Poll - should spouses tell each other about job offers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

I would feel this way if he took the job, but not that he turned it down.

In our family, we definitely discuss career plans and thoughts about changes. That said, I can see either of us throwing our hat in the ring for an internal position and not thinking it was a necessary thing to discuss unless seriously considering accepting an offier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

Clearances are job security. You don’t get it.

I actually do get that. But he's nearing the end of his career, and he stated the last time he went through the process would be the last time he would go through it. Again, I'm suggesting that he come to a different conclusion necessarily. I'm suggesting that we talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

I would expect it to come up in conversation in my marriage, but he gets to pick his job. I wouldn't dream of telling me spouse what job to take or not take, even when money has been tight.

I wouldn't either. Not sure where being upset that it wasn't even discussed translated into me thinking I could tell him what job to take.

In the part I bolded. It's not a bilateral decision, it's a unilateral decision because it's his job. Lots of things are team decisions, but this isn't one of them. Complaining that it's shouldn't be "acceptable" for him just to decide what job he has reads as very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

I would expect it to come up in conversation in my marriage, but he gets to pick his job. I wouldn't dream of telling me spouse what job to take or not take, even when money has been tight.

I wouldn't either. Not sure where being upset that it wasn't even discussed translated into me thinking I could tell him what job to take.

In the part I bolded. It's not a bilateral decision, it's a unilateral decision because it's his job. Lots of things are team decisions, but this isn't one of them. Complaining that it's shouldn't be "acceptable" for him just to decide what job he has reads as very controlling.

Fair enough. At the end of the day, I can't "control" what I never even knew about, so don't be too concerned about my controlling anything!

[Anonymous]

I think context matters. It depends on 1. How much the family is struggling financially and 2. How much of the workload at home the other spouse is taking on.

If, say, Spouse 1 works at a startup making barely anything, working 60-80 hour weeks so Spouse 2 has to handle everything at home, and the family is struggling financially - then yea, I'd be pretty upset if my spouse was offered a well-paying, flexible job and turned it down.

But if salaries and workload are relatively the same, and they turned it down because they would have hated the job, I wouldn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable or my spouse is being unreasonable, or if it's nothing.

Spouse one - interviewed internally for a new job, received offer, 15% pay raise, turned it down for losing security clearance which is too much of a negative at this point. Didn't think it necessary to tell spouse two since the job was turned down.

Spouse two - thinks all job offers from either spouse should be discussed with pros and cons considered, even if one spouse has made up their mind.

Both spouses work and are well paid, almost equally.

Do we have an "obligation" of sorts to bring job offers/discussion to each other, or to each their own to manage their own career and pay?

Only you know and can decide accordingly but it raises a question about health of your relationship. You are supposed to be each other's soundboard, supporter and cheerleader.

[Anonymous]

Adults don't need a "cheerleader". What are you, in kindergarten? Grow up FFS.

[Anonymous]

Of course they should share about that.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had dh accept offers without telling me until I asked. We ducking literally do not talk. I don’t know why he won’t share that he’s applied for jobs, is or isn’t getting interviews, and is or isn’t getting offers. I ask periodically, which is good I guess because he’ll then tell me … but wtf why can’t he just tell me he’s been offered a ducking g-d dammed job??????????

Unemployed was worse. at least he has a job. For now. Contact you for renewal let’s see if he shares any information without me asking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults don't need a "cheerleader". What are you, in kindergarten? Grow up FFS.

of course adults need cheerleaders. What are you, a robot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

NP here. In the case that you mentioned where an internal job change would negatively impact family life or improve a situation that we’ve talked about, we would mention it. If it wouldn’t impact family life, we may not mention it at the time. I think my DH hasn’t mentioned some internal jobs that he interviewed for that he thought he wouldn’t get.

[Anonymous]

Yes, decent communication is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

Clearances are job security. You don’t get it.

I actually do get that. But he's nearing the end of his career, and he stated the last time he went through the process would be the last time he would go through it. Again, I'm suggesting that he come to a different conclusion necessarily. I'm suggesting that we talk about it.

Even at the end of his career, given his age having a clearance is far more job security. He should mention it and tell you he turned it down, but he was right in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Never tell your spouse anything. Stop communicating all together.

[Anonymous]

I think in an open relationship where 2 people are equals and talk about their careers for support, you’d both share if you got a job offer, as well as when you were going through the process. But if 1 spouse is super anxious or opinionated or hates change, I guess I could see hiding it from them unless you knew for sure you wanted to take it. Like I haven’t told my parents I got a job recently because I’m still waiting for it to be 100% sure.