Wife asks for advice and then gets annoyed with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do some of you get through your lives as adult been?

His wife is not a child. She needs to stop acting like one.

She is struggling with a tough decision and is looking for some help and support from her partner. Marriage isn’t a business transaction, it’s a partnership that’s supposed be based on mutual love, respect, and caring about each others’ well-being.

Bo it's not I. Marriage also isn't for infants. She's completely out of line for expecting her husband to make this choice for her and then getting mad at him when he won't.

You and others are wrong for telling op he needs to tell her what to do and excusing her ridiculous behavior

[Anonymous]

Anyway Op you just reiterate that you can't decide for her that you've okay with whatever she decides even if she changes her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do some of you get through your lives as adult been?

His wife is not a child. She needs to stop acting like one.

She is struggling with a tough decision and is looking for some help and support from her partner. Marriage isn’t a business transaction, it’s a partnership that’s supposed be based on mutual love, respect, and caring about each others’ well-being.

Bo it's not I. Marriage also isn't for infants. She's completely out of line for expecting her husband to make this choice for her and then getting mad at him when he won't.

You and others are wrong for telling op he needs to tell her what to do and excusing her ridiculous behavior

She is not asking him to tell her what to do, nor is anyone else. We are saying he should engage in actual conversation with her about how she feels about her options and the pros and cons of each to help her make a decision for herself.

This is not too much ask from a close personal relationship like a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyway Op you just reiterate that you can't decide for her that you've okay with whatever she decides even if she changes her mind.

Are you actually married? Do you have any close friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Provide some examples of how you’re being “supportive.”

If you think it’s as easy as merely saying, “I support whatever your decide, c y later,” think again.

This is a big family decision. Bust out the budget forecasts, 5 and 10 and 20 year goals, understand her field and what she’s giving up if going PT or stepping out or not, same for yours, help her find other people who did the same big decision for any similarities, etc.

Telling a child or teen of spouse “do whatever” is not offering advice. Where’s the advice OP?

Advice is the wise old elder (or a decision making process at work) that helps one think through options, weight values and goals, and arrive at a clear answer. And know that you can change your mind again later and here’s how.

[Anonymous]

How did you both decide when to have a child? Whenever?

How did you decide what neighborhood to buy or rent and live in ? Whatever?

How did you decide to even get married? Whatever, I’m 30 now?

How do you process $hit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do some of you get through your lives as adult been?

His wife is not a child. She needs to stop acting like one.

She is struggling with a tough decision and is looking for some help and support from her partner. Marriage isn’t a business transaction, it’s a partnership that’s supposed be based on mutual love, respect, and caring about each others’ well-being.

Bo it's not I. Marriage also isn't for infants. She's completely out of line for expecting her husband to make this choice for her and then getting mad at him when he won't.

You and others are wrong for telling op he needs to tell her what to do and excusing her ridiculous behavior

She is not asking him to tell her what to do, nor is anyone else. We are saying he should engage in actual conversation with her about how she feels about her options and the pros and cons of each to help her make a decision for herself.

This is not too much ask from a close personal relationship like a marriage.

Oh so that processing BS you infantile women of aDCIM like to engage in. Per op. They have had conversations. She knows his position. She knows her options. She needs to pick something and stop acting like a damn little girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Provide some examples of how you’re being “supportive.”

If you think it’s as easy as merely saying, “I support whatever your decide, c y later,” think again.

This is a big family decision. Bust out the budget forecasts, 5 and 10 and 20 year goals, understand her field and what she’s giving up if going PT or stepping out or not, same for yours, help her find other people who did the same big decision for any similarities, etc.

Telling a child or teen of spouse “do whatever” is not offering advice. Where’s the advice OP?

Advice is the wise old elder (or a decision making process at work) that helps one think through options, weight values and goals, and arrive at a clear answer. And know that you can change your mind again later and here’s how.

What frickin advice can he give her? She knows her job, her career trajectory their finances. etc. The only processing that needs to be done is the process of her making a decision.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Don't take it personal. She is debating out loud bouncing off of you to gut check each option.

[Anonymous]

Take it from someone who is older: there are different types of questions/discussions. Some are “I need help thinking through this”, others are “I already know what I think and I need you to take my side”, and others are “I just need to vent though it’s coming across as a question”. Knowing which of these the conversations falls into determines how you can be more helpful as a partner. A question is rarely just a questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I had a baby and she is all over the place about what she wants. She switches from working PT, quitting her job and staying home, or doing daycare/nanny FT. We have about a month to decide and she still hasn’t come to a decision. I know it’s super hard to her - I try to be as supportive as possible, but I’m limited in what I can do because it’s her decision. She looks to me for advice and gets annoyed when I give her the same response - she can do whatever she feels is right for her. I can’t make a decision for her and I feel like we keep circling the same topic over and over. Help!

Provide some examples of how you’re being “supportive.”

If you think it’s as easy as merely saying, “I support whatever your decide, c y later,” think again.

This is a big family decision. Bust out the budget forecasts, 5 and 10 and 20 year goals, understand her field and what she’s giving up if going PT or stepping out or not, same for yours, help her find other people who did the same big decision for any similarities, etc.

Telling a child or teen of spouse “do whatever” is not offering advice. Where’s the advice OP?

Advice is the wise old elder (or a decision making process at work) that helps one think through options, weight values and goals, and arrive at a clear answer. And know that you can change your mind again later and here’s how.

What frickin advice can he give her? She knows her job, her career trajectory their finances. etc. The only processing that needs to be done is the process of her making a decision.

Are we oh really so stunted as a person that you are incapable of seeing someone else’s perspective, trying to put yourself in their shoes, or even just contemplate an issue that doesn’t fall cleanly within your loved experiences?

Honestly, I feel sad for you if you are that incapable of normal human connections. Is there anyone who care about?

[Anonymous]

I think you should stop saying “I can’t decide for you.” The first word in that sentence is I. The second sentence after that, “I don’t want to take away your choice to work” also starts with I. While she is talking about her feelings and worries, you are talking about yours. That feels frustrating.

Sounds like what she needs is empathetic listening. Someone who can try to reflect back what she feels. She’s feeling alone in this, and very torn. Maybe you’ve seen the cartoon — sympathy is, so sorry you’re down in that hole! Empathy is, Let me get down in there with you.

Just be there with her. And reassure her nothing is forever, and she knows in her heart what is right. That she and the baby have their whole life to bond. That she’s an amazing mom and doctor and she has the right to feel whole in her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop saying “I can’t decide for you.” The first word in that sentence is I. The second sentence after that, “I don’t want to take away your choice to work” also starts with I. While she is talking about her feelings and worries, you are talking about yours. That feels frustrating.

Sounds like what she needs is empathetic listening. Someone who can try to reflect back what she feels. She’s feeling alone in this, and very torn. Maybe you’ve seen the cartoon — sympathy is, so sorry you’re down in that hole! Empathy is, Let me get down in there with you.

Just be there with her. And reassure her nothing is forever, and she knows in her heart what is right. That she and the baby have their whole life to bond. That she’s an amazing mom and doctor and she has the right to feel whole in her decision.

np This is good advice pp. I would only add that op could let her know that her choice isn't written in stone and if things change or she feels she made the wrong decision than she can do something else. It is hard to leave a 2 month old!

[Anonymous]

She should stay home. If you already have a baby and you’re trying for another that makes the most sense. And she won’t be stressed about exposing herself to something at work. She can always go back to work. Let me tell you - I’m hiring right now and nobody is applying for jobs.