay for a cleaning service to come twice a week (since they make daily messes)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them they need to start cleaning u after themselves or pay for a cleaning service to come twice a week (since they make daily messes)

Don’t do this. Then they will think they can leave a mess because “the housekeeper will do it.”

I would get them out asap. Good luck, OP, and come back and let us know how the conversation goes. We are rooting for you to not feel like you have to be in people-pleasing mode all the time. It’s hard when many of us (mainly women) have been conditioned our whole lives to not take care of ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Kick them out. ASAP. Be firm and don't equivocate when telling them.
Just say, it's time for you to get your own place. Love you, but we need our house back. Please move out by Nov. 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m with you: Your sister’s standard of cleanliness would drive me bananas. You’re just not compatible this way.

I agree with others that setting a move-out date would be best. You won’t want them there when the baby arrives anyway, nor will they want to be there when it’s hard for anyone in the house to sleep through the night. Make sure that the move-out date is well in advance of when you *need* them out, just in case there’s any foot dragging.

Then open up a conversation about household chores. Explain that how they choose to live isn’t bad but it’s different from the standards you and your husband have. Explain also that it’s been stressful for you in a way you didn’t anticipate. Blame the pregnancy hormones if you want to soften the blow. Define the chores that need to be done and set a schedule for it. Explain that putting off air fryer/crock pot/etc. cleaning may work in their own apartment because they do eventually get around to it but how in a shared kitchen the lack of clean cookery and available counter space makes it tough to cohabitate. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they might not have considered that (even though we all know that adults should manage these things themselves).

OP, given that you've shared that you have people pleasing tendencies, I would go with this advice but I would NOT blame the pregnancy hormones. You do not want to leave any opening that would allow users (exactly what your sister and boyfriend are) to dismiss your concerns. Your sister has already been argumentative about this when you've asked her to clean up before. If you ground your arguments in "pregnancy hormones" instead of the way they choose to live doesn't work for you, you will be opening the door for debate about your mental state and not the facts. If you're a people pleaser, you might not have the fortitude to stay strong and not give in. Make your DH back you up. Let him be the heavy if needed. No matter what, when you go into that discussion with her, do not let it end without a very clear and firm deadline for when she must leave. Don't let her try to blow up and bait you into fighting about it, thus delaying the discussion for when you've cooled down (gaslighting tactic), don't allow her to say something open ended like 'we'll think about this and talk more later' or 'we will start cleaning up more and then we can revisit the topic later' There will be no lasting change from these people. Adults who live that way are set in those ways. Let them keep their ways, just not under your roof.

[Anonymous]

Tell them both if they don't start cleaning up they'll need to start paying $1200/month and that starting today they have 30 days to find their own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need or want the money?

No, we do not need or want the money. I’m more worried about preserving my relationship with my sister.

This is why you need to give them a hard deadline to move out. Living together is going to ruin your relationship. Just say you love them, but having another couple in your house is stressful. No need to talk about them being slobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need or want the money?

No, we do not need or want the money. I’m more worried about preserving my relationship with my sister.

Why? She’s not interested in preserving it with you. Stop walking on eggshells around her. Be a grown-up and set some boundaries. Be okay with the discomfort of her having a tantrum. You’re going to be a parent in a few months. Time for you to. grow up.

[Anonymous]

No wonder the old roommates wanted them out. Tell her the rules or it’s time to leave. If she’s ,ad that’s her choice.

[Anonymous]

I’d give them a date they have to be out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need or want the money?

No, we do not need or want the money. I’m more worried about preserving my relationship with my sister.

Why? She’s not interested in preserving it with you. Stop walking on eggshells around her. Be a grown-up and set some boundaries. Be okay with the discomfort of her having a tantrum. You’re going to be a parent in a few months. Time for you to. grow up.

+1. Your sister is a jerk that doesn’t care about how you feel. She may very well flounce out and cut you off. If she does, this is on her — not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, with love, you should not even need to ask us if this is reasonable. You are about to have a kid who you will need to advocate for with teachers, doctors, extended family, etc. it is not always comfortable. Use this moment as an opportunity to look into books and resources for how to overcome being a people pleaser. It will help you in many ways.

You can be firm with people and say “no” while still being respectful and even kind.

Good luck, you deserve cleanliness and rest at this time in your life!

OP again. Thank you. This response made me cry. I know this is something I need to work on. It’s very difficult for me to upset or disappoint people. I am definitely going to seek out books and resources ASAP. I want and need to do better for my child.

You totally can, and you will! One of the beautiful but challenging things about being a parent is that it puts you in situations where you have to tackle your own issues head on. It results in so much growth. Embrace the journey and approach it with a lot of compassion for yourself.

NP, but this post is so thoughtful and kind. Most of all it’s true. You’ll get there OP. I think family can be the hardest to stand up to, so this will be great practice. You can be firm and still polite with people when setting boundaries. It took a long time for it to click for me, but eventually I realized I don’t need to hide my feelings, needs, or wants to smooth things over for people who would be offended when they don’t get their way. They’re no more special than I am, and if they’re not afraid to tell me no, I won’t be afraid to stand up for myself (or my kids) and tell them no.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband talk to your sister’s boyfriend by saying it is time for you guys to find your own apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful. Since they have been paying you rent they now legally count as tenants, even without a signed lease, and you can't just toss them out. You need to legally evict them if they decide they don't want to move on their own accord. This can take months and involve law enforcement. I learned the hard way.

And legally they don’t even have to have paid a dollar of rent, just lived there for a significant period of time and even more so if they’ve ever received one piece of mail to that address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need or want the money?

No, we do not need or want the money. I’m more worried about preserving my relationship with my sister.

Don’t put her needs about your own. They need to move out.

[Anonymous]

Op, any update? We are rooting for you here and hope you get your home back soon.