My sister and her boyfriend are slobs

[Anonymous]

Is it 4 adults to one bathroom?

[Anonymous]

They sound like they have ADHD. My husband and I are like this too, OP, and it's a struggle to stay organized, neat and tidy. I'm the least impacted by ADHD, so I seem to be the one noticing the mess and cleaning it. My husband could live in clutter and filth and not even notice.

Point is: they're not going to change, so they need to move out ASAP. They're not finding a place, again, because of their lack of executive function and organizational skills. Push them out. Kindly - we're an ADHD family, we know all about procrastination, last-minute rushing to do stuff, etc. These people need a firm deadline.

[Anonymous]

They are adults, not your minor children. Out by Halloween.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m with you: Your sister’s standard of cleanliness would drive me bananas. You’re just not compatible this way.

I agree with others that setting a move-out date would be best. You won’t want them there when the baby arrives anyway, nor will they want to be there when it’s hard for anyone in the house to sleep through the night. Make sure that the move-out date is well in advance of when you *need* them out, just in case there’s any foot dragging.

Then open up a conversation about household chores. Explain that how they choose to live isn’t bad but it’s different from the standards you and your husband have. Explain also that it’s been stressful for you in a way you didn’t anticipate. Blame the pregnancy hormones if you want to soften the blow. Define the chores that need to be done and set a schedule for it. Explain that putting off air fryer/crock pot/etc. cleaning may work in their own apartment because they do eventually get around to it but how in a shared kitchen the lack of clean cookery and available counter space makes it tough to cohabitate. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they might not have considered that (even though we all know that adults should manage these things themselves).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it 4 adults to one bathroom?

Unfortunately, yes. Do not recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you need or want the money?

No, we do not need or want the money. I’m more worried about preserving my relationship with my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband need to write out a script and sit down with your sister and her boyfriend (at a calm time and not when you are angry and frazzled).

Something like:

Sis and Ben, our relationship with you is very important to us. We love you and want us to always be close. But us living together his not working. I’m pregnant and stressed and the added chores of having you here are not working for us. And living in a house where the chores aren’t taken care of isn’t an option either.

Since resolving those issues hasn’t been possible, we want to make sure that we are making good choices to ensure that we have good relationships going forward, and to do that, we need to get our home back. You originally said that you needed a place to stay until you found a place, and now that time has come. So let’s agree on a date for you to get your own place and move out.

Since it’s near the end of September, Nov 1st is a reasonable option so we need to commit to that date. Thanks for also investing in protecting our relationships as that’s really important to me.

Let us know how we can help. And let’s definitely plan on thanksgiving here!

Op here. This is great. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

tell them "The vibes" are wrong and to hit the road. It doesn't take months to find a place to live.

[Anonymous]

They got kicked out of the former place because the landlord’s girlfriend couldn’t stand the mess. You’re enabling them. Don’t be a doormat, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, with love, you should not even need to ask us if this is reasonable. You are about to have a kid who you will need to advocate for with teachers, doctors, extended family, etc. it is not always comfortable. Use this moment as an opportunity to look into books and resources for how to overcome being a people pleaser. It will help you in many ways.

You can be firm with people and say “no” while still being respectful and even kind.

Good luck, you deserve cleanliness and rest at this time in your life!

[Anonymous]

Be careful. Since they have been paying you rent they now legally count as tenants, even without a signed lease, and you can't just toss them out. You need to legally evict them if they decide they don't want to move on their own accord. This can take months and involve law enforcement. I learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes, they do pay rent ($600/month).

Are you in Dc? This is laughable. Unless you need the extra $600 a month, tell them I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out. You’ll need to find a new place by November 1st or and in the meantime here are the rules of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, with love, you should not even need to ask us if this is reasonable. You are about to have a kid who you will need to advocate for with teachers, doctors, extended family, etc. it is not always comfortable. Use this moment as an opportunity to look into books and resources for how to overcome being a people pleaser. It will help you in many ways.

You can be firm with people and say “no” while still being respectful and even kind.

Good luck, you deserve cleanliness and rest at this time in your life!

OP again. Thank you. This response made me cry. I know this is something I need to work on. It’s very difficult for me to upset or disappoint people. I am definitely going to seek out books and resources ASAP. I want and need to do better for my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Yes, they do pay rent ($600/month).

Are you in Dc? This is laughable. Unless you need the extra $600 a month, tell them I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out. You’ll need to find a new place by November 1st or and in the meantime here are the rules of the house.

I’m not, I’m actually in Connecticut. It’s still peanuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, with love, you should not even need to ask us if this is reasonable. You are about to have a kid who you will need to advocate for with teachers, doctors, extended family, etc. it is not always comfortable. Use this moment as an opportunity to look into books and resources for how to overcome being a people pleaser. It will help you in many ways.

You can be firm with people and say “no” while still being respectful and even kind.

Good luck, you deserve cleanliness and rest at this time in your life!

OP again. Thank you. This response made me cry. I know this is something I need to work on. It’s very difficult for me to upset or disappoint people. I am definitely going to seek out books and resources ASAP. I want and need to do better for my child.

You totally can, and you will! One of the beautiful but challenging things about being a parent is that it puts you in situations where you have to tackle your own issues head on. It results in so much growth. Embrace the journey and approach it with a lot of compassion for yourself.