For those of you whose husbands work long hours...

[Anonymous]

How do you do it? Husband has been in big law for a year. I work full time. We have one child. I grew up in a family where both my parents were teachers, so I have nothing to compare this to. My husband will often work both weekend days and until 10pm every night. I often feel like I'm completely alone. I've tried to talk to him about trying to prioritize a weekly walk, and he always tells me he's overwhelmed or too busy to talk about it (since I can only catch him at the beginning/end of day), and I end up feeling like a nag, even though I feel it's very reasonable to try and talk about how we're going to move forward through this as a family. We haven't taken vacation in 2 years + due to COVID and having a baby, and we have no vacation on the horizon. I'm so burnt out and feel like I've lost track of why we're even doing all this. I am a pretty assertive person, and have made a point to bring things up to my husband in a non-accusatory way, but I'm genuinely concerned because I don't want life to pass him/us by. I would love to take our son on a trip this summer, but he insists he wants to be part of the first big vacation, and when I bring up when that can be, I'm just shut down since he's overwhelmed and doesn't want to plan.

I've suggested couples therapy and (not a joke haha) he says he doesn't have time. I strongly believe this is a time-management issue. He does have a lot of work, but a lot of people have a lot of work and still can find an hour.

In a city full of work-obsessed maniacs, I'm hoping someone else can relate.

[Anonymous]

Op I was in your position and the thing that helped me is I 1. Got help and 2. Went to part time

[Anonymous]

It's very possible that if you take him on vacation, he'll work from the hotel room while you spend all day exploring and in the pool with the baby, etc. So yes, you'll be in Hawaii but you'll still be doing all the same stuff. Do you have a nice relative you can go visit for a few days who will help with the baby? Can you hire help?

This is what big law is like. This is why my husband left. He realized he couldn't keep up his end of our agreement (that we'd have a baby only if he'd be the main parent) if he stayed.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your DH, because if he steps down from his BigLaw path, and ends up as a GS15 or maybe in house lawyer, you will be complaining about not making enough money or getting to stay home.

What is your career? If you want to work, and your combined incomes with DH as a GS15 would yield a lifestyle you like (house in Olney, daycare, etc) then you can talk to him about that career shift.

I’m assuming though you supported his efforts to go BigLaw, and you have to trust his wisdom and instinct about how to manage his career as a professional — if these are the hours required, that is the situation you are in.

If it IS a matter of Time Management; and your DH is some kind of time wasting incompetent it will sort it self out as he will be out of BigLaw within 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Most people in big law have a spouse that either doesn't work, works part-time or has a full-time nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very possible that if you take him on vacation, he'll work from the hotel room while you spend all day exploring and in the pool with the baby, etc. So yes, you'll be in Hawaii but you'll still be doing all the same stuff. Do you have a nice relative you can go visit for a few days who will help with the baby? Can you hire help?

This is what big law is like. This is why my husband left. He realized he couldn't keep up his end of our agreement (that we'd have a baby only if he'd be the main parent) if he stayed.

So unconventional! Seems silly he even tried BigLaw; I’m guessing he figured you would swoon once you saw Babykins and decide to SAH. Jokes on him!

[Anonymous]

I switched jobs to fed WFH. We had a FT nanny, weekly cleaning service, lawn service, and occasional mommy helper. Cooked easy, simple meals and ordered most essentials online. Learned to say no to a lot of events sponsored by the PTA, especially when DC2 was in private K. My H travels a lot for his job, so I'd be alone with the kids mornings and nights too. I didn't put more pressure on me than necessary, so we had days when we were late for sports practices and it was fine.

[Anonymous]

Op, is he associate, counsel, or partner? How much does he make?

I dated someone who was partner track for big law and made partner towards the end of our relationship. I decided to end the relationship when he said he wanted kids, because I did not want to be essentially a single mom (albeit with tons of money). It is what it is. We would go for walks, but half the time he would be on his phone.

It is NOT ok that he is not on board with you taking a vacation without him. If he can’t take a vacation, plan one without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is he associate, counsel, or partner? How much does he make?

I dated someone who was partner track for big law and made partner towards the end of our relationship. I decided to end the relationship when he said he wanted kids, because I did not want to be essentially a single mom (albeit with tons of money). It is what it is. We would go for walks, but half the time he would be on his phone.

It is NOT ok that he is not on board with you taking a vacation without him. If he can’t take a vacation, plan one without him.

Also, be one and done. Don’t add another kid into this mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I was in your position and the thing that helped me is I 1. Got help and 2. Went to part time

How does that help OP see her husband more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I was in your position and the thing that helped me is I 1. Got help and 2. Went to part time

How does that help OP see her husband more?

It doesn't. And as long as he stays in BigLaw, she won't. That's the trade-off--high salary, lots of hours. That's why most people don't make it more than 4-5 years before they go in-house or to government.

[Anonymous]

Most people who have a spouse who works like this scale back their own careers once kids arrive. If he is going to stay in Big Law (and your family reaps the benefits of that salary), you will need to adjust. Work less (or none), get help with the child(ren), etc. Some spouses are literally SAHP with a nanny, which seems ridiculous, but if it preserves the marriage until the kids are a bit older, maybe it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Either you get divorced. Or you quit or scale back your own job and pray you never get divorced.

[Anonymous]

My husband works long hours and is totally gone at least two full weekends per month. I SAH. We have three kids. No way could I manage full time work, plus everything else. As it is now, I do all of childcare, yard work, house work, and cooking. If I worked, even part time, I’d have to hire out several things to multiple people. Kids are in school, but that is literally the only time I have for myself and to get some chores done child free. 3pm on plus all of weekends is all on me.

[Anonymous]

OP my husband is big law and has been his entire career. We are in our late 30s and we have 3 kids and I also work full time in a flexible but demanding job. It is all we have ever known. Not to say we don't argue about how much he works (because we do) but he just made partner and wants to stick it out to see how it goes. He has invested a TON of time to his work and we still have law school loans to pay back so we are in it at least for another 5 years.

I make it work because a) my kids are relatively easy and I just make plans and if he can make it great, if not I just go and do it myself and b) we still do go on vacations - even if he has to work a few hours from the hotel/rental he comes with us.