Rant: why some siblings won't help with great elderly parents

[Anonymous]

If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

[Anonymous]

OP, family friends of ours did this: each took a week. If it was "their" week, they checked-in with Dad.

I think, for them, it was understood that they called each day. Or maybe it was that they visited during the week. The point was -- it was scheduled. Maybe something firm, firm like that. Not that it would make those step-up who otherwise wouldn't -- but a framework is always good. More obvious accountability is always good.

Or divide by task

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

[Anonymous]

Easy four of us

Dad has past away mom in her 80's with zero money except very small social security.

One sister helps her. One and only Brother steals from her and claims he's helping by coming over and sitting with her or once in a blue moon driving her somewhere.

My other sister and I have no contact. Never will we give her money or help her at all. She is a horrible human crappy mother. While my one sister can tolerate and ignore my mothers crap I tried for over 50 years I'm out. Should have done it when i left home at 17.

[Anonymous]

Ask them. But at a time you are genuinely curious to hear the answer not looking to bludgeon them for their inaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were the favorite and their childhood was different than yours. Maybe they are just selfish people.

This. OP sometimes childhood experiences are vastly different between siblings, unbeknownst to each other. Or they could just be clueless/selfish/etc. You may not know fully.

I agree with suggesting tasks or days. Something that sets a routine going.

But why are we assuming the worst? Everyone always assumes each childhood was vastly different but, why not take op's word. I mean I think she would know the situation better than strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who do think, in the course of history, took care of the elderly?

Their own family, PP.

With increased life expectancy, it's certain that eldercare has become more prevalent. But there weren't any nursing homes hundreds of years ago, or even a hundred years ago (there were poorhouses, which weren't the same).

You are incredibly uninformed and stupid.

[Anonymous]

I ask myself this question often, and I don’t have a good answer. I was raised with my brother in a loving, happy, home with 2 kind, generous parents. As an adult, my brother is a workaholic and not the caregiver type. Growing up, I think I was appreciative of whatever our working class parents could provide, but I don’t think my brother was ever satisfied. As our parents grew older and needed lots of help, my brother was basically absent. Now that our parents are gone, I hardly talk to my brother because I resent his lack of help when I needed him to step up. I still love him as he’s my only brother, but I wish things had been handled differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

[Anonymous]

There are 5 siblings in your family and no one has their own family? I find that extraordinarily unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

+1. I think this person is confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly they don't feel the same way you do and it's not uncommon for each sibling to view childhood and parents differently and to have different relationships in adulthood.

It is interesting that 4 siblings do not have families of their own. Sure some people don't want to get married and/or have kids, but the percentage in your family is high enough I wonder if your family life was not pleasant for them,

If there is money there, hire some help. You can even hire someone to assess level of functioning and what he needs so siblings are less likely to argue with you. You cannot force anyone to do anything, but you might as well throw money to make sure he gets good care.

+ 1 This is the exact thing that jumped right out at me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly they don't feel the same way you do and it's not uncommon for each sibling to view childhood and parents differently and to have different relationships in adulthood.

It is interesting that 4 siblings do not have families of their own. Sure some people don't want to get married and/or have kids, but the percentage in your family is high enough I wonder if your family life was not pleasant for them,

If there is money there, hire some help. You can even hire someone to assess level of functioning and what he needs so siblings are less likely to argue with you. You cannot force anyone to do anything, but you might as well throw money to make sure he gets good care.

+ 1 This is the exact thing that jumped right out at me, too.

I think it’s because OP is massaging the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to take care of your parents then do so. Parents, to me, are selfish expecting it. I don't have any kids and sure wouldn't be dumping any responsibilities on nieces. I can't put my head in the sand and pretend I will never get Alzheimer's or figure out what to do if I need personal care. Parents seem to do this all the time.

Most parents didn't do any of the same level of care for their older relatives. And it had nothing to do with them not having parents. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California which tracked boomers, their parents, and grandparents showed that boomer women in particular are the first group that did caregiving en masse. Their parents and grandparents didn't do all that much so moving away and that was that. It's a big myth that previous generations were doing this. I didn't even realize that most of my senior neighbours had living parents as they maybe visited them once a year.

Who cared for the grandparents of the boomers and earlier generations? Hired help for the rich and the poor house for the rest?

+1. I think this person is confused.

I think people back then would have just died if they were bedridden or became frail.

[Anonymous]

Seniors did not live nearly as long even a few generations ago.