These “breaks” stress me out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

I really don't care what a random unimportant person on the Internet thinks. Because of the way that I am, I don't offer or request things like OP's MIL. I live my life and do things for myself and my children. All of these types of situations are created by people asking me for favors or help. If you ask me for favors or help, you get what you get when you get it. I don't impose my untimed life on others. And I really don't care if people are bothered by it. If you don't want to deal with it, stop asking for my help. Do what you ask me to do for yourself and then you won't be bothered by my poor scheduling.

DP, you sound like a person unwilling to grow.
You must be a joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're a control freak. lighten up.

She's not a control freak to want to be able to plan her afternoon rather than sitting around for three hours waiting for MIL to show. Her kids could have had a playdate in that time, gone to the pool, etc.

True but grandma isn’t going to be around forever and the world won’t end if the kids don’t get an extra hour of pool time. Cut the old lady some slack.

[Anonymous]

I would set up an errand or appointment I have to do out of the house: “Thank you so much for the break, MiL! Since you’re grabbing the kids at noon, I have a 12:30 haircut/lunch date/paddle board rental/whatever.” When MiL calls last minute, say “Hmm that’s not going to work because I have to leave the house and can’t leave the children unsupervised. I guess I‘ll bring them with me. We’ll have to reschedule.” Keep being unavailable to sit and wait for her. You can also be honest when she calls: “I know that stuff can come up at the last minute, and I certainly relate. It seems like you haven’t been able to make it to our place at 12. Is 2:30 an easier time?”

[Anonymous]

Just drop the kids off at her house. Then she can’t be late.

[Anonymous]

This is my ex. Supposed to get the kids Sunday night. Now it has to be Monday. They don’t have school? I have a job? Nobody cares. I’ve cried I’ve begged I’ve threatened I’ve made calendars. The truth is he’ll never change. Hopefully when they can drive they can deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

I really don't care what a random unimportant person on the Internet thinks. Because of the way that I am, I don't offer or request things like OP's MIL. I live my life and do things for myself and my children. All of these types of situations are created by people asking me for favors or help. If you ask me for favors or help, you get what you get when you get it. I don't impose my untimed life on others. And I really don't care if people are bothered by it. If you don't want to deal with it, stop asking for my help. Do what you ask me to do for yourself and then you won't be bothered by my poor scheduling.

I mean, you don’t have to, but maybe you should? If strangers think it’s rude, surely the people who know you well do, too. Do better.

Again, these are people who ask me for things or impose on my for favors. My response is if it bothers them, then they should find someone else to beg, borrow or ask from. And yet, despite what so many of you say, we still get invited places, we still get included in events, and people still ask for our help. I would happily not do most of these things, but again, I'm a people pleaser and I don't say no to the endless requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You can write three more paragraphs of excuses but it won’t change the fact that you, quite frankly, suck. Do better.

I really don't care what a random unimportant person on the Internet thinks. Because of the way that I am, I don't offer or request things like OP's MIL. I live my life and do things for myself and my children. All of these types of situations are created by people asking me for favors or help. If you ask me for favors or help, you get what you get when you get it. I don't impose my untimed life on others. And I really don't care if people are bothered by it. If you don't want to deal with it, stop asking for my help. Do what you ask me to do for yourself and then you won't be bothered by my poor scheduling.

I mean, you don’t have to, but maybe you should? If strangers think it’s rude, surely the people who know you well do, too. Do better.

Again, these are people who ask me for things or impose on my for favors. My response is if it bothers them, then they should find someone else to beg, borrow or ask from. And yet, despite what so many of you say, we still get invited places, we still get included in events, and people still ask for our help. I would happily not do most of these things, but again, I'm a people pleaser and I don't say no to the endless requests.

Then your situation doesn’t really sound relevant to this thread. OP is complaining about MIL scheduling time with her children then showing up hours late. You’re trying to humble brag about how everyone needs your help and you’re too much of a doormat to say no, but it doesn’t really work because it’s not the kind of thing normal people would brag about, and they’re quite obviously using you. Of course they’re going to throw you a bone and invite you to their bbq on the 4th or their retirement party. They probably need help setting up or need someone to bring a side dish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop them off at her house at noon?

Read the OP's post?

