How do you do it with no family around?
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Anonymous
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I don't have any family around while DH has some but at least 1 hr away. I'm a WAHM. I hired a nanny for nearly 10 years. It was an absolute necessity and the best thing that I ever did. Our first nanny was with us 2 years then moved out of state. Our 2nd nanny was with us over 7 years. She was like family and stayed on board until she wanted to retire.
If you can, hire your help - and pay well. |
Anonymous
| We chose to stop at one child. We also outsource lawn care, cleaning, child care (i.e. camps, after school care). We are pretty good at sharing responsibility. I honestly prefer it this way. I'm glad my family is 1,000 miles away. Of course I might change my tune if circumstances change. Who knows. |
Anonymous
I am so afraid of this. D is pregnant and lives a plane ride away. She has few people besides her fiancé that she would ask for help. I am trying to see if I can get a cheap short term rental near her. |
Anonymous
| Somehow we managed it with 2 kids, and lots of people do. I either worked only part time or SAH for a few years, which wasn’t my original plan but that’s what worked. However I know people that were doing it with 3 kids and no nanny and 2 WOH parents. Both parents have to be involved, you take turns sleeping in on weekends, you trade off watching the kids and running errands. |
Anonymous
| Echoing PP—it was really hard. Years of trying to juggle too many balls, feeling tired and stressed a lot. You just get through it. I really used the time between 6am and leaving for work to get things done. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care. Time commuting to work in the morning was my quiet time. |
Anonymous
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For what it’s worth, I do not think it’s that hard. My spouse helps a TON, but together we manage it well. I’ve never lived near family so maybe I’d feel differently if we had family help, then moved, but it’s all we know and it works.
And no I’m not saying everyone has to feel like I do but there’s a lot of “it’s horrifically hard” comments here and I actually feel the opposite, so sharing my experience. |
Anonymous
Agree that you need to be more specific. If you mean the immediate postpartum period, I think that might be really hard without hired or family support at least for a couple weeks. If you mean young kids in general, I don’t actually think it’s so bad? Maybe because I have nothing to compare to since I was raised far from family too. I think my biggest general advice is to accept that your life is going to change, especially your priorities, and you have to accept that. Love your kids and forgive yourself and your partner when you inevitably make mistakes. |
Anonymous
| The extreme sleep deprivation is not something most of us have experienced before. Being in the moment and not anticipating the next helps. Trust that in time you will sleep again. Definitely make sure both parents are getting rest. Ear plugs help, newborns are noisy. |
Anonymous
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We have a one year old and three year old, and families live a 27 hour journey away in Australia.
I found it was useful to live somewhere small (except during covid!). Less maintenance and easier to tidy up / clean. Make as many parent friends as possible, and try to set up a babysitting syndicate. If you have the means, pay for care so you can get a break. Consider it an investment in your mental health. |
Anonymous
For us, it was hard, but not soul crushing and we had nothing to compare it to. So I have no idea what regular first time mom “newborn stage” shock looks like vs our life. There was never a scenario in which we were going to have help. We hired a weekly cleaner and ordered takeaway for dinner a lot. But we knew going in that we didn’t have family to help us. We knew we were 3,000+ miles away from family, and I mentally prepared for the worst. We ended up with a high needs baby and I had PPD, and that sh!t sucked. Bigtime. We were overtired and argued and we all cried at times, but we muddled through the best we could. Was I envious AF of folks who had siblings and parents around to pick up the slack? You bet. But since our moms were (still are, just in case that sounds off) dead and we have 1 sibling and 1 functional dad between us, both in another country, the alternative was to not have a kid. So we did what needed doing and got through the baby stage with our twisted senses of humor and family unit intact. There are absolutely things I would change if I had a magic wand. My kid’s broken digestive system for starters. My own crushing depression/anxiety for a close second. And it goes without saying that I’d wish for my mom, not just for help, but because i miss her daily. But within reasonable parameters (I know there are extreme cases and I’m not talking about that), you just do what needs doing and that’s what normal looks like for your family. |
Anonymous
+1 this is my experience as well. My family is actually a cause of extreme stress and anxiety so when I moved away after my oldest was 1 I actually felt more free and relaxed then perhaps my entire life! So maybe there is something to how easy your life has been up to this point in the calculus. I have three kids under 7 now and we have made some friends but probably no one I would call in an emergency to watch my kids. I have one aunt that lives nearby that I think I could call in a truly emergent 'break the glass' moment but I never have. My mom did come when #3 was born but honestly I was relieved when she left after a week. I think for us what has helped... 1) We are creatures of routine, and we stick to the routine with devotion. My kids know what to expect, and we are strict. Not like, Von Trapp family strict or anything but we're not loosey goosey 2) We have a lot of dedicated space in the house to the kids. They have a large playroom and our activities basically all revolve around their house and what makes sense to do with kids. So DH isn't spending Saturday afternoon golfing and I take kids with me when I go to target. But our lives are structured with the fact that we have three kids in mind essentially. 3) Building off 2, my DH is an EQUAL PARTNER. Extremely equal. We also love each other A LOT and never let any resentment fester. Literally if I am feeling even slightly annoyed about something I'll proactively bring it up. We do not like tension and so we don't let it exist. 4) We pay for good childcare and a biweekly cleaner. We had a nanny for a bit but now have one in school, soon to be two and one in daycare. And we leveraged that care to build a network of babysitters. Which, circling back to 3, we use for regular date nights. Even cheap ones, even if for whatever reason we miss a month, we still try to make that time. When one of us has something like a dinner with friends or my husband plays a sport part of the year where he's gone one night a week, we roll with it. We make space for each other's breaks but we don't take advantage of that space. We try to lift each other up. And we are very fortunate to have children who are healthy and who do not have special needs as that would add additional stress to our lives. But generally, we do it by making sure our marriage is very very healthy and egalitarian and outsourcing when we can. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, our house and yard are a mess because we don't have the budget for lots of cleaners and contractors, but we let it slide a bit to spend time with our kids. Or to make up work after their 20th exclusion from daycare for a cough, more realistically this last year. And we don't have dates or adult only trips. Ta-da!
