Wife asks for advice and then gets annoyed with me
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Anonymous
| My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help! |
Anonymous
| Have you talked through the issue with her substantively? Laid out the pros and cons of each option? Talked about what her priorities are and how they compare to each option? There is a lot you can do to help her make this decision between the extremes of telling her what to do and telling her to figure it out for herself. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you’re not giving her advice though? Maybe ask her questions to help her process all the thoughts, emotions, and transition. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure she really wants advice? Sometimes I just want those in my life to listen and be supportive, but often some of them try to jump in and “fix “which although the intent is good, not what I’m needing. |
Anonymous
Did she actually ask for your advice? If so, did you actually give one to her? Is that what you thought what she should do or what you thought she wanted to hear from you? Can't believe you fell for that trap. |
Anonymous
| If working PT is an option, that would be ideal. She can still decide if she should take a break from career to SAHM or go with outsourcing the care. Or stick with PT so she can still do both. |
Anonymous
| How old is your baby? Can you afford her to stay home or FT nanny/daycare? |
Anonymous
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OP here. A little more info. We have a two month old ( born in early March) and she first talked about extending her maternity leave from 3 months to 4 months and then 6 months. Then she talked about maybe going back PT or quitting. We are an older couple and plan to have start trying for the second child at 1 year.
My wife works in healthcare and I know she is worried about being in close contact with patients with a little one at home. I know she loves her jobs and PT would be the best of both worlds, but finding a nanny who can stay with us longterm or a daycare willing to do PT will be tough. We can afford for her to stay home and daycare/nanny. We had a serious discussion about it a month ago and I told her it was her choice because I don’t want to feel like my decision is forcing her to stay home or work. I want her to do what she thinks is best without her feeling like i have a strong desire for any of the options. I don’t care what she decides to do as long as she is happy and comfortable with it. We have talked about it since then and she gets annoyed that I tell her it’s her decision and I’m fine with whatever she wants to do. |
Anonymous
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I'm laughing right now because your wife sounds exactly like me when I had a two-month old! The lack of sleep and feeling like my life was changing so much and feeling like there were no perfect ways forward make it so hard to make any decisions, and yeah I did get unreasonably irritated with my husband once or twice.
You're getting some good advice, but just keep in mind that this isn't going to last forever. And whatever decision she makes doesn't' have to be permanent; sometimes people discover what they really want when they move forward with a decision and then realize it isn't working for them. Don't take what your wife is saying personally, just remember that what she probably needs most right now is empathy with how sucky her situation is. And it is really sucky. |
Anonymous
Could you afford to pay for full-time childcare if she’s working part-time, even as a temporary measure? That would make it easier to secure reliable childcare and would give her to flexibility to start back part-time if she wants and the move back to full-time if that ends up being her preference. |
Anonymous
| Are their external pressures? I was like that. My parents/sibling (sibling has no kid and parents have never babysat despite living very close) pressured me to going back to work and looked down on me for not going back so it was a big decision and really strained our relationship (still strained many years later). Thankful for the choice but it had other consequences. |
Anonymous
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How do some of you get through your lives as adult been?
His wife is not a child. She needs to stop acting like one. |
Anonymous
She is struggling with a tough decision and is looking for some help and support from her partner. Marriage isn’t a business transaction, it’s a partnership that’s supposed be based on mutual love, respect, and caring about each others’ well-being. |
Anonymous
| Honestly this is why women need longer maternity leaves. Because for so many women (not all), it is just nearly impossible to have clarity and make decisions. There are still so many hormones leaving one’s body. I would say her frustration toward you is not personal. Maybe it would help to validate her lack of clarity and say something like “it makes total sense that this is a hard decision for you. So much has happened and you are handling it so well. I know it’s not easy. I wish I had better advice. I am here for you though and just want you to know whatever you decide you can see how it goes and we can always regroup.” Something like that. |
Anonymous
^pardon, I mean so hard to make decisions so early on after child birth |