[Anonymous]

Op, allow one change. After that

"Oh, that's too bad. This doesn't work here. Hopefully things will go smoother next time."

Put on a movie for the kids, hand them a snack and take a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…

As someone who often has the types of issues that your MIL has, my problem is that too many people know that I am a people pleaser and that I don't say "no", so many people call and ask me for things and I usually acquiesce. So, I can be planning to do something, but one of the Mom's of my kids' friend will call/text me for something that will just take a minute. Someone in the scout troop will ask if I have a copy of the form for the weekend camping trip, so I'll get on the computer to find it and send it. The head of the PTA will send me a note that the teachers in our grade's classrooms are out of certain supplies, so I'll go and put in an Amazon order for the teachers. Someone from work will ask for something that I can get quickly, even though it is my day off from work. And so on and so on. I do all these one off things for people. This is why during my work days, I typically don't get to my own work until after lunch. My mornings are usually helping other people with things that they need.

And lest you think that this is only because my kids are young and when they are older, it gets easier, pre-kids we were involved in a number of community organizations and volunteer activites, all of whom have half as many volunteers as they need and I was always pegged as the "go to" person. When someone asked what they were supposed to do, many others would say "Ask <me>". What felt like the best thing was when we had kids, I started to say "No, don't have time because of the kids..." I've gotten much better in recent years on my own life, but now, my kids' activities and lives dictate mine. Hopefully when my kids grow older and fledge, I'll get less active, but now that my kids are mildly more independent, many groups that I used to be very active with are already knocking down my door for help and support. I've been good at saying no, but my desire to help people is wearing down since I don't have the excuse that my kids need me as much.

I really admire those who can say "no" easily, but I'm not one of them.

You sound like a friend of mine. She can't be relied on for anything. She's always sidetracked with something. She had agreed to give me a ride to an appointment one day when my vehicle was in for repairs. Three texts of

"Oh I just have to...."
"Leaving in 5...."
"My Dad just phoned..."

After the third I responded with

"Do what you need to, I rebooked."

Op, don't plan on your MIL. Get a babysitter for a real break. Next time MIL can't get it together just say "we'll try again another day" and don't respond after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, allow one change. After that

"Oh, that's too bad. This doesn't work here. Hopefully things will go smoother next time."

Put on a movie for the kids, hand them a snack and take a break.

Its too late for that. This is an established pattern that has never been challenged and is therefore ingrained.

[Anonymous]

If you say it would be easier to just give the kids a movie or whatever, why not just do that on her days and whenever she comes, she comes. I get that it’s not as useful as being able to plan time out of the house for a specific activity at a specific time, but I don’t understand why it’s so incredibly stressful now that you know she is. When there are things that require specific times/planning, get a babysitter for that so you can control it. Consider the time that MIL shows up as just bonus time. Plan things without a defined start time, like taking yourself to a coffee or shopping or the gym, or whatever. How can that not be helpful, even if you can’t predetermine the exact time it will begin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, allow one change. After that

"Oh, that's too bad. This doesn't work here. Hopefully things will go smoother next time."

Put on a movie for the kids, hand them a snack and take a break.

Its too late for that. This is an established pattern that has never been challenged and is therefore ingrained.

Are you OP? What are you going to do then, just put up with it?

"Oh, gee Mary. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe things will go smoother next time. Have to go now, bye!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're a control freak. lighten up.

She's not a control freak to want to be able to plan her afternoon rather than sitting around for three hours waiting for MIL to show. Her kids could have had a playdate in that time, gone to the pool, etc.

True but grandma isn’t going to be around forever and the world won’t end if the kids don’t get an extra hour of pool time. Cut the old lady some slack.

I am 39 and my grandmother just died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would set up an errand or appointment I have to do out of the house: “Thank you so much for the break, MiL! Since you’re grabbing the kids at noon, I have a 12:30 haircut/lunch date/paddle board rental/whatever.” When MiL calls last minute, say “Hmm that’s not going to work because I have to leave the house and can’t leave the children unsupervised. I guess I‘ll bring them with me. We’ll have to reschedule.” Keep being unavailable to sit and wait for her. You can also be honest when she calls: “I know that stuff can come up at the last minute, and I certainly relate. It seems like you haven’t been able to make it to our place at 12. Is 2:30 an easier time?”

This.