These “breaks” stress me out!

[Anonymous]

Does this interfere with naps?
Can you suggest an activity with a set start time so they have to be on time?

This is annoying, but it’s also really unfair to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Stop thinking of it as a break and mentally switch it to a grandma visit. It may be a little easier to deal with. When then hit kindergarten, enroll them in rec sports and classes and invite her to meet you at the 1 hour soccer game to cheer them on and go out for ice cream after. Then you all go home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not worth the stress or the aggravation to me. I would just hire real help if I needed it because this “help” comes with too much mental drain that you now have to manage. I would reduce these visits to 2-3 times a year at most and give her an absolute deadline as others have mentioned. If she’s not there within 30 minutes of planned arrival time, I would send a text and say “I couldn’t wait any longer and left for my appointment with the kids. Looks like today did it work out. We can try again next time.” And then do not respond to any further texts or calls until late evening or the next day. Then she can contact the son she raised to arrange any visits.

+1

She will not change. Don't make plans around her. On days she is planning to come, have the kids watch a movie and if she comes she comes, if not, kids can continue watching the movie. Or, if you are doing an activity/going out with the kids go, and she can join you there if she makes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who think this person can change: she can't. I am surrounded by people like that, and when I put my foot down, they can with great effort be on time a couple of times, but not consistently, because they have ADHD, or something else, and they just can't. So I've taken to going about my day. If they come, they come.

+1. Op, your MIL isn’t perfect but she is willing to spend time with and love your kids and that’s a good thing even if she’s disorganized. Older people lose their faculties (maybe she wasn’t organized even when younger) so cut her a bit of slack and just throw on a movie for your kids if she’s late.

[Anonymous]

OP you're a control freak. lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Disagree, OP is not a control freak. I think MIL is using “help” as an excuse to visit the grandkids. She feels she is doing the OP a huge favor so is entitled to show up whenever she pleases. It’s basic respect for another adult’s time. I bet she would never do this to her oh-all-so-important son with the big job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're a control freak. lighten up.

She's not a control freak to want to be able to plan her afternoon rather than sitting around for three hours waiting for MIL to show. Her kids could have had a playdate in that time, gone to the pool, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, while I sympathize with your problem, I don't think there is any way to change her. And unless you want to create some family strife, I don't think you can stop agreeing to the "breaks".

As the saying goes, you can't change others, you can only change how you react to them. The first thing is anytime your MIL schedules something, add 2 hours to it. So, if she is going to come over at noon, you plan for after 2:00pm. The other thing to help you actually get a break is to take your time. If you had planned something that would take four hours, plan that you'll still take four hours, if she shows up at 2:00. Don't cut your break short to 2 hours because she's two hours late. If she is watching the kids and texts you that she needs to leave early, text her back that you'll leave as soon as you can and will text when you are on the way. Then finish what you were doing. The best way to show her how it feels is to return the favor the same way. Then she'll have an idea of what an inconvenience it is for you. She'll either adapt to you being late or will start offering fewer of these "breaks", either of which is a win-win for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

I really don't care what a random unimportant person on the Internet thinks. Because of the way that I am, I don't offer or request things like OP's MIL. I live my life and do things for myself and my children. All of these types of situations are created by people asking me for favors or help. If you ask me for favors or help, you get what you get when you get it. I don't impose my untimed life on others. And I really don't care if people are bothered by it. If you don't want to deal with it, stop asking for my help. Do what you ask me to do for yourself and then you won't be bothered by my poor scheduling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

Yeah this is not ok. If you tell someone you'll be there at noon, you're being rude to push that commitment aside to take on all those other requests.

When you get a boy scout text when you're supposed to be doing something else, you say "Sorry, I'm at work so I can't right now. I'll let ext you after 5." Mom's friend calls you, say " I'm busy until 6, but I can help you then. " This is what everyone does.

Grandma is being disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

I really don't care what a random unimportant person on the Internet thinks. Because of the way that I am, I don't offer or request things like OP's MIL. I live my life and do things for myself and my children. All of these types of situations are created by people asking me for favors or help. If you ask me for favors or help, you get what you get when you get it. I don't impose my untimed life on others. And I really don't care if people are bothered by it. If you don't want to deal with it, stop asking for my help. Do what you ask me to do for yourself and then you won't be bothered by my poor scheduling.

I mean, you don’t have to, but maybe you should? If strangers think it’s rude, surely the people who know you well do, too. Do better.

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound ungrateful, she sounds rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You have ADD, that is your problem.