Cruel Break-Up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

Whining? Holy crap, no, you sound like someone who has just experienced a major trauma.

Does your ex have mental problems? It really sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Truly.

Please know that you DO NOT deserve any of what he said. A healthy person does not say any of that, no break up with someone on their birthday. Something terribly wrong with your ex, OP.

Op. I was a selfish girlfriend. I was a bad partner during Covid. I had anxiety and it made his anxiety worse. He wasn’t this way until recently. I pushed him to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run away. Delete, block. This is a blessing.

This. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, but this is the best thing this person ever did for you. He will probably be back, btw, and the best thing you can do for your own future is to refuse any contact. He is trying to see if you will take him back after abusive behavior.

Op here. I doubt he will be back. He screamed at me that he doesn’t love me anymore.

That is unhinged behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

Whining? Holy crap, no, you sound like someone who has just experienced a major trauma.

Does your ex have mental problems? It really sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Truly.

Please know that you DO NOT deserve any of what he said. A healthy person does not say any of that, no break up with someone on their birthday. Something terribly wrong with your ex, OP.

Op. I was a selfish girlfriend. I was a bad partner during Covid. I had anxiety and it made his anxiety worse. He wasn’t this way until recently. I pushed him to it.

You may have pushed him to break up with you but you didn't push him to speak to you like that.

I don't believe the "now I see you for who you really are" angle that some people like to use when someone has an angry outburst, because people do say things during fights that they don't really mean and that does not mean there is not some monster lurking just under the surface that has now been exposed.

But what your ex said to you -- no, you did not deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

Whining? Holy crap, no, you sound like someone who has just experienced a major trauma.

Does your ex have mental problems? It really sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Truly.

Please know that you DO NOT deserve any of what he said. A healthy person does not say any of that, no break up with someone on their birthday. Something terribly wrong with your ex, OP.

Op. I was a selfish girlfriend. I was a bad partner during Covid. I had anxiety and it made his anxiety worse. He wasn’t this way until recently. I pushed him to it.

You may have pushed him to break up with you but you didn't push him to speak to you like that.

I don't believe the "now I see you for who you really are" angle that some people like to use when someone has an angry outburst, because people do say things during fights that they don't really mean and that does not mean there is not some monster lurking just under the surface that has now been exposed.

But what your ex said to you -- no, you did not deserve that.

That does not mean there **IS** some monster lurking beneath the surface that has now been exposed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

Whining? Holy crap, no, you sound like someone who has just experienced a major trauma.

Does your ex have mental problems? It really sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Truly.

Please know that you DO NOT deserve any of what he said. A healthy person does not say any of that, no break up with someone on their birthday. Something terribly wrong with your ex, OP.

Op. I was a selfish girlfriend. I was a bad partner during Covid. I had anxiety and it made his anxiety worse. He wasn’t this way until recently. I pushed him to it.

Is this you OP? If so, you sound like an abuse victim, meaning you blame yourself for the abuse. Stop. You both have issues separate of each other. You need to find a great therapist, but most importantly block him everywhere. This isn’t a relationship that will ever rise from the ashes. You’re young and you’ll have a happy, fulfilling life with some serious support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He got triggered and had a rage outburst. It has nothing to do with you, it’s his inability to regulate emotions. Based on what he said he sounds extremely immature. This is a WIN for you, you learned early enough what an awful life partner he would have been. Process this and don’t take this baggage with you when you are ready to restart dating.

In time, maybe you can look back and see if there were any red flags that you ignored. Hard to believe this is the first time he acted immaturely:

I agree. It was a rage outburst. My Dad used to have those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have dodged a bullet. In time this reframing may be easier and automatic, but how lucky you are to have not started out a new year with that bad rubbish. Block him. He probably won't come back but block him. You said that you have been working on this for a while. In the beginning, with no kids and no aging parents it should be easy and fun. It gets harder but that is when you draw on all of that love and goodwill and pure joy from the beginning. Please consider going to therapy (short term, I don't think everything needs a therapist) to help you process this and to deal with what might be hard as you learn to trust yourself and your instincts again. This is a good time in your life to start again, and summer is the perfect time to get out and have some easy breezy dates when you are ready.
Finally, do not mourn him or the relationship. Any "mourning" would you be wishing he was a different person and you can't make that happen.

Re: the bolded. Only white women go through these difficult, fraught boyfriend girlfriend relationships and waste years of their fertility on something that is clearly not working and involves no permanent commitment on the part of the man. Please stop doing this, it’s so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I realize this sounds like me whining that I'm good and perfect and he's a horrible person. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have flaws, and I think he is a good person at his core. I am not trying to whine. I just want to know how to trust again.

Whining? Holy crap, no, you sound like someone who has just experienced a major trauma.

Does your ex have mental problems? It really sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Truly.

Please know that you DO NOT deserve any of what he said. A healthy person does not say any of that, no break up with someone on their birthday. Something terribly wrong with your ex, OP.

Op. I was a selfish girlfriend. I was a bad partner during Covid. I had anxiety and it made his anxiety worse. He wasn’t this way until recently. I pushed him to it.

Why are you trying to excuse his behavior? Why do you think it's ok for someone to talk to their partner like this? It's not okay, and you need to see that. This is how an abusive relationship works. He breaks you down, treats you like shit, and then when he changes for a moment and treats you nicely, you think everything is rainbows and unicorns because the bad moments make the good moments seem SO good. But guess what? It always will go back to him being a jerk and treating you like crap and you thinking it's your fault.

Be strong and be glad you got out of this before you moved in together or worse, had a kid together. Don't be tempted to ever get back together. You are smarter and stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is done. Move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is done. Move on

I think that’s the point of the post, dear

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your issue is not whether you can trust another man, your issue is whether you can trust your own judgment. For this I highly recommend that you get intensive therapy, there is absolutely no way that you have not witnessed troubling behavior from this man in the past. You just either ignored it or refused to let yourself see it.

I am so happy for you that he let you go. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. Find someone who is worthy of you but first figure out your own worth.

100x this. Some family dynamic made him being “temperamental” seem acceptable- work through that.

[Anonymous]

You’re 29, move on.

[Anonymous]

Women when they break up say nice things. Men when they break up burn the bridges. He did you a favor by leaving. I’m sorry but he sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women when they break up say nice things. Men when they break up burn the bridges. He did you a favor by leaving. I’m sorry but he sounds awful.

I've only had one (of six) boyfriends break up with me, and he did it kindly, in a restaurant, said he was sorry, that he would give me space and that he'd be there as a friend if I was ever up for it. Then he drove me home and we hugged goodbye.

That's what you should EXPECT, OP. Your ex is cruel and you need to move on. Don't make excuses for him, don't own HIS issues.

[Anonymous]

What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!