Partner (DH) who can't hack it AND is disrespectful

[Anonymous]

I will never understand why women have children with a man who isn't good enough to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh, sorry you're getting the fully expected "poor guy" posts. People here love to blame OPs for whatever shortcomings the OPs talk about in their partners.

Can I ask, if a separation has been "years in the making" and you are not married -- so you don't have to go through a divorce process -- why haven't you split up with him yet? Is there a concern re: your child, finances, whether he'll pay child support, etc.? Is there an element of loving him on some levels so it's not as easy as just telling him it's over, and you're (understandably!) venting here but not quite ready to split? Are you waiting for the house sale to go through first so you and your child can move to the new house, but you plan to break up with him as soon as the house is a done deal? I ask because I"m not clear why you're still with him -- BUT we can't know how your child's attachment to him figures into this, or how your finances or your own feelings figure into it.

If you are concerned about the effect on your kid if you split, have you talked to a counselor about how to approach this with your child? Would your move to the new house create issues with your child re: school location, traveling between you and your ex if there's shared custody or visitation etc. --? I'm not clear if your child is yours or yours and his together.

You mention that you're buying the house with zero financial help from him, right? Do you plan for it to be 100 percent in your name only? If he can't see that that's a sign you are leaving, he's not paying attention. But I'd get some legal advice on whether he has any rights at all to your assets if you break up -- I don't know at all what the legal issues are here or whether you'd be considered common law spouses but it's always worth checking with an experienced lawyer. In your shoes, I'd check with a lawyer, NOT ask partner for any $ or paperwork help on a new house (so he can't say he had anything to do with it) and get advice too on what the custody issues etc. could be, if your child is also his. And then I'd break up, timing based on any potential legalities with the house.

There isn’t any such thing as “accidentally” becoming a common law spouse. This only exists in a few places and the criteria is really strict.

Where did I say in that post that they were "accidentally" common law spouses? Nowhere. What an odd thing to pick up on and criticize.

We don't know where they live, what the laws are where they live, how long they've been together or whether they fit the criteria.

I only said that if they are indeed common law spouses, OP has to account for that if she decides to break up with him because it will possibly give him some rights she might not have considered yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't buy a house with him before a divorce - he's going to get half your assets and then you'll be stretched too thin keeping the house. Divorce first, then buy based on your new financial situation.

This is the best advice of this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rough time. He is very aware of your contempt for him and that causes him to retreat further.
I think I recognize your writing, you’ve been on here before with similar complaints, am I right?

Ha, maybe it was me, maybe there are a lot of us.

So to the immediate prior PP, we are not actually married so I am not worried about the asset piece. But thank you for the advice.

So why do you refer to him as your husband/DH and say that you married him?

Something seems off about this/OP.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rough time. He is very aware of your contempt for him and that causes him to retreat further.
I think I recognize your writing, you’ve been on here before with similar complaints, am I right?

Ha, maybe it was me, maybe there are a lot of us.

So to the immediate prior PP, we are not actually married so I am not worried about the asset piece. But thank you for the advice.

You call him DH and say “don’t ask why I married him”. I don’t understand.

DH is a general term to mean husband. It doesn’t literally have to mean Dear Husband. I think you know this and are probably just as exhausting to be around in person.

Huh? I’m asking because in a follow up post OP said they were not married. Has nothing to do with the “dear” part.

[Anonymous]

You’re not even married? Cut him loose and go live your life.

[Anonymous]

Why has a “separation” been in the works for years with someone you are not married to/financially linked to? Sorry, it just doesn’t make sense. It would be so easy to cut and run if he’s that awful. All you have to do is figure out child support and custody. It’s so much simpler than actually being married.

[Anonymous]

I have been there. IME, my anger was related to think fact that I thought DH would get it at some point and change his ways. Once I realized that was never going to happen, I started acting like a single parent and doing everything myself or asking other reliable people for help or paid out-sourcing. I grey-rocked DH and really only interacted politely and superficially. All this made life 100% less stressful.

Of course, it made me lose all respect foe DH and any sexual interest I used to have pretty much disappeared. I did nog want to have sex with a man-baby. Eventually I asked him to move out.

[Anonymous]

You fools. OP is trolling you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

most men aren’t as bad as this guy. but research shows consistently that women do a lot more household/family labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rough time. He is very aware of your contempt for him and that causes him to retreat further.
I think I recognize your writing, you’ve been on here before with similar complaints, am I right?

Ha, maybe it was me, maybe there are a lot of us.

So to the immediate prior PP, we are not actually married so I am not worried about the asset piece. But thank you for the advice.

So why do you refer to him as your husband/DH and say that you married him?

Something seems off about this/OP.

DP. I often refer to my unmarried coparent as “DH” on here because it’s easier to write. “Boyfriend” sounds wrong and “partner” masks gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been there. IME, my anger was related to think fact that I thought DH would get it at some point and change his ways. Once I realized that was never going to happen, I started acting like a single parent and doing everything myself or asking other reliable people for help or paid out-sourcing. I grey-rocked DH and really only interacted politely and superficially. All this made life 100% less stressful.

Of course, it made me lose all respect foe DH and any sexual interest I used to have pretty much disappeared. I did nog want to have sex with a man-baby. Eventually I asked him to move out.

This is where we are headed. I try the grey-rock/never reply on him/wait for him to catch up and it hasn't happened. I have a lot of help in other ways and can generally tread water without his assistance in most ways but then there are times when I get tipped over the edge and he manages to ADD to my plate rather than step up. No interest sexually and will eventually likely let him loose.

Trying to ignore all of the previous rude comments. But if you have kids (and married or not...sorry for confusing those - my first post should have said: "don't ask why I had a kid with him") the story is always more complicated and working things out is often the route we pursue.

Thank you for the helpful responses.

[Anonymous]

rely* not reply

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

Same. Where is everyone finding these lazy men?