Wife asks for advice and then gets annoyed with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

OP here. She usually sleeps 8-9 hours at night uninterrupted. I put the baby to bed and do the dreamfeed. He sleeps 8 - 10/10:30 and then 11 -7. My wife goes to bed at 9/10pm and sleeps until 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

Even if she is getting uninterrupted night sleep, naps can be exhausting too. Most newborns don’t nap very well at that age. My whole day was spent getting my son down every 1-1.5 hours for a 30-45 minute nap at that age. It was exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

Even if she is getting uninterrupted night sleep, naps can be exhausting too. Most newborns don’t nap very well at that age. My whole day was spent getting my son down every 1-1.5 hours for a 30-45 minute nap at that age. It was exhausting.

OP here. We have been told he is a very easy baby and a good sleeper. That might all change but he takes 4 solid naps. Sometimes 3 1.5 hour naps with a 30 minute catnap or two 1 hour naps, a 2-3 hour nap, and then a 30 minute nap. We have the Snoo and he goes down easily.

[Anonymous]

Since she’s feeling so conflicted, I would focus on which choices she could make today that would foreclose other options later. For instance, if she cuts her maternity leave short to go back to work and then decides she needs more time at home, would she have to quit her job to do that? If so, that argues in favor of extending her leave for now because she can do that without giving up the possibility of going back to work a couple of months later, whereas going back to work now would foreclose the possibility of taking additional leave later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she’s feeling so conflicted, I would focus on which choices she could make today that would foreclose other options later. For instance, if she cuts her maternity leave short to go back to work and then decides she needs more time at home, would she have to quit her job to do that? If so, that argues in favor of extending her leave for now because she can do that without giving up the possibility of going back to work a couple of months later, whereas going back to work now would foreclose the possibility of taking additional leave later.

OP here. She still has a month of maternity leave left but she would quit or try to go back PT if she felt she wasn’t ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

Even if she is getting uninterrupted night sleep, naps can be exhausting too. Most newborns don’t nap very well at that age. My whole day was spent getting my son down every 1-1.5 hours for a 30-45 minute nap at that age. It was exhausting.

OP here. We have been told he is a very easy baby and a good sleeper. That might all change but he takes 4 solid naps. Sometimes 3 1.5 hour naps with a 30 minute catnap or two 1 hour naps, a 2-3 hour nap, and then a 30 minute nap. We have the Snoo and he goes down easily.

No wonder she wants to stay home. Wait until your baby hits the 4 month sleep regression. She will be running back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are basically treating this like tennis and batting the choice back to her. She wants you to help her problem-solve.

Make time to sit down together. Hire a sitter so you can think it through.

If she stays home, how would that impact finances?
Would she be a SAHM with a housekeeper and the ability to hire a sitter for breaks and buy convenience foods or would she need to do everything herself to justify leaving the workforce?
How long would she want to stay home? If she is going to end up with two kids ~2 years apart, and wants to SAH until the youngest is 2, then she’s out of the workforce for 4 years. Would she be able to get back into her industry after that kind of break?
How much of a career setback would it be?
How would it impact your future retirement/college savings if she couldn’t get back into the workforce right away, or at the same level?

If she returns full time, what accommodations would need to happen to make room for two incomes and kids? Is she willing to be mommy-tracked or would she expect you to split sick days, pick-ups and drop-offs, packing bottles and remembering when it’s your turn for snack day 50/50?
How involved do YOU realistically want to be with day-to-day kid logistics?
Do you expect to have a dramatic, permanent change in your work/life balance, or would your expectation be that you continue to focus on work and prioritize your career and she take the hit career-wise, even if you are both full-time? What would you decide to outsource?
What kind of childcare would you hire if she is full-time?

What kind of childcare would you hire if she is Part-time?
Has she talked to her boss about going part-time?
Does she know others in her organization with that set-up? How is it working for them?
If she went part-time, how much of the day-to-day logistics would fall on her vs you?
What would you outsource if she is part-time? If she went part time, what would her work schedule look like? (3 full days a week or 5 mornings)?
How much would she make?
How would that impact your finances, both right now and in the long run?
Would she want to go back to full time at some point? When?
How would going part-time impact her career options in the future?

Right now she is going through all of these questions and more, on her own, while sleep-deprived and hormonal. I think expecting you to help her think it through and lay out what each option would mean for your family is completely reasonable, even if you don’t want to make the final decision for her.

OP here.

- I make more than enough for her to work PT or stay home. We have saved most of her salary for this situation.
- We have a housekeeper that we will continue to keep on regardless if she stays home or goes back to work. I don’t really care if we buy convenience foods but I’m the main cook and make most of our meals. She can hire a sitter if she wants to.
- She is a NP and will be able to take a break. She said she doesn’t see herself staying home longterm, but she’s not sure how long or if she wants to stay at home.
- I work a demanding job from home but I make time to help her throughout the day and take over once I’m done working. We equally share responsibilities on the weekends. I don’t know what it will look like in the future but she does have more flexibility. We do have family in the area ( grandparents) who can cover sick days, etc.
- Our ideal is to hire a nanny for FT or PT work. We do not want to put our infant in daycare.
- She wants to go back 3 PT days. She is not too worried about quitting because she is confident she will be able to find another NP job.

Can you afford a FT nanny even if your wife is working PT, even just temporarily? It's more time than you need if she's working PT, but the extra hours could be used to run errands, do household chores, or just to rest since she's probably still not getting much sleep.

OP here. We have talked about this because one of her co-workers had to do this for 3 months until she was able to get her baby into daycare. My wife doesn’t like the idea because she doesn’t want the nanny to feel obligated to work and she wants to be home with the baby PT. I have talked about her working 24 hours and having the nanny for 30 hours a week and paying for FT until we can at least figure things out. The other option is for her to extend her maternity leave until 4 or 6 months until she knows what she wants to do.

She is getting good sleep. Our 2 month old is a very easy baby and good sleeper. He sleeps an 8 hour stretch and then another 3 hour stretch.

Is your wife getting consistent uninterrupted nights of 8 hours of sleep? If not, she's probably not getting enough sleep. Cobbling together 8 hours of sleep in chunks is not the same as 8 uninterrupted hours.

Even if she is getting uninterrupted night sleep, naps can be exhausting too. Most newborns don’t nap very well at that age. My whole day was spent getting my son down every 1-1.5 hours for a 30-45 minute nap at that age. It was exhausting.

OP here. We have been told he is a very easy baby and a good sleeper. That might all change but he takes 4 solid naps. Sometimes 3 1.5 hour naps with a 30 minute catnap or two 1 hour naps, a 2-3 hour nap, and then a 30 minute nap. We have the Snoo and he goes down easily.

This sounds like my first son. He was an excellent sleeper and took good naps. My second we didn’t get so lucky and he wasn’t the greatest sleeper until e sleep trained him.

[Anonymous]

"Let's sit down together and make a list of pros and cons for each scenario".

[Anonymous]

ah, to sleep like a baby. when my first was 2 months I was up ever 45 minutes with him. In fact, I was up every 45 minutes -1 hr until he was almost 8 months. Sleep training was hard and he reverted as a toddler. I was a mess!

But I digress. I think your wife isn't ready to make the decision. Can she simply extend her maternity leave to 6-9 months and put off the decision a while longer? Even if she effectively leaves her job, she doesn't have to decide about leaving the work force entirely, and given the labor shortage (which is going to continue, thanks to low birth rates and low immigration rates) and need for healthcare workers, she possibly can hold her spot or pick right up again.