Rant: why some siblings won't help with great elderly parents

[Anonymous]

You tell them that you can’t do it alone anymore. Remind them that there are 5 siblings and more than enough chores to go around for all to help dad. If they can’t or won’t be able to physically shoulder part of the load, suggest they outsource help to do it. Brother can’t find time for yardwork? He can hire and pay the landscaper. Sister can’t help with rides to appointments? She can hire a ride service for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

+1. I think this person is confused.

NP, but huh? Life expectancy in eg the 1940-50s was early or mid 60s. People typically died of heart disease or infections without the extraordinary interventions of today. Very little eldercare was necessary probably because “elders” did not experience decades of post-retirement dependence to begin with…!

[Anonymous]

Traditions of inheritance could provide guidance for care for the elderly. In one country where some of my ancestors were from, elderly parents would transfer the family farm to the eldest son when they couldn’t handle it. Then he (and his wife, especially) were responsible for their care as they aged in that family home. Younger siblings didn’t inherit land (they might possibly get some money when the parents died) but also weren’t responsible for elder care. I’m not commenting on whether this was a good or bad system, but expectations were clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

+1. I think this person is confused.

NP, but huh? Life expectancy in eg the 1940-50s was early or mid 60s. People typically died of heart disease or infections without the extraordinary interventions of today. Very little eldercare was necessary probably because “elders” did not experience decades of post-retirement dependence to begin with…!

+1, my grandmother lived to 99 and was slowly killing my mother for the last ten years of g’ma’s. G’ma was in an progressive living arrangement and eventually was in memory care. My mom is one of 6. But my mom was the main point of contact so any emergency she or her youngest brother were the ones who did the bulk of heavy lifting.
My great grandparents all died before my mom was a teenager. My grandmother did NO elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every child of an ailing parent I know has helped them unless:

1. They had a psychiatric disorder that made them dysfunctional and too self-obsessed to care about others.
2. They had suffered abuse or neglect as children at the hands of that parent.
3. They lived too far away.

Now when I say "help", I do see that some adult children help more than others. But everyone not in the 3 categories above does something. And even the ones in 3 send money, or call regularly, or try in some way to be involved. My husband lives a continent away from his ailing mother, but he's the only doctor in the family, and he supervises her medical care from afar.

Living far away is not a valid excuse. It is a cop out. There are things they can help with.

+1 I’m a 5-hr plane ride from dad, and sis is 2-hr plane ride. Brother is 2-hr drive. My sister and I have seen my dad more and attend Dr visits and social worker visits by phone. He has done zero. But, he’s generally a selfish prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

I am in a family with a mild version of the Golden Child dynamic. How can you expect a child to protect other children? I don’t think it makes my brother (the GC) self centered that he couldn’t solve a problem as a child that adults struggle with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

I am in a family with a mild version of the Golden Child dynamic. How can you expect a child to protect other children? I don’t think it makes my brother (the GC) self centered that he couldn’t solve a problem as a child that adults struggle with.

Sorry I wasn't clear. The dynamic continues into adulthood. I was the scapegoat and my sister fed into it, but she was a kid. She did something to enrage our narc mom as a teen. Once I was an adult and was the GC, anytime my mom badmouthed my sister I defended her, even though my sister never did that for me. I was an adult and had more perspective by then. My mom wanted to do something truly cruel to my sister and I stopped it. Unfortunately for me I decided to live closeby and help mom caring for dad which make me scapegoat again. My sister has relished the role. She did nothing and got to be the GC guilt free. She does not defend me. I have backed away after a decade of helping. Dad passed away and mom got worse with lashing out. As a child I didn't expect anything, as an adult I expect some integrity. She has no intention of doing much so it will be interesting how it plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

Sometimes there is no golden child nor abused one. Sometimes children forget that their parents are human and for the most part try to do the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know that your parents were good to them, and you know a whole lot of other things, but you don't know why they don't want to help. I'm also surprised that you just cannot ask them if you really don't know why they don't want to help.
I hope I don't have to help my parents. My childhood was hell. My sister doesn't completelyagree though. She knows it was bad, but she was older and got out of the house sooner.

These are my feeling exactly. My mom may be currently dying and I thought it would bring feelings of relief but it's actually just brought up more of the sadness, hurt, anger and guilt that I've always felt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

I am in a family with a mild version of the Golden Child dynamic. How can you expect a child to protect other children? I don’t think it makes my brother (the GC) self centered that he couldn’t solve a problem as a child that adults struggle with.

Does your brother see it that way? Does he know he is the GC? Perhaps it was too mild, as you said. Typically adult siblings have no relationship with the GC. Not just because they felt GC did nothing to protect them, it's so much deeper than that. And in my experience the GC grows to believe they are superior to the others and thus owed special treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every child of an ailing parent I know has helped them unless:

1. They had a psychiatric disorder that made them dysfunctional and too self-obsessed to care about others.
2. They had suffered abuse or neglect as children at the hands of that parent.
3. They lived too far away.

Now when I say "help", I do see that some adult children help more than others. But everyone not in the 3 categories above does something. And even the ones in 3 send money, or call regularly, or try in some way to be involved. My husband lives a continent away from his ailing mother, but he's the only doctor in the family, and he supervises her medical care from afar.

Living far away is not a valid excuse. It is a cop out. There are things they can help with.

A psychiatric disorder? Selfish and self-obsessed definitely but that’s not a psychiatric disorder - that’s just being a crappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

They just moved in with someone. No hiring or poor house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rant: There's five of us and we had great parents growing up. Parents were involved and empathetic with all of us. Helped each of us when we needed it. They provided for us financially and emotionally. I'm a middle child.
Mom is previously decreased. Now my elderly dad needs some help - mainly just check ins to make sure he's ok. We all live close to him. I'm the only one who seems to be able to help him at anytime. The other siblings do not have families of their own and do not have time to help Dad per their own admission. I've asked for help and it has fell on deaf ears. Dad has asked them to help same thing - saying yes and never showing up. They certainly have time to travel - non work and help others ( non family) at any given day/time who treat my siblings poorly. I really do not know why I'm surprised by this, they didn't help with mom 7 years ago. Not asking for advice. Just can't believe that they can't lift a finger to help Dad who has been there for each of them at any given time even very revently.

If there are 5 of you it may be east for them to think that someone else will step up so they don’t have to. Since yo u are stepping up, they don’t have to and they probs ly think someone else will.

If all of them are single with no other family, I’m guessing upper 50’s and 60’s, they may just be used to thinking about and taking care of themselves.

Do you all get together for birthdays and holidays? If so, who organizes and hosts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

Often the Golden Child buys into family myths because the alternative is to have to accept that you got favored treatment and were so self-countered that you didn't protect your siblings. Also, it is rare to have so many people in a family who chose to remain single and childless. It makes one wonder if what they saw growing up was just not for them. Not assuming the worst, but simply suggesting OP's story may be just that, her story and her interpretation. We don't know their sides and no good judge hears one person's point of view and decides that is the truth.

I am in a family with a mild version of the Golden Child dynamic. How can you expect a child to protect other children? I don’t think it makes my brother (the GC) self centered that he couldn’t solve a problem as a child that adults struggle with.

As middle-aged adults, sometimes our elderly mother would talk about our one and only brother and oldest sibling in golden child terms. We used to tease him about it and he cracked jokes about his status too. Possibly worked here as we were all in agreement on our mom's mental challenges, especially as she aged.