These “breaks” stress me out!

[Anonymous]

My husband works a lot and about once a month my MIL comes and gives me a “break”. This is going to sound horribly ungrateful, and I don’t mean it to. Please bear with me! Honestly, these “breaks” cause me more stress than if I just had my kids here and occupied them with a movie and junk food.

This is how it goes. She will ask me if she can get them around noon. I say fine. The day comes and she will text and ask if 1230 is ok. Fine. Then five minutes before 1230, some emergency will happen and she will push it back to 2…no clue how she has so many predictable and convenient “emergencies” but anyway…2 comes and she will say she’s now in her car and headed over. So what was 12 is now 230. Every single time. Sometimes it is even later, or earlier, but never on time and I never know when she will roll in. And before you suggest I drive them to her, not only does it defeat the purpose of these “breaks”, but the same thing happens, she will keep calling to tell me she’s not ready.

And she will complain to my husband if too long goes between these visits! I oblige her because DH works so much and I SAH right now. But my stress levels are through the roof leading up to and especially on the day of. I want the breaks, I do, but not at the cost of my sanity. I’d just as easily put on a movie and give them chocolates for two hours to get things done.

Please help me. How can I overcome this mentally or is it ok to say no more?

[Anonymous]

Ah yes, I am surrounded by people like that, both friends and relatives.

I've had to roll with it. Occupy the kids. Maybe Grandma comes, maybe she won't come, who knows when she'll come. Here's something to do in the meantime. And if she arrives when you've gone out, well, it's HER fault, isn't it? And when she takes them, and you are free to do whatever, well, maybe you go out with friends and not look too hard at the clock...

[Anonymous]

I would go out and about with my day. She can text you when she gets at the house. If she has to wait that is on her.

[Anonymous]

If the only issue is that she isn't timely, put a movie on for the kids and busy yourself until she does show up. First text she sends that she is late, reply, "okay, thanks for update. I won't be checking my phone for several hours busy with (whatever). see you when you get here.". Then ignore her texts.

[Anonymous]

SO STRESSFUL. I'd hate that too.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all, OP. That's really inconsiderate of your MIL, especially since she complains if she doesn't get to schedule these as suits her.

Since it's your MIL, I'd say have your DH tell her she needs to shape up and either be on time or risk having these put to an end. It does sound like your just putting the kids in front of a movie would be less stressful for you as a way to catch a break - what you describe would also completely drive me nuts.

If your DH can't/won't do that, and you do want to continue the arrangement (or figure the blowback isn't worth messing with it), honestly I think your best bet is to just resign yourself to the fact that this is how it is. I know for me, frustration is worst when I keep thinking to myself that somehow things will change. Giving up the idea of the preferred scenario entirely at least comes with its own kind of peace!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's not considerate of people's time. Just mentally add 2 hours to whatever ETA she gives and still take the extra help.

Other than the time thing, I find my mom's presence grating even though I appreciate the free and loving babysitting -- what helps me is to get out of the house when she's here watching my child.

[Anonymous]

It would drive me nuts too. What would happen if you tell her you're meeting a friend/having a massage/whatever an hour after she's supposed to be there? Would that give her a "deadline" she could adhere to?

[Anonymous]

Drop them off at her house at noon?

[Anonymous]

I think there are three strategies:

1. Cut this back to every 6-8 weeks.
2. Tell her each time, we will be out and about. But call when you are in the way and we will head home.
3. “Oh you can’t get here until 2, we’ll this won’t work this week. Let’s try again in a few weeks.

I would mix and match these strategies a bit.

[Anonymous]

That would upset me too, because I'd plan the morning around her coming at a certain time- for example we'd come home from the park to eat lunch and wash up before she comes, but now she is delayed 30min and another 30min and another 30min and it's not long enough of a block for you to actually do something else with the kids - it's forcing you guys into a holding pattern for a few hours.

Maybe come back at noon, put on a movie for the kids, and say they can watch the movie until grandma comes because grandma usually runs pretty late. And if she comes when the movie hasn't ended yet, they can watch the rest when they get back home.

And if the movie ends and grandma isn't here yet, i'd probably just take the kids and head to the pool or something and say, sorry, we couldn't stay at the house in a holding pattern waiting for you for over 2.5 hours on this lovely day.

[Anonymous]

NTA. This is extremely annoying. A family member just did it to me several days ago, making the kids wait hours and hours and I am still dealing with an off schedule toddler whose sleep routine is now shot to hell until I can get him back on schedule. Two hours of sleep for me last night.

[Anonymous]

I have family members that are also flakey. While they have good intentions, I have learned to say no thank you. If I must deal with them, I add on lots of time to buffer or pin them down specifically so that they ended up giving up.

[Anonymous]

“That will only be helpful if I can rely on you to show up at the planned time. If you can’t show up within 10 minutes of the planned time, please do not bother coming over. It’s not helpful for me to get multiple text changing the time, and having to move everything around to the new time.” Just be direct and tell her to either be reliable or forget it. I don’t cater to flaky people.

[Anonymous]

To the PPs who think this person can change: she can't. I am surrounded by people like that, and when I put my foot down, they can with great effort be on time a couple of times, but not consistently, because they have ADHD, or something else, and they just can't. So I've taken to going about my day. If they come, they come.