For those of you whose husbands work long hours...

[Anonymous]

In your shoes, I'd figure out exactly what I needed from my husband, tell him what I needed from him, and insist upon it (kindly).

I did something similar. I told DH that even during his really rough times at work, I needed a date night once every two weeks, family dinner 4 nights a week, and for him to get one-on-one time with each kid each week, plus for him to take the kids a couple of hours each weekend so that I could have a break.

The conversation went well. I explained how the situation was impacting me and making me feel in a non-accusatory or blamey manner, and I think it was really helpful for him to know exactly what I needed from him and understand how it would benefit him too.

My guess is that what you need from your husband is for him to get a different job. My husband is a big law partner and has always worked a lot, but the hours your husband is working are obscene. You are right to be concerned. Most relationship hills are not ones you want to die on, but this is one of them. Your husband's hours will kill or at least seriously damage your relationship, even if you don't get a divorce. You need a life partner and your kid needs a dad. I'm sure your husband will balk at the idea of getting a new job but if he sees you're really serious about this I imagine he will probably come around eventually.

[Anonymous]

The demands of a big law young associate and a big law partner are different. Partners have a lot more control over their schedules and typically (though not always) work less (still a lot, but less than junior associates). Associates often (though not always) have pretty minimal control and grind out a lot of hours. Agreed that this is going to depend on the firm, practice, clients, and partner(s). I point this out because while all of this advice and perspective is good and helpful, some of it just won't work as well for a big law junior associate. Just by way of example with the family dinner, if I routinely left before 7pm in the first 2 years at a law firm, I believe I would have been let go. I'm not sure I would have felt comfortable doing this for a few years, other than on Fridays.

Another thing to keep in mind OP is that, unfortunately, the employability of a junior attorney is not great. So, if your husband has only been practicing for a short time, it might be very difficult for him to get a different job.

I realize this is not a comment full of helpful advice, but perhaps this could be helpful perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The demands of a big law young associate and a big law partner are different. Partners have a lot more control over their schedules and typically (though not always) work less (still a lot, but less than junior associates). Associates often (though not always) have pretty minimal control and grind out a lot of hours. Agreed that this is going to depend on the firm, practice, clients, and partner(s). I point this out because while all of this advice and perspective is good and helpful, some of it just won't work as well for a big law junior associate. Just by way of example with the family dinner, if I routinely left before 7pm in the first 2 years at a law firm, I believe I would have been let go. I'm not sure I would have felt comfortable doing this for a few years, other than on Fridays.

Another thing to keep in mind OP is that, unfortunately, the employability of a junior attorney is not great. So, if your husband has only been practicing for a short time, it might be very difficult for him to get a different job.

I realize this is not a comment full of helpful advice, but perhaps this could be helpful perspective.

This is truth. Let him try and grab that brass ring, your future self will thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my husband is big law and has been his entire career. We are in our late 30s and we have 3 kids and I also work full time in a flexible but demanding job. It is all we have ever known. Not to say we don't argue about how much he works (because we do) but he just made partner and wants to stick it out to see how it goes. He has invested a TON of time to his work and we still have law school loans to pay back so we are in it at least for another 5 years.

I make it work because a) my kids are relatively easy and I just make plans and if he can make it great, if not I just go and do it myself and b) we still do go on vacations - even if he has to work a few hours from the hotel/rental he comes with us.

This. You need to come to terms with being an independent- both as a caregiver and with personal stuff. Once I realized this, it helped to not be resentful— Because that is what festers and turns into major issues.

I love my husband, but rarely rely on him to do anything for our DD. When he does, it’s awesome! Our life has really grown around his job ( 1 child, I’m a teacher, so my hours are same has our child). It’s not a perfect life by any means, but I am so grateful for it, and how hard my DH works to provide us with an awesome lifestyle.

Last thing, it helps that the majority of the time, my DH loves his job and is super passionate about it. If he hated it or complained all the time, I would probably be more aggravated.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

Ie once they are partners they still work long hours but can set breaks to schedule their kids in their lives.

But this PP is so nasty it’s good her DH spends time with the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

Ie once they are partners they still work long hours but can set breaks to schedule their kids in their lives.

But this PP is so nasty it’s good her DH spends time with the kids too.

You say I have kids as a status symbol but I'm the nasty one? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

Ie once they are partners they still work long hours but can set breaks to schedule their kids in their lives.

But this PP is so nasty it’s good her DH spends time with the kids too.

"Schedule their kids into their lives" aka being a working parent. Something I'm sure you're not.

[Anonymous]

Being a Big Law wife really prepared me for our divorce. I was already used to having no companionship, parenting on my own, and having no division of labor in the home.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone know anyone who has stayed married in a marriage like this? Like over 20 years? Everyone I know has eventually ended up divorced with kids that seriously resent the dad when he starts wanting a relationship with them when they are 20-30. And a lot of times the dad has a second marriage and more kids who he actually helps raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know anyone who has stayed married in a marriage like this? Like over 20 years? Everyone I know has eventually ended up divorced with kids that seriously resent the dad when he starts wanting a relationship with them when they are 20-30. And a lot of times the dad has a second marriage and more kids who he actually helps raise.

We made it to 19 years. Ex is very likely to marry his much younger girlfriend and have more kids. One of our kids has told me that they wish they could warn the girlfriend what she’s signing up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

NP. Aw come on, did you have to include the idiot part at the end? It makes me sad that you’re a teacher but you think your kids are so much better than all the other “idiot” kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these big law families with 3 kids? Sounds like the new status symbol? But like, you already don’t have any time to spend with your kids and you want more kids?

Lol I'll bite, I'm the one pregnant with my third. My husband spends 3 hours a day with our kids, and all of the weekends. He's home at 5:30 and with them till bedtime, I'd be shocked if there are many other parents on this board who beat that. Also, we want three kids to put more out more than the ones idiots like you are raising.

NP. Aw come on, did you have to include the idiot part at the end? It makes me sad that you’re a teacher but you think your kids are so much better than all the other “idiot” kids.

Nvm, I confused posts. But the idiot part was still unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Genz is the only hope for big law to go to a 4 day work week