How do you do it with no family around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 3 under the age of 5 here, with youngest 6 months old. Both our families live far away.

1. adjust expectations. your place does not need to be clean to the same level it used to be. keep it just as tidy as your mental and physical health needs it to be, and no more. also, your days of leisurely project cooking and beautiful meals are probably behind you, and that's okay.
2. ensure your partner steps up. you should not be doing the majority of the tasks. get him/her used to doing all the kid stuff, which doesn't mean that the baby screams the entire time you are getting some "me time". they should be adept at comforting the baby, giving a bottle, etc.
3. find mom friends. this is the hardest, but is really critical. put yourself out there at the music together class, or the library story time, or the playground or whatever, and find a mom or two with kids the same age. I can't tell you how many times I have leaned on my support group to get me through a rough day.
4. if you can, hire help.

Bull! If she's a SAH mom, she does the majority of tasks. If she's working, then hire. help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had my mom come for extended periods when I had an infant. Now she comes at least one weekend every other month to babysit. Even if parents are out of state they will probably want to come help. And don't forget about siblings; grandparents aren't the only ones who can help out.

Did you pay your mother and your siblings?

DP but I’ve paid for a hotel before (don’t have room in our place). Haven’t paid for them to help but I think it’s fair to at least offer to pay for a flight if you need them asap and it’s not a planned trip.

[Anonymous]

You either pay for help or suck it up. It’s hard. We live in a different country than our families and have never had any help for our young kids. I’m a SAHM (spouse travels 70%) and even with me having to juggle just parenting and not outside work, it is hard when they are so young.

[Anonymous]

Is this your first child? What do you need to get done? Cook,clean,grocery shop? Take them along.

[Anonymous]

I begged my husband for help and he was too cheap. I still have PTSD and resentment toward my mother and MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 3 under the age of 5 here, with youngest 6 months old. Both our families live far away.

1. adjust expectations. your place does not need to be clean to the same level it used to be. keep it just as tidy as your mental and physical health needs it to be, and no more. also, your days of leisurely project cooking and beautiful meals are probably behind you, and that's okay.
2. ensure your partner steps up. you should not be doing the majority of the tasks. get him/her used to doing all the kid stuff, which doesn't mean that the baby screams the entire time you are getting some "me time". they should be adept at comforting the baby, giving a bottle, etc.
3. find mom friends. this is the hardest, but is really critical. put yourself out there at the music together class, or the library story time, or the playground or whatever, and find a mom or two with kids the same age. I can't tell you how many times I have leaned on my support group to get me through a rough day.
4. if you can, hire help.

Bull! If she's a SAH mom, she does the majority of tasks. If she's working, then hire. help.

I’m the pp quoted above, and that was… weirdly aggressive? I’ll add that both my husband and I work, and I was offering suggestions based on what works for us. But even if I was not working, I would expect my partner to be able to do a fair share of the work with the kid. This isn’t 1952, and both parents should parent.
Also, the dcum knee jerk response of “hire help” isn’t reflective of many young families’ financial situations. If you can hire help, that’s great, but not everyone can.

[Anonymous]

I have a 6 month old and all of our family is a plane ride away. Here is what has helped us:

-One grandma coming every 6-8 weeks for a few nights. This gives us a chance to spend time together.
-Get a hotel for family that isn't helpful (ex: In-Laws that just hold the baby but can't really do much to help out).
-Ask for neighborhood recommendations: babysitters, nanny, mother's helpers, etc. I work full-time and have coverage for 50 hours a week. Pay for as much help as you can afford.
-Plan holidays in advance. This has been the toughest for me as we can't just go off for a quick three day weekend. It helped to have fun things planned.

[Anonymous]

Hired a part time nanny

[Anonymous]

For those who hired a part time nanny, what hours were the most helpful for them to come support? Mornings 8-12, Afternoons 12-4, or Evenings 4-8?

[Anonymous]

My husband pitched in. He cooked, washed up, did laundry. I breastfed and we co-slept.

Both our families are in Europe. We lived in a small apartment (for DC1 and DC2), which made the postpartum period a little easier - less housework.

[Anonymous]

Well, you don’t sleep much. And certainly not all at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband pitched in. He cooked, washed up, did laundry. I breastfed and we co-slept.

Both our families are in Europe. We lived in a small apartment (for DC1 and DC2), which made the postpartum period a little easier - less housework.

Me again. Honestly, I don't quite understand when everyone says it's hard. Yes, there is plenty of sleep deprivation at first, but that's also the time when I'm most motivated to get up and care for the baby, because I'm full of motherly instinct or whatnot . My first was born with special needs, so his health was a big concern. But the actual daily routine? Not a problem.

Perhaps when you say it's hard, you mean you have other things going on apart from newborn/early childhood and work? Because that's all we did for a while, and that's all we wanted to do. We didn't have hobbies, we didn't plan regular parties, etc...

Now my kids are teens, I foster puppies for a rescue, and there's still plenty of sleep deprivation (newborn care, potty-training, etc). Motherly instinct needing an outlet, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband pitched in. He cooked, washed up, did laundry. I breastfed and we co-slept.

Both our families are in Europe. We lived in a small apartment (for DC1 and DC2), which made the postpartum period a little easier - less housework.

Me again. Honestly, I don't quite understand when everyone says it's hard. Yes, there is plenty of sleep deprivation at first, but that's also the time when I'm most motivated to get up and care for the baby, because I'm full of motherly instinct or whatnot . My first was born with special needs, so his health was a big concern. But the actual daily routine? Not a problem.

Perhaps when you say it's hard, you mean you have other things going on apart from newborn/early childhood and work? Because that's all we did for a while, and that's all we wanted to do. We didn't have hobbies, we didn't plan regular parties, etc...

Now my kids are teens, I foster puppies for a rescue, and there's still plenty of sleep deprivation (newborn care, potty-training, etc). Motherly instinct needing an outlet, I guess.

The adjustment to parenthood is different for everyone. Some of us recover from birth quickly, others heal more slowly. Feeding can be complicated or effortless- though most often varying degrees of both. Some babies cry non stop, others only when they need something (though the nonstop ones also need something but it’s harder to sort at times). Not everyone has a partner that can help, maybe they have to go to work right away, or are not confident, or just plain suck. Others find it easy. Some of us have horrific ppda and or birth trauma- some don’t. It’s a very individual family specific dynamic. So, great it wasn’t noticeably difficult beyond sleep deprivation for you. Thank you for fostering. Let other people have their own experiences.

[Anonymous]

You pay for help. If you can’t pay for help you move closer to where your help is. I only live in the DMV because my in-laws are here and are willing helpers. Otherwise I would be far far from here.

[Anonymous]

What do you do when you have no choice? You just do. That is what I had to do.