Wife asks for advice and then gets annoyed with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Provide some examples of how you’re being “supportive.”

If you think it’s as easy as merely saying, “I support whatever your decide, c y later,” think again.

This is a big family decision. Bust out the budget forecasts, 5 and 10 and 20 year goals, understand her field and what she’s giving up if going PT or stepping out or not, same for yours, help her find other people who did the same big decision for any similarities, etc.

Telling a child or teen of spouse “do whatever” is not offering advice. Where’s the advice OP?

Advice is the wise old elder (or a decision making process at work) that helps one think through options, weight values and goals, and arrive at a clear answer. And know that you can change your mind again later and here’s how.

What frickin advice can he give her? She knows her job, her career trajectory their finances. etc. The only processing that needs to be done is the process of her making a decision.

Wow. I’m pretty sure any friend or child or relative would never ask you for any thoughts again if this is your piss poor attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Provide some examples of how you’re being “supportive.”

If you think it’s as easy as merely saying, “I support whatever your decide, c y later,” think again.

This is a big family decision. Bust out the budget forecasts, 5 and 10 and 20 year goals, understand her field and what she’s giving up if going PT or stepping out or not, same for yours, help her find other people who did the same big decision for any similarities, etc.

Telling a child or teen of spouse “do whatever” is not offering advice. Where’s the advice OP?

Advice is the wise old elder (or a decision making process at work) that helps one think through options, weight values and goals, and arrive at a clear answer. And know that you can change your mind again later and here’s how.

What frickin advice can he give her? She knows her job, her career trajectory their finances. etc. The only processing that needs to be done is the process of her making a decision.

Are we oh really so stunted as a person that you are incapable of seeing someone else’s perspective, trying to put yourself in their shoes, or even just contemplate an issue that doesn’t fall cleanly within your loved experiences?

Honestly, I feel sad for you if you are that incapable of normal human connections. Is there anyone who care about?

As do I. Maybe that poster has autism. Hope he’s not the OP. He’s in for a world for hurt with a wife and kid he will no doubt continue to ignore and dump decision and responsibilities on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you both decide when to have a child? Whenever?

How did you decide what neighborhood to buy or rent and live in ? Whatever?

How did you decide to even get married? Whatever, I’m 30 now?

How do you process $hit?

The sound….of silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Well, quitting makes it more difficult to go back to that same job and position. But could work. Or take a sabbatical.

Getting a nanny or day care and then going back to work and re-evaluating after a few months has optionality. You can still quit or stay or go Pt or find a new job entirely.

Also. Never make big decisions when tired.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer the questions

We had a big talk about this twice. We didn’t have to run numbers because I make more than enough for her to stay home and we have saved most of her salary before having having a child. We have talked about various options, how long she would want to stay at how, what kind of care she is most comfortable having, etc. She would in ideal world work PT ( 3 days a week) and have a nanny, but she is in direct contact with patients all day - NP - working in minute clinic seeing all types of Illness, and she also worries that we will not be able to find a PT nanny. We had two friends who did something similar and they couldn’t keep a PT nanny. My wife doesn’t want to put our baby in daycare, and the daycares we have looked into, all require certain PT days that may not work with her schedule. She had talked about quitting her job or extending her maternity to 4 or 6 months, but she does worry she will miss having adult interaction.

I told her that the decision is up to her. I’m comfortable with whatever she wants to do - staying home, working PT, taking an extended maternity leave, etc. We have had smaller talks about it since and she expects me to make the decision for her. She gets annoyed when I tell her I can’t decide what she feels is best for her. I don’t want her to feel like I’m making the choice and telling her she needs to go back to work or that she needs to stay home. She needs to be happy with the choice she makes and decides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop saying “I can’t decide for you.” The first word in that sentence is I. The second sentence after that, “I don’t want to take away your choice to work” also starts with I. While she is talking about her feelings and worries, you are talking about yours. That feels frustrating.

