Partner (DH) who can't hack it AND is disrespectful

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sorry you're getting the fully expected "poor guy" posts. People here love to blame OPs for whatever shortcomings the OPs talk about in their partners.

Can I ask, if a separation has been "years in the making" and you are not married -- so you don't have to go through a divorce process -- why haven't you split up with him yet? Is there a concern re: your child, finances, whether he'll pay child support, etc.? Is there an element of loving him on some levels so it's not as easy as just telling him it's over, and you're (understandably!) venting here but not quite ready to split? Are you waiting for the house sale to go through first so you and your child can move to the new house, but you plan to break up with him as soon as the house is a done deal? I ask because I"m not clear why you're still with him -- BUT we can't know how your child's attachment to him figures into this, or how your finances or your own feelings figure into it.

If you are concerned about the effect on your kid if you split, have you talked to a counselor about how to approach this with your child? Would your move to the new house create issues with your child re: school location, traveling between you and your ex if there's shared custody or visitation etc. --? I'm not clear if your child is yours or yours and his together.

You mention that you're buying the house with zero financial help from him, right? Do you plan for it to be 100 percent in your name only? If he can't see that that's a sign you are leaving, he's not paying attention. But I'd get some legal advice on whether he has any rights at all to your assets if you break up -- I don't know at all what the legal issues are here or whether you'd be considered common law spouses but it's always worth checking with an experienced lawyer. In your shoes, I'd check with a lawyer, NOT ask partner for any $ or paperwork help on a new house (so he can't say he had anything to do with it) and get advice too on what the custody issues etc. could be, if your child is also his. And then I'd break up, timing based on any potential legalities with the house.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most of them are not like this, silly. PRobably the same proportion as women who make lazy/shitty moms. In fact, the underachieving woman is a lot more common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh, sorry you're getting the fully expected "poor guy" posts. People here love to blame OPs for whatever shortcomings the OPs talk about in their partners.

Can I ask, if a separation has been "years in the making" and you are not married -- so you don't have to go through a divorce process -- why haven't you split up with him yet? Is there a concern re: your child, finances, whether he'll pay child support, etc.? Is there an element of loving him on some levels so it's not as easy as just telling him it's over, and you're (understandably!) venting here but not quite ready to split? Are you waiting for the house sale to go through first so you and your child can move to the new house, but you plan to break up with him as soon as the house is a done deal? I ask because I"m not clear why you're still with him -- BUT we can't know how your child's attachment to him figures into this, or how your finances or your own feelings figure into it.

If you are concerned about the effect on your kid if you split, have you talked to a counselor about how to approach this with your child? Would your move to the new house create issues with your child re: school location, traveling between you and your ex if there's shared custody or visitation etc. --? I'm not clear if your child is yours or yours and his together.

You mention that you're buying the house with zero financial help from him, right? Do you plan for it to be 100 percent in your name only? If he can't see that that's a sign you are leaving, he's not paying attention. But I'd get some legal advice on whether he has any rights at all to your assets if you break up -- I don't know at all what the legal issues are here or whether you'd be considered common law spouses but it's always worth checking with an experienced lawyer. In your shoes, I'd check with a lawyer, NOT ask partner for any $ or paperwork help on a new house (so he can't say he had anything to do with it) and get advice too on what the custody issues etc. could be, if your child is also his. And then I'd break up, timing based on any potential legalities with the house.

There isn’t any such thing as “accidentally” becoming a common law spouse. This only exists in a few places and the criteria is really strict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

Yeah, I don't get this either. Two people in a partnership will have different strengths and weaknesses, but if you have all the strengths and your partner has all the weaknesses, what kind of partnership is that?

So maybe your DH won't be strong in some area that you're strong in, but he'll make up for it by complementing you in other ways. If he's just a dead weight in every area, you have every right to feel bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

Yeah, I don't get this either. Two people in a partnership will have different strengths and weaknesses, but if you have all the strengths and your partner has all the weaknesses, what kind of partnership is that?

So maybe your DH won't be strong in some area that you're strong in, but he'll make up for it by complementing you in other ways. If he's just a dead weight in every area, you have every right to feel bitter.

This is very helpful and comforting. Thank you. (not with a sarcastic tone)

I appreciate that there are some very helpful pieces of advice on here (and some less so).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he knows you will criticize and point out deficiencies it would only make him more reluctant to take things on, back off a bit and be OK with 40-50% for a while and you’ll see that things will greatly improve.
Although it shouldn’t be this is a management issue, back off, let him get up to speed and you’ll have a real partner but huffing and taking tasks away from him isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Yea, I do certainly recognize my own deficiencies of course including most namely the pattern of criticizing and then subsequently him pulling away. I definitely have tried this approach and it is disappointing that he just never can get up to speed, step up or get close to being the partner that anyone would want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh, sorry you're getting the fully expected "poor guy" posts. People here love to blame OPs for whatever shortcomings the OPs talk about in their partners.