Since neither of us is a high earner with the ability to outsource more than day care and summer camps, we treat work as the secondary priority and take time off ourselves when kids are sick and quarantined. I've also stayed in a job that's 70-80% telework with a flexible enough schedule that I can pick kids up from school and day care between 3:30 and 5 PM both days. It's not my dream job but for now it lets me put family first. |
Anonymous
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The closest we've lived to anyone from either of our families since we've had kids is a 4 hour drive away. There are pros and cons, actually.
Pros: -the weekends are entirely ours. If our extended families were local, I know we'd be getting together w/ them nearly every weekend and there would always be a certain amount of guilt if we didn't feel like getting together on a particular weekend or didn't invite them to an event or whatever. -we put more thought and effort into planning vacations and holidays together so that time is more intentional and well-planned. We recently took a beach trip with my extended family that had been planned for almost a year. It was nice that since we don't get together that often, everyone put a lot of thought and effort into making it a really special trip whereas I feel like if we saw each other all the time we wouldn't have planned something like that. -the kids get really excited to see their grandparents and cousins since they rarely get the chance. -if your parents or in laws have different parenting styles than you, it would make it difficult to use them as caregivers for your kids or even to really have them around your kids a lot and some distance makes it that they won't be regular caregivers which takes some pressure off. I know if my in laws lived locally, for example, they'd always be offering to babysit but I don't really want them to because they do things way differently than I would and I don't feel as though they watch the kids attentively enough. Whenever we leave the kids w them it seems someone gets hurt or lost or we come home to something broken in the house/a big mess. -it forces you to make friends and build a community, not just always rely on family Cons: -it would be great to have some help w/ childcare from family nearby. We can get babysitters but it's just not the same as having a grandparent or uncle/aunt you really trust. -it would be wonderful to know you have someone to call in an emergency that can get to you quickly. We've had to create this for ourselves w/ neighbors and friends since we don't have local family. -I wish our kids got to know their extended family on a deeper level from more frequent interaction. I wish grandparents and aunts/uncles etc could show up for sporting events and such. I wish my kids could play w/ their cousins more often. There is no one great way to have it in life. Just try to build a community around yourself for support and hire help if you can. You and your spouse always work together and don't let one of you become overburdened w/ parenting and household stuff. Do your equal share. |
Anonymous
| It was sad that my kids grew up without much a grandparent/cousin relationship. My husband's parent died when he was young and mine lived on the other side of the world. Finding casual babysitters was a struggle. I was allowed to travel with my husband for his work occasionally, but never did because someone needed to look after the kids. |
Anonymous
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NP here. I find it interesting when I see posts about ‘not having family around’ that so many responses say ‘have your family come to you’. That may very well be the case for many people (though I’d wonder then why they’re posting if that’s an option) but there are so many who literally DO NOT HAVE FAMILY. As in they are dead, imprisoned, incapable of being a decent human, impoverished, etc.
We are one such family that literally has no one we can fly in due to various death and other family issues. And it is hard, we make sacrifices and make it work using all the methods people have mentioned and love our life anyhow. Since we are not wealthy, we had to make choices about how we hire help - we looked at our biggest pain points and focused there. For us that is dog walking (there is just not enough time in the day!) and food (we spend one day a month cooking a bunch of food to be frozen and then rely on meal prep services and takeout and very simple meals). Everything else we make work - cheapest home daycare, clean the house ourselves and just deal with the fact it is never as nice as we want, etc. |