Sounds like what she needs is empathetic listening. Someone who can try to reflect back what she feels. She’s feeling alone in this, and very torn. Maybe you’ve seen the cartoon — sympathy is, so sorry you’re down in that hole! Empathy is, Let me get down in there with you.

Just be there with her. And reassure her nothing is forever, and she knows in her heart what is right. That she and the baby have their whole life to bond. That she’s an amazing mom and doctor and she has the right to feel whole in her decision.

Did you read this advice OP? You need to stop saying what annoys her.

[Anonymous]

Nursing or PAs can get a job anytime or anywhere, as long as licensed in that state or region. It would be tempting to take a couple years off if she wanted. She’d find other mom adults to hang out with and get social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop saying “I can’t decide for you.” The first word in that sentence is I. The second sentence after that, “I don’t want to take away your choice to work” also starts with I. While she is talking about her feelings and worries, you are talking about yours. That feels frustrating.

Sounds like what she needs is empathetic listening. Someone who can try to reflect back what she feels. She’s feeling alone in this, and very torn. Maybe you’ve seen the cartoon — sympathy is, so sorry you’re down in that hole! Empathy is, Let me get down in there with you.

Just be there with her. And reassure her nothing is forever, and she knows in her heart what is right. That she and the baby have their whole life to bond. That she’s an amazing mom and doctor and she has the right to feel whole in her decision.

Did you read this advice OP? You need to stop saying what annoys her.

OP here. I’ve tried doing this and my wife will make a decision and then later start back up on the conversation. She is very indecisive about most things and can’t make a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer the questions

We had a big talk about this twice. We didn’t have to run numbers because I make more than enough for her to stay home and we have saved most of her salary before having having a child. We have talked about various options, how long she would want to stay at how, what kind of care she is most comfortable having, etc. She would in ideal world work PT ( 3 days a week) and have a nanny, but she is in direct contact with patients all day - NP - working in minute clinic seeing all types of Illness, and she also worries that we will not be able to find a PT nanny. We had two friends who did something similar and they couldn’t keep a PT nanny. My wife doesn’t want to put our baby in daycare, and the daycares we have looked into, all require certain PT days that may not work with her schedule. She had talked about quitting her job or extending her maternity to 4 or 6 months, but she does worry she will miss having adult interaction.

I told her that the decision is up to her. I’m comfortable with whatever she wants to do - staying home, working PT, taking an extended maternity leave, etc. We have had smaller talks about it since and she expects me to make the decision for her. She gets annoyed when I tell her I can’t decide what she feels is best for her. I don’t want her to feel like I’m making the choice and telling her she needs to go back to work or that she needs to stay home. She needs to be happy with the choice she makes and decides.

It is very early for her to be making this decision, because she is still recovering from childbirth whether she realizes it or not. She may be struggling with this decision in part because she's exhausted and still processing all of the postpartum hormonal changes and emotions. Giving herself permission to take another couple of months might make the decision much easier.

As for adult interaction, has she tried looking into local parenting groups or a PACE group? Finding a group of adults who are going through similar things with adjusting to being a new parent might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

That doesn’t mean anything. Waking up during the night can be exhausting. She is probably not getting as much sleep as you thinks she is. It can be exhausting to rock, breastfeed, and put a baby to sleep multiple times in the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

That doesn’t mean anything. Waking up during the night can be exhausting. She is probably not getting as much sleep as you thinks she is. It can be exhausting to rock, breastfeed, and put a baby to sleep multiple times in the night.

OP here. He was sleeping 4-5 hours and then another 4 hour stretch by 1 month old. He has been sleeping an 8 hour stretch and a 3 hour stretch for about a couple of weeks now. She gets plenty of sleep. We start the bedtime routine at 7 with her giving him a bath ( while I clean up from dinner) and then I take over with a bottle and put him to sleep. He goes to bed at 8 and I give him a dreamfeed around 10/10:30. My wife is usually in bed by 10pm. She sleeps until 7am when he wakes up. Often times I will feed him if she stayed up late and needs to sleep in. We have the Snoo and he goes down right away and we don’t have to rock him or anything. He sleeps 11- 7 without waking up.