Can I ask, if a separation has been "years in the making" and you are not married -- so you don't have to go through a divorce process -- why haven't you split up with him yet? Is there a concern re: your child, finances, whether he'll pay child support, etc.? Is there an element of loving him on some levels so it's not as easy as just telling him it's over, and you're (understandably!) venting here but not quite ready to split? Are you waiting for the house sale to go through first so you and your child can move to the new house, but you plan to break up with him as soon as the house is a done deal? I ask because I"m not clear why you're still with him -- BUT we can't know how your child's attachment to him figures into this, or how your finances or your own feelings figure into it.

If you are concerned about the effect on your kid if you split, have you talked to a counselor about how to approach this with your child? Would your move to the new house create issues with your child re: school location, traveling between you and your ex if there's shared custody or visitation etc. --? I'm not clear if your child is yours or yours and his together.

You mention that you're buying the house with zero financial help from him, right? Do you plan for it to be 100 percent in your name only? If he can't see that that's a sign you are leaving, he's not paying attention. But I'd get some legal advice on whether he has any rights at all to your assets if you break up -- I don't know at all what the legal issues are here or whether you'd be considered common law spouses but it's always worth checking with an experienced lawyer. In your shoes, I'd check with a lawyer, NOT ask partner for any $ or paperwork help on a new house (so he can't say he had anything to do with it) and get advice too on what the custody issues etc. could be, if your child is also his. And then I'd break up, timing based on any potential legalities with the house.

This is helpful. Thanks. Very thoughtful questions here and ofc I won't be writing out these answers/details on an anonymous internet board but they have helped me think about this more logically and less on the emotional level where I was when I wrote this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rough time. He is very aware of your contempt for him and that causes him to retreat further.
I think I recognize your writing, you’ve been on here before with similar complaints, am I right?

Ha, maybe it was me, maybe there are a lot of us.

So to the immediate prior PP, we are not actually married so I am not worried about the asset piece. But thank you for the advice.

You call him DH and say “don’t ask why I married him”. I don’t understand.

DH is a general term to mean husband. It doesn’t literally have to mean Dear Husband. I think you know this and are probably just as exhausting to be around in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, most of them are like this, and you can’t really predict it ahead of time (before marriage) IMO. You are asking things if him that is not capable or willing to do.

Hire out everything you can, and lean on friends/family, not him.

Arguing about it won’t do any good. He won’t change.

Most men aren't like this. Is that something people tell themselves to feel better about their situation? Because it just isn't true, at least not in any of my circles (work, neighborhood, kids' school, older friends).

It's not true anywhere. I would say that most men are generally more selfish than women. But OP's spouse is in a different category of his own, if everything OP says is true. Most men are not this bad. It's annoying when people say this because it can lead younger women to lowering their standards and ending up with complete losers.

There is one man in my circle who is like this. 1 out of like 100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a rough time. He is very aware of your contempt for him and that causes him to retreat further.
I think I recognize your writing, you’ve been on here before with similar complaints, am I right?

Ha, maybe it was me, maybe there are a lot of us.

So to the immediate prior PP, we are not actually married so I am not worried about the asset piece. But thank you for the advice.

You call him DH and say “don’t ask why I married him”. I don’t understand.

DH is a general term to mean husband. It doesn’t literally have to mean Dear Husband. I think you know this and are probably just as exhausting to be around in person.

You misunderstood the PP. PP's point is that OP mentioned that they are not really married, whatever that means. So he is not OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just here to vent. Long story short, DH is woefully inadequate in every department (please don't lecture on "why did you marry him - we are beyond that"). The weight of parenting, breadwinning, running the household, scheduling social events, and other big adult responsibilities fall on me.

So not only is DH unable to recognize that I DO IT ALL, he also has no ability to support me or DC emotionally. Recently, I have been extra stressed with additional balls in the air related to work, finances (buying a house without any help financially from DH nor any assistance with paperwork, etc) and kid's end-of-the-year stuff. Instead of trying to support me, DH decides it is a good idea to tell me I am "acting crazy" and talk to him too much about my problems. Would that push you over the edge? Because it did for me and I exploded at him - which I suppose proved his point that I was acting crazed.

Please no lectures here, thanks, I just needed a vent. And yes, a separation is in the making for years now in case you were curious.

ManChild. Get out and end it, especially if you don’t have kids to protect.

[Anonymous]

OP, may I ask your profession and his?
If you can afford it, why not get help with the kid stuff and cleaning/cooking/laundry...etc
That way you have some time to breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he knows you will criticize and point out deficiencies it would only make him more reluctant to take things on, back off a bit and be OK with 40-50% for a while and you’ll see that things will greatly improve.
Although it shouldn’t be this is a management issue, back off, let him get up to speed and you’ll have a real partner but huffing and taking tasks away from him isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Move then blaming someone else for your own shortcomings and deficiencies. And don’t dare point out one that you all are suffering from and needs fixing asap. Oh no, can’t do that. Instead just silently suffer and fix the messes and mishaps he made. Like his mother did.